Draft Needs Review

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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RCO2012
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Draft Needs Review

Postby RCO2012 » Sat Aug 17, 2013 12:32 am

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Last edited by RCO2012 on Fri Oct 11, 2013 8:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

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alexb240
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Re: Draft Needs Review

Postby alexb240 » Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:23 pm

BradyM92 wrote:Hello,

I was hoping that you all could provide some feedback for the first draft of my personal statement. It's definitely still in 'rough' draft form, but I wanted to encompass a few experiences that would not come out in my resume and that would highlight some of my successes. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


Standing over the emergency room gurney, I attempted to place intravenous lines in a fifteen year old patient who had gone into full arrest. The cries of her parents, accompanied by other emergency room personnel calling out medications being administered in an over-crowded hospital room, made this task increasingly difficult. After several attempts, I was able to establish bilateral lines in the patient and began assisting the other staff. Several minutes had passed with no promising vital signs, and I noticed the parents attempting to come to terms with the possibility of losing their daughter. The team persevered, and after thirty minutes of advanced cardiac life support, the patient began to stabilize. The parents’ paradigm shifted dramatically after the first stable heart rhythm appeared. The gratefulness in the family’s eyes as I walked out of the trauma room is a memory that I carried into my positions within hospital administration and my next career. It was moments like this that fueled me through several ten hour graveyard shifts followed by a full day of junior year courses.

In my senior year of my undergraduate degree, I decided it was time to move to D.C., a dream I had aspired to since I was a child. I began searching for jobs that would allow me to incorporate the experience I was gaining as a hospital administrator with the knowledge and passion I had for the legal field. Several weeks before the end of my final semester, I received a call from a national healthcare company offering me a position to come work for them as a database administrator. While it was not the ideal position I was hoping to acquire within the healthcare regulatory sphere, I was open to the opportunity of acquiring new skills. Within a few weeks of accepting the offer I found myself, with my entire apartment packed into a trailer, driving over 2,000 miles from Salt Lake City, Utah to Washington, D.C.

I spent several months in my new position learning the skills needed to be a successful database administrator. Through my training, I was able to interact with all departments within the company and began to understand the needs of the organization. Through this interaction I was also able to apply my previous experience in analyzing organizational inefficiencies. My previous position in hospital administration entailed overseeing a large department within an International Organization for Standardization (ISO) certified facility. The organization I was now working for was nowhere close to this level of certification. Several deficiencies were not only making the company vulnerable to regulatory infractions, but were also leading to great inefficiencies within the organization. I expressed these concerns to the region’s Director of Operations. After several discussions with the Director, he informed that the region was searching for a compliance officer and he believed that I would be a good fit for the position. I interviewed with the region’s president three months after my initial hire date, and was promoted to the executive compliance position for the region overseeing two main facilities and sixty remote locations.

The objective set before me in this new position, to establish an effective compliance program for the region, was daunting. I spent several months, again, examining the interaction between and within departments, but this time with a focus on regulatory compliance. Soon after my promotion I established an Executive Compliance Committee consisting of members of the region’s senior management team. I utilized the committee to identify risk areas, establish audit protocols, and develop policies and procedures that would allow for compliant and ethical operations in each department. Many members of the committee were not keen to the idea of a twenty year old recent college graduate asking them to change areas of their department that they had operated the same way for the past ten years. It was difficult for the members, as it is with many management teams, to understand the inherent value in operating in a compliant manner. The economic gains are not easy to show unless the organization is cited with an infraction and ordered to pay monetary penalties. Instead, I had to find a way to show the resistant members the amount of money lost due to non-compliant operations. I was able to establish an electronic quality assurance reporting system with the assistance of members from the information technology department whom I had worked with previously. The system allowed for me to show the committee trending analysis and tracer audits that identified areas of risk that were also costing the company monetarily due to inefficiency. The committee quickly came to see the opportunities for improvement, and began acting on the data identified through the reporting system. With the support of the committee, I was able to lead the region through two successful inspections conducted by our regulatory body, the College of American Pathologists, several state inspections, and a number of audits by our state and federal payers, Medicare and Medicaid. Most recently, I was able to guide the region through a successful merger with one of our sister companies.

