PS, please critique it!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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PS, please critique it!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:50 am

Thank you!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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jselson
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby jselson » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:50 pm

I don't think there's even one reason given, not even just through implication, for why you would make a good law student/lawyer. Like, nothing wrong with cheerleading (I was myself a male cheerleader for a year at the college I went to), but seriously, your main "conflict" in the narrative of your PS is "I was always super smart, and super smart people don't cheerlead, right?! What a tough decision!" That's the most obvious humblebrag, and it's annoying, and I'm sure adcomms get that kinda thing all the time.

I also have a kneejerk reaction against PS's that "brand" someone as a college student, rather than an adult. I think this is almost always a matter of framing rather than subject matter (but idk). Just by what you think are "important" things here, which in the large scheme of things are trivial, like "I was proud to say I'm a cheerleader," this PS presents you as still having a college student's mentality, not an adult mentality.
Last edited by jselson on Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ArtistOfManliness
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby ArtistOfManliness » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:52 pm

jselson wrote:I don't think there's even one reason given, not even just through implication, for why you would make a good law student/lawyer. Like, nothing wrong with cheerleading (I was myself a male cheerleader for a year at the college I went to), but seriously, your main "conflict" in the narrative of your PS is "I was always super smart, and super smart people don't cheerlead, right?! What a tough decision!" That's the most obvious humblebrag, and it's annoying, and I'm sure adcomms get that kinda thing all the time.


Agree - except I doubt that adcoms get this kinda thing all the time because it's so annoying and such an obvious humlebrag that most students who are smart enough to have such a story are intelligent enough not to write about it

megaragirl
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby megaragirl » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:56 pm

cool beans

NYstate
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYstate » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:57 pm

Why would you submit this description of cheer leading to a law school? I only read up until the fight song. You spent paragraphs not telling me anything more than a description.

I don't understand.


I think the PS being submitted are getting worse. This one is more like a mini- story than a personal statement.
Last edited by NYstate on Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:59 pm

I still need to tie it back to law school, but that part is still in progress. First, I wanted to make sure the topic and structure would work, even with major tweaks. Mainly the cheerleading topic, the decision to join, and what that reflects in a character. Then tying that back to being a lawyer, yadda yadda.

NYstate
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYstate » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:02 pm

What do you want as comma to know about you from this statement?

Big Dog
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Big Dog » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:03 pm

I came, I saw, I conquered. Snooze.

Besides the obvious use of a thesaurus, there is nothing here that makes me want to include you in the law school class that I am trying to construct (as an adcom).

Quite frankly, this is not even a good topic for an undergrad college essay. (see Harry Bauld's examples of bad essay topics.)
Last edited by Big Dog on Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

blsingindisguise
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby blsingindisguise » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:04 pm

There should be a sticky that tells everyone to post line spaces in between paragraphs -- this is very hard to read like this. It seems too long, and I get the sense that you could shorten it just by cutting some of the descriptive language. But I agree to an extent with others -- what are you trying to tell the adcoms about yourself here? It just sounds like an essay on how you came to terms with being a cheerleader. I don't agree with the poster who says the topic is a bad choice, I don't think it is at all. And you don't have to 100% spell out the connection to law school, but you at least need to highlight some personal qualities that your experiences demonstrate.

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ArtistOfManliness
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby ArtistOfManliness » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:05 pm

If I were you, I would look into your soul and see if there are any more compelling PS topics that you can write about. I just don't see this one going that well. There are some good examples out there, just look for them.

blsingindisguise
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby blsingindisguise » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:06 pm

And frankly I think people are being kind of insulting here. Cheerleading is no worse a subject matter than a lot of the other things that get used around here. I think y'all are just bitter against cheerleaders for some reason.

Big Dog
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Big Dog » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:06 pm

It just sounds like an essay on how you came to terms with being a cheerleader.


Which is exactly why it is a bad topic, IMO.

NYstate
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYstate » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:13 pm

blsingindisguise wrote:And frankly I think people are being kind of insulting here. Cheerleading is no worse a subject matter than a lot of the other things that get used around here. I think y'all are just bitter against cheerleaders for some reason.


You are wrong. Cheer leading is a great topic if that is what you want to write about. But don't spend the first third telling me about your sweaty palms, etc.

Get to the point. I still have no idea what she expects an ad comm to take from the first part of this statement.

NYstate
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYstate » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:15 pm

Anonymous User wrote:I still need to tie it back to law school, but that part is still in progress. First, I wanted to make sure the topic and structure would work, even with major tweaks. Mainly the cheerleading topic, the decision to join, and what that reflects in a character. Then tying that back to being a lawyer, yadda yadda.


