Comments on first draft of personal statement- please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Rate on a Scale of 1 to 10

1
0
No votes
2
0
No votes
3
1
33%
4
1
33%
5
0
No votes
6
0
No votes
7
0
No votes
8
0
No votes
9
0
No votes
10
1
33%
 
Total votes: 3

whjohnso444
Posts: 112
Joined: Wed Aug 07, 2013 9:57 pm

Comments on first draft of personal statement- please!

Postby whjohnso444 » Wed Aug 07, 2013 10:02 pm

*note* I know it is often said to only discuss positive achievements in a personal statement, but i'm wondering what everyone thinks of something like this that may be a bit unorthodox. Comments would be appreciated- Thanks.

“Its going to be a long couple of days, I’m dope-sick,” is what he said to me in our first encounter. I wasn’t sure what he meant, but I was certain to find out considering we spent the better part of a week as bunkmates. While I cannot recall his name, his face had branded its image into my memory. The man had wild unkempt hair, a sunken and worn out face akin to an old catchers mitt, and most unforgettably, a distinct desperation about his eyes. Not much time had passed before he began vomiting unabashedly in the toilet that doubled as our living room and kitchen. After my sensory overload of unsettling sights and sounds, it was clear to me that this meth addict had seen better days. My DUI, while highly regrettable and senselessly unethical, nonetheless provided a unique experience inciting awareness of the state of affairs plaguing the antithesis of the suburban lifestyle of which I had become so accustomed. The common denominator among those around me did not seem to be neither an ugly disposition of bad faith towards society nor an excess of moral turpitude, as conventional wisdom would suggest, but rather a lack of equitable opportunity or learned commitment to virtues deemed fundamental.

In Plato’s Republic, Socrates posits his theory of the tripartite soul, which delineates the instinctual motivations behind human behavior. The logical side controls the love for goodness and reason, while the appetitive side controls desire for appetites contrary to reason. When the appetitive overtakes the logical, an individual is afflicted by poor judgment and the consequences that follow. I believe that Plato’s theory of the soul properly illustrates the phenomenon of addiction in a respect that highlights the inherent absence of rational contemplation and the exigency of education and personal reform. The numerous routines that prison life prescribes serve, ironically, as analogous to the habitual practices that land victims of addiction there in the first place. When one knows only of two existences: the methods of committing crime and the process of receiving punishment, the will for change seems hopelessly clouded by the familiarity of the foreseeable cycle. If recidivism rates and the high proportion of drug convictions are any indication, reason has an onerous task in overwhelming the appetitive soul.

Even with ample means and opportunity provided in my life, I still succumbed to the evils of addiction. Only through realization of my lack of virtue and a personal commitment to change was I able to restore reason as the governing agent of my soul. The benefits I enjoyed as a result are innumerable. My motivations changed from satisfaction of my appetite to satiating my educational goals and aspirations. Unfortunately, such opportunity for reform is often not available to those who most need it on the fringe of society. My eagerness to receive a legal education is in part derived from my interpretation of social justice. I believe that all individuals should be provided the chance to hone the rational faculties of their soul through educational reform, despite their initial disregard for the law. I wish to affect change in a way that enlightens the marginalized, while ultimately strengthening the fabric of societal welfare as a whole. I find my case for acceptance to this legal program to be a strong one not on behalf of my academic achievements, but because of my steadfast conviction for the advancement of legal means in furthering social integrity.

User avatar
mvonh001
Posts: 581
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2012 3:49 pm

Re: Comments on first draft of personal statement- please!

Postby mvonh001 » Wed Aug 07, 2013 10:12 pm

What was your addiction too? You never got into it. I think if you wanna go that route, there is a story in everyones addiction. But IDK if you want that to be the topic of your PS. You should not give the Adcomms any reason to toss your file. Emphasizing that you are an addict is not the best way to go about that, I think.

I see an interesting start off by your jail cell story... I got a little lost once you brought up Plato's republic. I stayed strong and continue'd thinking it would tie in substantially or at least in a way I could understand. Then you brought up being an addict but dont go into that at all... I am a bit confused as to what this PS says about you.

User avatar
CardozoLaw09
Posts: 1744
Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2010 1:58 pm

Re: Comments on first draft of personal statement- please!

Postby CardozoLaw09 » Wed Aug 07, 2013 10:25 pm

I understand the connection between Plato's Republic and your overcoming of addiction, but I'm not sure that second paragraph about Plato's Republic is really necessary to begin with. It sounds too much like something that you'd write in a philosophy essay analyzing Plato's Republic. And like Mvonh001 mentioned, I don't really know much about your character from this PS and why you'd make a good law student.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.