PS, please critique it!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Emma.
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Emma. » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:39 pm

I kinda like this. It needs work (maybe quite a bit of work), but you write well. Better than most.

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Nightrunner
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Nightrunner » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:45 pm

Emma. wrote:I kinda like this. It needs work (maybe quite a bit of work), but you write well. Better than most.

Listen to Emma. Emma is smart people. But definitely edit, especially the John Knowles-esque picturesque language in the beginning.

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NYC2012
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYC2012 » Sat Aug 10, 2013 12:50 am

megaragirl wrote:Out of curiosity, what schools did you apply to? Were they part of the top 14? Where did you end up going? do you honestly believe that even though your essay was well written, the fact you were a cheerleader made people discriminate against you? I find that unbelievable and highly unfair for a well qualified candidate to be discriminated bc she or he enjoys a legitimate and challenging sport.


Sorry, should have clarified better - this was for undergrad, not law school. Who knows, it could have been something else, I just found it an interesting coincidence that I wanted to point out. Also, I don't think people typically understand how challenging it really is.

Anonymous User
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Aug 10, 2013 6:03 pm

jselson wrote:I don't think there's even one reason given, not even just through implication, for why you would make a good law student/lawyer. Like, nothing wrong with cheerleading (I was myself a male cheerleader for a year at the college I went to), but seriously, your main "conflict" in the narrative of your PS is "I was always super smart, and super smart people don't cheerlead, right?! What a tough decision!" That's the most obvious humblebrag, and it's annoying, and I'm sure adcomms get that kinda thing all the time.

I also have a kneejerk reaction against PS's that "brand" someone as a college student, rather than an adult. I think this is almost always a matter of framing rather than subject matter (but idk). Just by what you think are "important" things here, which in the large scheme of things are trivial, like "I was proud to say I'm a cheerleader," this PS presents you as still having a college student's mentality, not an adult mentality.


I find that interesting, your comment about an adult and college student's mentality. I think it's all about framing, like when the author said she was proud to be a cheerleader and realized that her no longer feeling the need to hide that can be used as a small, but meaningful way to reflect her growth as a character. In the grand scheme, most things ARE trivial, but I think people who can take small lessons and have a geniune aha moment that is more than superficial for them are quite poignant to read.

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manofjustice
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby manofjustice » Sat Aug 10, 2013 11:46 pm

jselson wrote:I don't think there's even one reason given, not even just through implication, for why you would make a good law student/lawyer. Like, nothing wrong with cheerleading (I was myself a male cheerleader for a year at the college I went to), but seriously, your main "conflict" in the narrative of your PS is "I was always super smart, and super smart people don't cheerlead, right?! What a tough decision!" That's the most obvious humblebrag, and it's annoying, and I'm sure adcomms get that kinda thing all the time.

I also have a kneejerk reaction against PS's that "brand" someone as a college student, rather than an adult. I think this is almost always a matter of framing rather than subject matter (but idk). Just by what you think are "important" things here, which in the large scheme of things are trivial, like "I was proud to say I'm a cheerleader," this PS presents you as still having a college student's mentality, not an adult mentality.


I stopped reading after the first paragraph. Great Personal Statement. The only suggestion I'd have is cut it down after the first paragraph. You already made your point with the line "my performance that night was not flawless, but...something something." After you've already grabbed the gold, no need to make your reader read more than he has to.

Good luck.

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manofjustice
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby manofjustice » Sat Aug 10, 2013 11:46 pm

jselson wrote:I don't think there's even one reason given, not even just through implication, for why you would make a good law student/lawyer. Like, nothing wrong with cheerleading (I was myself a male cheerleader for a year at the college I went to), but seriously, your main "conflict" in the narrative of your PS is "I was always super smart, and super smart people don't cheerlead, right?! What a tough decision!" That's the most obvious humblebrag, and it's annoying, and I'm sure adcomms get that kinda thing all the time.

I also have a kneejerk reaction against PS's that "brand" someone as a college student, rather than an adult. I think this is almost always a matter of framing rather than subject matter (but idk). Just by what you think are "important" things here, which in the large scheme of things are trivial, like "I was proud to say I'm a cheerleader," this PS presents you as still having a college student's mentality, not an adult mentality.


I stopped reading after the first paragraph. Great personal statement. The only suggestion I'd have is cut it down after the first paragraph. You already made your point with the line "my performance that night was not flawless, but...something something." After you've already grabbed the gold, no need to make your reader read more than he has to.

Good luck.

Anonymous User
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Aug 11, 2013 2:07 am

Lol manofjustice is pulling everyone's leg haha

NYstate
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYstate » Sun Aug 11, 2013 8:11 am

Nightrunner wrote:
Emma. wrote:I kinda like this. It needs work (maybe quite a bit of work), but you write well. Better than most.

Listen to Emma. Emma is smart people. But definitely edit, especially the John Knowles-esque picturesque language in the beginning.



I agree. I don't think cheerleadering is a taboo subject.
Emma has good advice.

You can't write about college. Most people write about college. And a story that shows personal growth is a valid topic. People's stories are based on their own experience.

Not everyone has to cut off their own arm with a pocket knife to save their life.

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manofjustice
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby manofjustice » Sun Aug 11, 2013 3:25 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Lol manofjustice is pulling everyone's leg haha


Why annon?

Incorrect, btw. I really liked this PS and really disliked the others.

I was just in a mood last night to give some brutal honesty.

elastigirl
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby elastigirl » Sun Aug 11, 2013 9:56 pm

I think Anonymous User thought manofjustice was being sarcastic because he said he only read up to the first, very long paragraph, which is only the narrative portion. The real heart of the personal statement starts after, which in my opinion should come sooner. The narrative portion should be cut down to just include a short and catchy anecdote about the OP's first cheerleading experience.

@NYC2012, I think you mean people CAN write about college? I think any experience that is meaningful (but not like when you were 4 years old and discovered how to share) can make for a strong personal statement. Cheerleading is an immediate eye catcher because of the cultural and social role it has in people's minds.

Anonymous User
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Aug 12, 2013 1:13 pm

sorry manofjustice, thought you were intending to be sarcastic, hard to tell sometimes on these forums with the language being used and some of the prior comments. Thanks for the comments, it's always useful to hear different types of feedback, really allows you to step back a few steps to think.




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