starting over

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hos9903
Posts: 123
Joined: Wed Jul 03, 2013 11:28 am

starting over

Postby hos9903 » Fri Aug 16, 2013 9:49 am

back to the drawing board
Last edited by hos9903 on Fri Aug 16, 2013 11:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

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lastsamurai
Posts: 978
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:17 am

Re: First Draft- if anyone is bored at work

Postby lastsamurai » Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:12 am

Just my two cents:

I think it definitely could use some spice. Right now, it reads as an encyclopedic account of rowing, which isn't exactly interesting. Also, the last paragraph is out of place and doesn't tie in very well. It's just a laundry list of accomplishments that you claim are connected to rowing, but the connection isn't an obvious one to me.

Also, I don't know if you realized that you tried to hide your university in the first paragraph but not the third. The phrase "on X university's dime" also doesn't come across very well.

Good luck!

hos9903
Posts: 123
Joined: Wed Jul 03, 2013 11:28 am

Re: First Draft- if anyone is bored at work

Postby hos9903 » Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:15 am

lastsamurai wrote:Just my two cents:

I think it definitely could use some spice. Right now, it reads as an encyclopedic account of rowing, which isn't exactly interesting. Also, the last paragraph is out of place and doesn't tie in very well. It's just a laundry list of accomplishments that you claim are connected to rowing, but the connection isn't an obvious one to me.

Also, I don't know if you realized that you tried to hide your university in the first paragraph but not the third. The phrase "on X university's dime" also doesn't come across very well.

Good luck!


thanks, I appreciate the feedback. I'll definitely keep all of that in mind as I keep working on it




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