Read this and let me know what you think please...

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Read this and let me know what you think please...

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:07 pm

I don't really know what active verbs are - as opposed to passive verbs... I guess i missed that day in elementary school. I will do my research and fix my verb choices and post a new version tomorrow 8/09/13.

Thanks for everyone help so far.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:33 am, edited 5 times in total.

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heythatslife
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby heythatslife » Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:30 pm

I think you can delete the entire fourth paragraph. The details of your rehabilitation process are not very relevant to the PS as a whole, and they interrupt the flow of narrative. Paragraphs #3 and #5 connect better without #4, and your statement "Six months later, after grueling training sessions and logging hundreds of hours of gym time" at the beginning of paragraph #5 is sufficient emphasis on the difficulty you faced during the preparations.

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t-14orbust
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby t-14orbust » Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:33 pm

suffered a heart at the age of 21? lol just messing with you, but you should change that

edit: mind too? come on, at least proof-read once before you post your PS
Last edited by t-14orbust on Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Emma.
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby Emma. » Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:40 pm

Needs a shit ton of polishing.

NYstate
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby NYstate » Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:42 pm

I'm still looking at this. I think I questioned paragraph 4 unless he wants focus on the race as an example of what he has accomplished.

My feeling is that this still lacks focus- do you want to detail the grueling rehab and remarkable training for the race; or is your focus that you conquer obstacles and aren't defeated, and the race is just an example of one way you did that.

So maybe taking out paragraph 4 is a good cut.

Anonymous User
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:51 pm

heythatslife wrote:I think you can delete the entire fourth paragraph. The details of your rehabilitation process are not very relevant to the PS as a whole, and they interrupt the flow of narrative. Paragraphs #3 and #5 connect better without #4, and your statement "Six months later, after grueling training sessions and logging hundreds of hours of gym time" at the beginning of paragraph #5 is sufficient emphasis on the difficulty you faced during the preparations.


Thank you... Will do. I agree the paragraph is superfluous.

t-14orbust wrote:suffered a heart at the age of 21? lol just messing with you, but you should change that

edit: mind too? come on, at least proof-read once before you post your PS


I didn't catch that... Thanks for pointing it out.

Emma. wrote:Needs a shit ton of polishing.


Any suggestions?

NYstate wrote:I'm still looking at this. I think I questioned paragraph 4 unless he wants focus on the race as an example of what he has accomplished.

My feeling is that this still lacks focus- do you want to detail the grueling rehab and remarkable training for the race; or is your focus that you conquer obstacles and aren't defeated, and the race is just an example of one way you did that.

So maybe taking out paragraph 4 is a good cut.


I'm tossing paragraph 4... Thanks for the info you guys.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PopTorts13
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby PopTorts13 » Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:58 pm

Emma. wrote:Needs a shit ton of polishing.


Too many cheese-ball lines that read incredibly cliche.

Anonymous User
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:00 am

How is it cliche? I have never heard this story before... I'm actually asking you which lines are cliche so I can fix them... Not trying to be defensive...

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PopTorts13
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby PopTorts13 » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:16 am

Anonymous User wrote:How is it cliche? I have never heard this story before... I'm actually asking you which lines are cliche so I can fix them... Not trying to be defensive...


A traumatic event changes your entire outlook and appreciation for life.. People use this angle in their ps often. Lines about sleeping through life and an endurance race as a metaphor for your struggle to do yourself a better, not to mention the lines about other people referring to you as "smart". Not a fan of your narrated writing technique. Perhaps your intentions are good, but I strongly dislike your writing.... Positive news is I'm not an adcom ha ha.
Last edited by PopTorts13 on Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:18 am

PopTorts13 wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:How is it cliche? I have never heard this story before... I'm actually asking you which lines are cliche so I can fix them... Not trying to be defensive...


A traumatic event changes your entire outlook and appreciation for life.. People use this angle in their ps often. Lines about sleeping through life and an endurance race as a metaphor for your struggle to do yourself a better, not to mention the lines about other people referring to you as "smart". Not a fan of your narrated writing technique. Perhaps your intentions are good, but strongly dislike your writing.... Positive news is I'm not an adcom ha ha.


Good thing your not an Adcom LOL - thank god.

---Can someone help me think of the right word for the bolded sentence to replace determination. Im trying to say I wanted to use this poor outlook that my parents had on my life as my motivation to push myself past all of my previous limits.

coldweather
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby coldweather » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:26 am

I like the ps story. You show your determination through a good narrative. I would suggest you revise your verb choices. You use a lot of passive verbs and sometimes use the the past perfect "had" incorrectly. Look to use more action verbs. This will strengthen your message.

Anonymous User
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Re: Read this bad boy and let me know what you think please...

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:30 am

Thank you...

How can i write a story based on the past while avoiding using past tense. I was having this problem as someone else was helping me with this...

I don't really know what active verbs are - as opposed to passive verbs... I guess i missed that day in elementary school. I will do my research and fix my verb choices and post a new version tomorrow.

Thanks for everyone help so far.

coldweather
Posts: 70
Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2012 12:43 am

Re: Read this and let me know what you think please...

Postby coldweather » Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:39 am

Passive: The letter was mailed by Ben.

Active: Ben mailed the letter.

Active voice in a narrative is very strong. You do the actions.


http://learnenglish.britishcouncil.org/ ... st-perfect

this link has a good explanation for the past perfect




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