The company’s success in these endeavors has led to a much more profitable region due in part to increased efficiency and compliance. These achievements required a paradigm shift by all members of the organization, starting with management, and eventually resulting in an understanding of the value of compliance within all levels of the staff. Within the study and practice of law, being able to identify a shift in paradigm is important. Even more essential is the ability to identify the need to shift the paradigm of others and succeed in doing so. I have had the opportunity to shift the paradigm of a family in dire need of hope during the beginning of my career, and have proven my ability to transform the views of an entire organization as I begin my journey into the study of law. These are some of the lessons that I will carry with me both as a law student and a member of the legal community.


I appreciate what you're trying to do with this and your accomplishments are certainly impressive. The problem with this essay is that the first paragraph reads like a med school application, and the rest feels like a business school application. Nothing in this tells me why you'd be an enthusiastic, intelligent, participatory law student who is excited but clear-eyed about becoming a lawyer. The hand-waving at the end towards the study of law requiring identification of "paradigm shifts" is vague and doesn't do anything for me (not sure what paradigms you intend to shift or how). It sounds like you picked some truly remarkable accomplishments in your life, wrote about them, and then at the end said "and that's why I want to go to law school." But none of what you wrote before that has anything to do with law school or the law. You could take the last couple of sentences and change it to "and that's why I want to go to med school" or "and that's why I want to go to business school" and the essay would be the same--or, if anything, more coherent. Try to explain why you are pursuing law over the alternatives. HTH.

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jselson
Posts: 6337
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Re: Draft Needs Review

Postby jselson » Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:33 pm

alexb240 wrote:
BradyM92 wrote:Hello,

I was hoping that you all could provide some feedback for the first draft of my personal statement. It's definitely still in 'rough' draft form, but I wanted to encompass a few experiences that would not come out in my resume and that would highlight some of my successes. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


Standing over the emergency room gurney, I attempted to place intravenous lines in a fifteen year old patient who had gone into full arrest. The cries of her parents, accompanied by other emergency room personnel calling out medications being administered in an over-crowded hospital room, made this task increasingly difficult. After several attempts, I was able to establish bilateral lines in the patient and began assisting the other staff. Several minutes had passed with no promising vital signs, and I noticed the parents attempting to come to terms with the possibility of losing their daughter. The team persevered, and after thirty minutes of advanced cardiac life support, the patient began to stabilize. The parents’ paradigm shifted dramatically after the first stable heart rhythm appeared. The gratefulness in the family’s eyes as I walked out of the trauma room is a memory that I carried into my positions within hospital administration and my next career. It was moments like this that fueled me through several ten hour graveyard shifts followed by a full day of junior year courses.

In my senior year of my undergraduate degree, I decided it was time to move to D.C., a dream I had aspired to since I was a child. I began searching for jobs that would allow me to incorporate the experience I was gaining as a hospital administrator with the knowledge and passion I had for the legal field. Several weeks before the end of my final semester, I received a call from a national healthcare company offering me a position to come work for them as a database administrator. While it was not the ideal position I was hoping to acquire within the healthcare regulatory sphere, I was open to the opportunity of acquiring new skills. Within a few weeks of accepting the offer I found myself, with my entire apartment packed into a trailer, driving over 2,000 miles from Salt Lake City, Utah to Washington, D.C.

I spent several months in my new position learning the skills needed to be a successful database administrator. Through my training, I was able to interact with all departments within the company and began to understand the needs of the organization. Through this interaction I was also able to apply my previous experience in analyzing organizational inefficiencies. My previous position in hospital administration entailed overseeing a large department within an International Organization for Standardization (ISO) certified facility. The organization I was now working for was nowhere close to this level of certification. Several deficiencies were not only making the company vulnerable to regulatory infractions, but were also leading to great inefficiencies within the organization. I expressed these concerns to the region’s Director of Operations. After several discussions with the Director, he informed that the region was searching for a compliance officer and he believed that I would be a good fit for the position. I interviewed with the region’s president three months after my initial hire date, and was promoted to the executive compliance position for the region overseeing two main facilities and sixty remote locations.