What you have is already too long. But think what you want to say about yourself and focus in on that. It doesn't have to be about why you want to be a lawyer.

blsingindisguise
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby blsingindisguise » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:20 pm

NYstate wrote:
blsingindisguise wrote:And frankly I think people are being kind of insulting here. Cheerleading is no worse a subject matter than a lot of the other things that get used around here. I think y'all are just bitter against cheerleaders for some reason.


You are wrong. Cheer leading is a great topic if that is what you want to write about. But don't spend the first third telling me about your sweaty palms, etc.

Get to the point. I still have no idea what she expects an ad comm to take from the first part of this statement.


Ok I don't really disagree then. By "topic" I thought people meant her cheerleading experiences. No inherent reason writing about them can't be fruitful, she just needs a different approach.

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jselson
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby jselson » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:29 pm

blsingindisguise wrote:
NYstate wrote:
blsingindisguise wrote:And frankly I think people are being kind of insulting here. Cheerleading is no worse a subject matter than a lot of the other things that get used around here. I think y'all are just bitter against cheerleaders for some reason.


You are wrong. Cheer leading is a great topic if that is what you want to write about. But don't spend the first third telling me about your sweaty palms, etc.

Get to the point. I still have no idea what she expects an ad comm to take from the first part of this statement.


Ok I don't really disagree then. By "topic" I thought people meant her cheerleading experiences. No inherent reason writing about them can't be fruitful, she just needs a different approach.


I was just thinking, that if an NFL cheerleader was applying to law school, that could make for a fantastic PS.

NYstate
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYstate » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:36 pm

I realize using the word " terrible" is harsh. What I mean is that this statement spends a long time describing things that aren't essential and end up distracting from the point. The point isn't clear.
Also, your self doubts maybe don't repeatedly mention them.

Maybe this looks better in a proper format.

Big Dog
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby Big Dog » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:43 pm

By "topic" I thought people meant her cheerleading experiences.


Nope, to me its not cheerleading per se, but the the idea, that "I was out of my element and I conquered it..." Trite. Boring.

NYstate
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYstate » Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:50 pm

Big Dog wrote:
By "topic" I thought people meant her cheerleading experiences.


Nope, to me its not cheerleading per se, but the the idea, that "I was out of my element and I conquered it..." Trite. Boring.


I don't know. I think it can be a good topic if written well with a focus and insight into the person. Showing personal growth, achieving goals, these can be good topics.

KingofSplitters55
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby KingofSplitters55 » Fri Aug 09, 2013 7:01 pm

What exact characteristics of the story will relate to you wanting to go to law school? I think that's the key point here.

Right now the essay definitely has some solid material to work with, as most subject matters do. Remember though that the law school personal statement isn't like the Common Application essay for undergraduate where it was meant to be almost like a fairy tale with some greater personal meaning/lesson that doesn't really relate too much necessarily to the professional goals of college. For law school on the other hand, for the bit of the admissions process that the personal statement counts for, it's really more of an essay aimed at demonstrating why, at this point in time, are you applying for law school.

Remember this overriding purpose and goal while writing it, and make sure everything somehow supports that goal.

Once that's done, the structure, wording, etc are all just easily fixable minor details.

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dr123
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby dr123 » Fri Aug 09, 2013 7:05 pm

What color were your pom poms?

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NYC2012
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYC2012 » Fri Aug 09, 2013 7:14 pm

I wrote about cheer for my personal statement for certain colleges (it similarly had a point and was well written), and it turned out to be a disastrous decision.

NYstate
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYstate » Fri Aug 09, 2013 7:22 pm

NYC2012 wrote:I wrote about cheer for my personal statement for certain colleges (it similarly had a point and was well written), and it turned out to be a disastrous decision.


I can see that aspect too. What happened to you?

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NYC2012
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby NYC2012 » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:20 pm

NYstate wrote:
NYC2012 wrote:I wrote about cheer for my personal statement for certain colleges (it similarly had a point and was well written), and it turned out to be a disastrous decision.


I can see that aspect too. What happened to you?


Basically, the colleges I submitted that essay to all rejected me (even though my scores were well within appropriate range) and I was accepted to all of my other "match" schools to which I had submitted a different essay. I loved cheer as much as anyone and I see it as an important experience that shaped my life, but the fact is that cheerleaders have a bad rap (mostly undeserved) for being vapid, slutty, not academically inclined, etc. I obviously fully disagree with those stereotypes but I think a lot of people (especially middle-aged, adcom types) subconsciously have these thoughts.

OP, I would strongly caution you to not make the same mistake I did.

megaragirl
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Re: cheerleading PS, please critique it!

Postby megaragirl » Fri Aug 09, 2013 11:29 pm

Out of curiosity, what schools did you apply to? Were they part of the top 14? Where did you end up going? do you honestly believe that even though your essay was well written, the fact you were a cheerleader made people discriminate against you? I find that unbelievable and highly unfair for a well qualified candidate to be discriminated bc she or he enjoys a legitimate and challenging sport.




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