Final Paragraph

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Magical Trevor

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Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2013 11:10 pm

Final Paragraph

Postby Magical Trevor » Fri Aug 09, 2013 3:34 am

Removed. Thanks for feedback.
Last edited by Magical Trevor on Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Joined: Tue Jun 25, 2013 3:33 pm

Re: Final Paragraph

Postby jn7 » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:16 pm

Really subjective, but I would correct a few things:

1) I've --> I have (and similar changes across the entire statement)
2) The second sentence can be broken down a bit so it is not so long
3) I wouldn't write the sentence "And they are big USC fans" -- switch it up so it doesn't start with "and"
4) In terms of tone, it's difficult to say without reading the entire statement. I would err on the side of caution. You have nothing to really lose by maintaining a serious tone, but you can rub someone slightly the wrong way or they might not take you as serious etc etc etc. So my recommendation is not use humor, but what do I know?

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