Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Aug 13, 2013 1:47 pm

My mother dropped me off to school that Tuesday morning after we picked up our daily order of coffee and hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts. She then went off to her full-time job at a local smoothie joint and I would be in school. Almost an hour into the school day, students were being picked up early. One by one, I saw the puzzled look on each of their faces as their names were called on the intercom to come to the front office to leave school early. We all glanced at each other and pondered about what was going on. Nobody had a clue, and nobody told us anything. By noon, it was just my teacher and I left in the classroom, all the other kids had gone home. I was anxious and my stomach was churning at how uncomfortable the situation was for me. Little did I Know, that day was going to be the day that changed the rest of my life.

I had always been different from all the other students. I left early from school on Fridays to go to my weekly prayers. I fasted during the month of Ramadan. I didn’t celebrate Christmas. And I kept a strict Islamic halal diet. Going against the grain was all I ever did. But after that day, it became a hard to be different. I wasn’t just MY NAME anymore. I was MY NAME, the boy from ‘that’ place. Later on, I understood why things had changed. I am a Pakistani born Muslim living in America. The terrorist who flew those planes into the buildings claimed to be ‘Muslim’. In the eyes of many Americans, I am associated with terror and killing only because I share the same religion as the one those terrorist are claiming to practice. This fact is what has caused me the most difficulty in my life.

Feeling isolated from many of other students simply because I was a Muslim made school rough. The immaturity of many of the pupils didn’t help my situation. A few days couldn’t go by without a student blurting out a silly ‘terrorist’ joke. My last name is Hussain, and this was used as the punch line of almost every joke told by my peers. “MY NAME, how is your uncle Saddam doing?” People would ask as they snickered. Although I knew that these were just immature jokes by children and they didn’t mean much by them except to be funny, there existed people with real hatred outside of school. Many of my Muslim friends were forsaking their faith to fit in with the rest of society. Some Muslim girls abandoned their head scarves and conservative clothing. Some Muslim boys abandoned prayer in public to avoid drawing attention. The more I saw my friends change and become a product of the societal norm, the less I wanted to change and the more I wanted to embrace my faith. I wanted to spread awareness of my religion to show people that Islam is a religion of peace.

By the time I entered college I desired to take advantage of the diversity on campus. I joined and was voted onto the executive boards of the International Muslim Association at MY UNI NAME (IMAN) and the Pakistani Student Association (PSA). With leadership roles in both organizations I was able to connect with other college students who felt the same type of hardships I felt as a Muslim in America. I aimed to attract as many non-Muslims as possible to IMAN events. This helped non-Muslims learn what Islam is all about and understand that there is more to a Muslim than what is commonly believed. This also helped create an understanding between non-Muslims and Muslims which led to less Muslims abandoning their faith to fit in with other students on campus. After the success IMAN has had in accomplishing my goal, I wanted this type of relationship for more than just our campus. I connected with Muslim Student Associations at Broward College, Florida International University, and the University of Miami where they and IMAN worked together to educate the masses and defeat ignorance by attracting more non-Muslims to events to learn more about Islam and Muslims. This was the best way to stop discrimination and racism and promote tolerance and open-mindedness in these South Florida college campuses.

Being teased about my faith during grade school only made me want to embrace it. The more I saw my friends forsake their faith, the more I wanted non-Muslims to understand it. Going through adversity has only developed me and made me prouder than ever to say that I am a Pakistani born American Muslim despite what anybody else thinks about it.

erik the viking
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby erik the viking » Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:26 pm

I find this to be really moving. It's focused and concise and it seems to tell a lot about who you are. You come across as thoughtful and discerning. It seems really solid to me.

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:38 pm

erik the viking wrote:I find this to be really moving. It's focused and concise and it seems to tell a lot about who you are. You come across as thoughtful and discerning. It seems really solid to me.


thank you! I appreciate the feedback! I am still going to have to clean up some of the grammar errors. But thanks so much!

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mandyjay11
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby mandyjay11 » Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:51 pm

This is really great! I knew where it was going, but I also enjoyed reading it all the way through. Good Job!

