My 3rd Draft - all feedback appreciated

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Anonymous User
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My 3rd Draft - all feedback appreciated

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 16, 2013 3:34 am

Class “zero-five-zero” had made it. We had earned our seats at our graduation from the Defense Information School. We were a unique class comprised of many college graduates which made things all the more competitive between us. In many ways expectations at the schoolhouse had become greater because of us. We stuck together as a team unlike many of the prior classes. We were friends, colleagues, and enlisted sailors striving to become Mass Communication Specialists. We shot video day and night. We learned advanced photography within a matter of weeks. We learned the inner workings of Adobe programs and created our own websites. We scrutinized our news stories for style guide mistakes. We learned all this as quickly as we possibly could because the United States Navy entrusted us to tell its story. This one is mine.

I received orders to a small island seven degrees south of the equator. This island known as Diego Garcia is the Navy’s best kept secret. It’s location within British Indian Ocean Territory makes it a hub for replenishment in support of regional conflicts. In a nutshell that’s the big picture.

“Good Morning Diego Garcia! This is Seaman ________ also known as DJ ______ here on the midday show! Hopefully you all had a wonderful weekend. Anyone out there participate in the 4 on 4 volleyball tournament yesterday? I sure had a lot of fun and hopefully you did too! Well anyways, I have four hours of great music and vital command information coming your way so stay tuned on the world famous power 99.1! Up next, the Lumineers with “Stubborn Love.” This is my picture as a sailor aboard American Forces Network (AFN) Diego Garcia.

On an average day I provide my fellow sailors and island inhabitants with events going on around the island, information on how to get support for numerous troubles one may be experiencing, and a two minute newsbeat complete with interviews from anyone from the Commanding Officer speaking on sequestration to the sailor who had just completed his marathon in support of the victims of the Boston bombings.

An unnoted aspect of my job is getting to know the people that are stationed here. When I go to a Morale, Welfare and Recreation event outside of official business I’m always looking for an angle for a story. I want somebody to interview and to have a conversation with on the radio. My job coexists with who I am as a person on this island. It’s like that for every sailor here. We are the crafts of our trade. As I can’t go to an event without looking to document it– it is equivalent to the corpsman hoping no one is injured at it.

My decision to now tackle on the coursework of law school will be a challenge, but it’s a challenge I’m willing to take and overcome. The discipline I’ve learned through my two months of basic training and the five and a half months of my MC training will serve me well. I’ve learned to endure stressful situations, my own emotions, and the hardships that come with living on a remote island. If accepted to your institution you can expect a person of character, integrity, and commitment.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Aug 16, 2013 3:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: My 3rd Draft - all feedback appreciated

Postby lastsamurai » Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:24 am

Your story has the potential to be a great one, but it needs to be beefed up and written carefully. I personally would be interested in how you were feeling throughout your time on the island. How did you feel about getting stationed there? What did you learn from the interviews you performed? How were you selected for your job?

A few things that were a bit off-putting:

1) This one is mine.
2) interviews from anyone from
3) It’s location (Its location)
4) My decision to now tackle on
5) If accepted to your institution you can expect a person of character, integrity, and commitment. (They expect that from everyone. Make sure you state why your traits are distinct from other applicants)

Good luck!

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