First Draft critiques needed!

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Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

First Draft critiques needed!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:41 pm

Its only a very rough first draft so any advice about any aspect of this would be great! Thanks!



It was Christmas morning and I was fast asleep in my bed just like a child despite the fact that I was nineteen years old. It is my favorite holiday and I look forward to it all year. This particular morning changed a lot in my life and it all started with a subtle knock on my bedroom door. I rolled over as it woke me from a deep sleep to see my dad standing in the doorway looking at me waiting for me to be alert. He starts on but all I seem to remember is “mommy fell I need you to go down and sit with her until I get out of the shower, she’s in her wheelchair.” I knew it was bad. She hates the wheelchair and he called her mommy like I was five years old again.

My mom has been living with relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis for over 25 years and it is slowing taking away her mobility and independence. The older I got the more I understood about her disease and the harder it was to watch. There were good days where she almost seemed healthy but there were bad days where getting around the house was difficult. Even though it was a tough life it is the life she has been given and she is a fighter and my biggest inspiration.

As I was sitting with my mom in the bathroom that morning she kept saying it hurt everything hurt and she knew she really did it this time. I tried to reassure her everything would was fine she was probably just sore like she was when she fell in the past. Despite my assurance my dad took her to the hospital where we found out she had broken her hip. She went through surgery and a two-week hospital stay before finally coming home well after New Years. I only had three weeks left before I went back to school but I never realized they would be such a difficult three weeks.

With my brother at school and my dad at work I was left to tend to my mom who was confined to a wheelchair at almost all times except when doing physical therapy. For weeks I followed her around the house making sure she didn’t fall and when she did I was there to pick her up. I physically picked my mom up off the floor more times than I can even remember and every time I did the hope I had for a full recovery faded. My mom never gave up on herself though. Her desire to regain what small amount of independence she previously had is admirable. She showed me what true courage and determination is. I like to think from this experience some of that rubbed off on me. Watching her make strides in her recovery taught me anything is possible if you try and never give up. It wasn’t easy for her but she made just about a complete recovery and I know that if she can overcome a broken hip with multiple sclerosis anything I have to do will pale in comparison.

Throughout this entire struggle of her regaining her strength and getting back to a seemingly normal life there was an assortment of problems stemming from the insurance company. Everyday it seemed like there was something else they weren’t going to pay for. One day it was the amount of nights in the hospital the next it was physical therapy. Seeing my mom everyday I knew she needed these things but the insurance company didn’t see what me and my family saw. Luckily my dad has an amazing job and could afford the majority of the things the insurance company refused to pay for. I know not everyone is this fortunate and it upsets me to know people like my mother may not receive all of the necessary everyday treatments this disease requires.

During this difficult time in my family’s life I discovered that in my endeavor to study the law I could really make a difference for people like my mom. I hope that someday I can start a career in health law and help people who received improper treatment or were wrongfully turned away from getting the necessary appropriate treatment but at the very least I want to make a difference in peoples lives no matter what aspect of the law I may find myself in.

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lastsamurai
Posts: 978
Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 11:17 am

Re: First Draft critiques needed!

Postby lastsamurai » Fri Aug 16, 2013 12:57 pm

Powerful story if you can find a way to focus a bit more on you and not so much on your mom.

Ending your statement with a preposition is probably not a great idea.

Commas are your friend when used properly. You definitely need to break up a few of those sentences.

Also, she's still alive (right?), so talk about her in the present tense. "She showed me what true courage and determination is." Replace with something like: "She shows me everyday what true courage and determination are."

Anonymous User
Posts: 273179
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First Draft critiques needed!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 16, 2013 6:37 pm

Thanks! I was thinking that I needed to focus it on me more I just wasn't sure where. Yes good catch I will have to change it. I tend to not use commas when I know I should haha but I will definitely go back through and add them. And yes she is still alive so I will fix that too. Your help is much appreciated.

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alexb240
Posts: 131
Joined: Sun Feb 25, 2007 10:14 pm

Re: First Draft critiques needed!

Postby alexb240 » Fri Aug 16, 2013 6:55 pm

You have a good message but this needs a lot of polishing. Try to avoid using cliches (this advice is itself cliche, I admit), and the Christmas morning wake-up feels a bit too on the nose for me. Also, try to get to the point a little faster and dwell there a little longer -- when did you realize that you wanted to work in health law? What do you view as deficiencies in the system? Etc. Here's an exercise to try -- write this entire thing again but without using any of the same events/details you used this time. See what comes through and then work to polish the core message. HTH.




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