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:53 pm

mandyjay11 wrote:This is really great! I knew where it was going, but I also enjoyed reading it all the way through. Good Job!


thank you! I am glad you liked it :)

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Magical Trevor
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Magical Trevor » Thu Aug 15, 2013 3:36 am

Beyond the grammatical errors, be careful always using past tense because I find that saying, "... was the best way..." makes me wonder what is the best way now and creates a little separation between what you did and what you are doing. And get rid of the, "despite what anybody else thinks." It ends on a negative, bitter note while simply saying that you are more proud than ever of your heritage ends on a positive note.

I really like the story itself, though.

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 15, 2013 11:43 am

skzen75 wrote:Beyond the grammatical errors, be careful always using past tense because I find that saying, "... was the best way..." makes me wonder what is the best way now and creates a little separation between what you did and what you are doing. And get rid of the, "despite what anybody else thinks." It ends on a negative, bitter note while simply saying that you are more proud than ever of your heritage ends on a positive note.

I really like the story itself, though.



thank you! this is good advice!

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lastsamurai
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby lastsamurai » Thu Aug 15, 2013 2:02 pm

I like the way you structured this. 2 things stood out to me as a bit off:

1) "Going against the grain was all I ever did." Sounds like you actually went with the grain of the Islam religion, which is possibly against the grain of the typical American experience. It was just confusing to me. Maybe something like "Being different was all I ever knew."

2) "pupils" sounds weird

Otherwise, I think it just needs some grammatical revision to be really strong.

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 15, 2013 2:16 pm

lastsamurai wrote:I like the way you structured this. 2 things stood out to me as a bit off:

1) "Going against the grain was all I ever did." Sounds like you actually went with the grain of the Islam religion, which is possibly against the grain of the typical American experience. It was just confusing to me. Maybe something like "Being different was all I ever knew."

2) "pupils" sounds weird

Otherwise, I think it just needs some grammatical revision to be really strong.


thank you thank you. will definitely be editing this!!~ much appreciated

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 16, 2013 8:05 pm

anyone else have anything to add ebfore I type a second draft.

and does anyone know if this can also be used as a personal statement or should i just keep it as my diversity statement?

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t-14orbust
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby t-14orbust » Fri Aug 16, 2013 8:12 pm

Anonymous User wrote:anyone else have anything to add ebfore I type a second draft.

and does anyone know if this can also be used as a personal statement or should i just keep it as my diversity statement?


It very much can be IMO. My PS doubles as a DS

edit: UCHI recommends doing something like that, actually:

http://www.law.uchicago.edu/node/1451
May I submit a diversity statement or “Why Chicago” essay?
You may, but please do so only when they are important to your application. Please remember that you want to be concise and genuine.

We believe that the personal statement is a wonderful place to discuss any aspects of your background (e.g., racial, ethnic, or religious identification, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, etc.) that are significant to you. If you find that you cannot include these topics in your personal statement, you may submit an additional diversity statement.

If there are genuine and informed reasons why you are particularly interested in studying law at Chicago, you are welcome to discuss them in an additional essay.



Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Aug 17, 2013 1:21 pm

t-14orbust wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:anyone else have anything to add ebfore I type a second draft.

and does anyone know if this can also be used as a personal statement or should i just keep it as my diversity statement?


It very much can be IMO. My PS doubles as a DS

edit: UCHI recommends doing something like that, actually:

http://www.law.uchicago.edu/node/1451
May I submit a diversity statement or “Why Chicago” essay?
You may, but please do so only when they are important to your application. Please remember that you want to be concise and genuine.

We believe that the personal statement is a wonderful place to discuss any aspects of your background (e.g., racial, ethnic, or religious identification, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, etc.) that are significant to you. If you find that you cannot include these topics in your personal statement, you may submit an additional diversity statement.

If there are genuine and informed reasons why you are particularly interested in studying law at Chicago, you are welcome to discuss them in an additional essay.




^ wow thanks! I might actually consider sprucing this up a bit and using it as my PS

Anonymous User
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Re: Draft 1 - Diversity Statement. PLEASE CRITIQUE LIKE CRAZY!

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Aug 19, 2013 3:56 pm

anybody at all have anything else they would like to add before I release draft 2?




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