The objective set before me in this new position, to establish an effective compliance program for the region, was daunting. I spent several months, again, examining the interaction between and within departments, but this time with a focus on regulatory compliance. Soon after my promotion I established an Executive Compliance Committee consisting of members of the region’s senior management team. I utilized the committee to identify risk areas, establish audit protocols, and develop policies and procedures that would allow for compliant and ethical operations in each department. Many members of the committee were not keen to the idea of a twenty year old recent college graduate asking them to change areas of their department that they had operated the same way for the past ten years. It was difficult for the members, as it is with many management teams, to understand the inherent value in operating in a compliant manner. The economic gains are not easy to show unless the organization is cited with an infraction and ordered to pay monetary penalties. Instead, I had to find a way to show the resistant members the amount of money lost due to non-compliant operations. I was able to establish an electronic quality assurance reporting system with the assistance of members from the information technology department whom I had worked with previously. The system allowed for me to show the committee trending analysis and tracer audits that identified areas of risk that were also costing the company monetarily due to inefficiency. The committee quickly came to see the opportunities for improvement, and began acting on the data identified through the reporting system. With the support of the committee, I was able to lead the region through two successful inspections conducted by our regulatory body, the College of American Pathologists, several state inspections, and a number of audits by our state and federal payers, Medicare and Medicaid. Most recently, I was able to guide the region through a successful merger with one of our sister companies.

The company’s success in these endeavors has led to a much more profitable region due in part to increased efficiency and compliance. These achievements required a paradigm shift by all members of the organization, starting with management, and eventually resulting in an understanding of the value of compliance within all levels of the staff. Within the study and practice of law, being able to identify a shift in paradigm is important. Even more essential is the ability to identify the need to shift the paradigm of others and succeed in doing so. I have had the opportunity to shift the paradigm of a family in dire need of hope during the beginning of my career, and have proven my ability to transform the views of an entire organization as I begin my journey into the study of law. These are some of the lessons that I will carry with me both as a law student and a member of the legal community.


I appreciate what you're trying to do with this and your accomplishments are certainly impressive. The problem with this essay is that the first paragraph reads like a med school application, and the rest feels like a business school application. Nothing in this tells me why you'd be an enthusiastic, intelligent, participatory law student who is excited but clear-eyed about becoming a lawyer. The hand-waving at the end towards the study of law requiring identification of "paradigm shifts" is vague and doesn't do anything for me (not sure what paradigms you intend to shift or how). It sounds like you picked some truly remarkable accomplishments in your life, wrote about them, and then at the end said "and that's why I want to go to law school." But none of what you wrote before that has anything to do with law school or the law. You could take the last couple of sentences and change it to "and that's why I want to go to med school" or "and that's why I want to go to business school" and the essay would be the same--or, if anything, more coherent. Try to explain why you are pursuing law over the alternatives. HTH.


I agree with this in general, the abstract paradigm-blather is the worst part of this PS. But in general, I really liked it, and it would make a lot of sense if the "Why law?" part was about an interest in administrative or regulatory law. But I disagree with the above statement in that I think a lot of the things law schools are looking for and your possible interest in the law is implicit in the statement. I think either you should do a more specific why law paragraph that makes sense with health, or regulatory, or administrative law, or you should just not do a Why law? at all.

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alexb240
Posts: 131
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Re: Draft Needs Review

Postby alexb240 » Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:42 pm

That's fair. De gustibus non est disputandum. And we agree on the paradigm shift part. Law school ain't Thomas Kuhn.

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Ramius
Posts: 2005
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am

Re: Draft Needs Review

Postby Ramius » Sat Aug 17, 2013 3:48 pm

This was a bit of a roller coaster for me, and not in a really good way. I started out thinking this would be a tepid, slightly retold version of the resume and almost stopped reading. Then I managed to get into the way you showed your evolution through successes in your current career and started to really appreciate the approach you were using. Then it continued on. I got to the point where I started to feel like you were trying to show off everything you've done. The problem isn't that you are proud of what you've accomplished, but more so that I never really saw any growth, which really would've brought this PS full circle. It was like, "I get it. You were good at your job and affected change in an organization. Now I want to see how your work in this field changed you."

In the end, I felt this PS lacked a real person for me to connect with and someone who I can see is introspectively recalling their experience. It's great that you positively changed this company and demonstrated great mental abilities and led such a big improvement, but I was left wishing I could see more about how this experience improved you too.

It wasn't a bad PS by any stretch, I'd just like to see it go a little deeper into you.

Also, the paradigm shift nonsense needs to go. Only part of your PS that isn't really salvageable in my opinion.

GL OP!

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RCO2012
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Re: Draft Needs Review

Postby RCO2012 » Sat Aug 17, 2013 4:33 pm

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