Draft #2 Please Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Draft #2 Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Aug 10, 2013 8:50 pm

Delete
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Aug 14, 2013 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Anastasia Dee Dualla
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Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:03 am

Re: Draft #2 Please Critique

Postby Anastasia Dee Dualla » Sat Aug 10, 2013 9:57 pm

[Deleted at OP's request]
Last edited by Anastasia Dee Dualla on Wed Aug 14, 2013 11:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

chinadoll
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Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:50 pm

Re: Draft #2 Please Critique

Postby chinadoll » Mon Aug 12, 2013 2:23 pm

This will sound harsh, but from one Asian kid to another, don't make the same mistake every other Asian did does...

I hope you're planning to submit this as a diversity statement, because that's how it reads. Put some action in there; witnessing does not count as an action and beliefs/reflections are even cheaper than words. Your grades/lsat must be stellar if you're going to make a statement like this:

As an attorney, I know that I will help people in a very important way--one in which everyday people of modest means are lifted up and empowered to be treated equally through the lens of the law. From there, I hope to and would help build integration in Los Angeles.


and by stellar I mean Stanford Law is not a reach for you. Also, the last 6 paragraphs hint that you were once a pre-med but for one reason or another decided to switch to law. If that's true and your resume suggests as much, find a way to explain it quickly. Law schools really hate serving as a last resort for medical school escapees/rejects.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273139
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Draft #2 Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Aug 14, 2013 11:23 pm

Thanks Anastasia Dee Dualla and chinadoll for your feedback. My feelings aren't hurt in any way. Thankfully this is an early draft. Appreciate the help!

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t-14orbust
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Re: Draft #2 Please Critique

Postby t-14orbust » Wed Aug 14, 2013 11:25 pm

Seems like OP wants the quotes gone since they deleted their comment




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