draft #6....getting close!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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draft #6....getting close!

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Aug 05, 2013 11:24 pm

After revising slightly after a previous post, here's my updated essay. Personally I think it's great, what do you think? Is there a way to revisit my opening quote in my conclusion??

“Alright, [Name]. Go talk to that man in the polo by the pro shop and call me later.” Those were the words my father left me with in the middle of a hot week in June of 2006. As he drove away, 14-year-old me began to hike towards the pro shop at [Country Club] to begin my first job; a caddie. The caddie master, Carl, soon told me to “work the parking lot,” essentially sentencing me to countless, unpaid hours retrieving members’ bags from their cars.
The next day, I went on my first loop with “Teacher Joe,” a middle school English teacher, caddie, and a personal role model. Teacher Joe and his wife have two adopted daughters and he has made it his mission to fund their college educations through his part-time caddying, a luxury he did not receive from his own parents. As the smoldering heat beat down on us, Teacher Joe showed me the ropes; raking bunkers, walking distances, judging wind, and reading putts.
Eight years, three country clubs, and countless loops later, I find myself in my fifth year caddying at Donald Trump’s golf masterpiece in [Location]. [Country Club], with its hefty initiation fee and private gate counts itself amongst the most exclusive country clubs on the East Coast. Between the Ferraris and the private helicopters, I have caddied in multiple amateur events including the U.S. Junior Amateur Championship and the N.J. State Amateur. Over the years, I have carried the bags of CEOs, lawyers, bankers, sports stars, and average Joes. Working at [Country Club], however, is not all fast cars and big events; it’s an education in life.
Most summer Saturdays for the majority of my teenage and young adult years have seemingly followed the same script. I awake at 6:15 a.m., put on my full-white jumpsuit, and drive 15 minutes through the rolling hills of [Location] to the golf course. On arrival, I tip my hat to the gate guard and follow the winding driveway to the caddie parking lot. Then, I begin the five-minute stroll towards the caddie shack to greet my co-workers. There’s Willie, a large, middle-aged caddie who will make you pancakes or a breakfast sandwich, for a price. There’s “Half-Bill” a former professional golfer whose love of the game is matched only by his physical inability to caddie due to a bad left shoulder, left eye, and left knee. Finally, there’s “Big Frank,” a caddie whose broken smile would make a dentist’s wallet sing.
Through caddying, I have learned a lot about life and people. Three essential lessons I have learned are the importance of patience, adaptation, and hard work. Patience is a virtue and ultimately one of the most important traits a caddie can have. Waiting hours on end has made me a better person. Often, things do not always happen as soon as we want them to in life and accepting that is vital to professional success. Patience is important in nearly all aspects of the law, whether it be judges assigning far away court dates or waiting on documents from others. The capacity to adapt is another key lesson I have learned from caddying. I must adjust my behavior to meet each member’s specific needs. I will be different on the course if I am caddying for a Hall-of-Fame hockey player as opposed to the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. In law, one must always be able to adapt their behavior to the current needs of the client or a specific judge in order to be successful. Hard work is the other major life lesson I have learned from caddying. Carrying two 25 lb. golf bags in upwards of 100°F heat is difficult. Hard work and determination results in success, both on the fairways and in the courtroom. The life lessons I have learned through caddying relate closely to studying and practicing law.
My experience as a caddie has made me into someone who wants to help others. After law school, I look forward to being able to reach out to people who may not know the law or, in fact, may feel they have become victims of it. To me, it seems, at its core, practicing law is about helping people who need help. Similar to giving guidance to wayward golfers who are unfamiliar with the course, I want to be able to deliver a valuable and timely service to clients who are unversed in the legal system. Being able to offer assistance to those in a place of transient need is something that I very much desire, and that is why I want to pursue a career in law.

chinadoll
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Re: draft #6....getting close!

Postby chinadoll » Fri Aug 09, 2013 3:36 pm

pretty good, though don't start a ps with a quote

NYstate
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Re: draft #6....getting close!

Postby NYstate » Fri Aug 09, 2013 4:02 pm

I would delete" often things don't happen when we want them to..." That whole sentence and maybe the next one. Not sure you have to explain the connection between patience and law. Most lawyers are very impatient people. All three of those connections may not be necessary, for each trait. We know why those traits will help you in law. Try looking at it withot them and see how that works.


How does being a caddie for rich people make you want to help others?? That doesn't scan. Do you need that?? Or maybe explain in a sentence- you learned the importance of having a trusted and knowledgable advisor?

What is "transient need"?

I think the quote is ok here. You don't use a famous quote and then write about it. Like "know thyself" or some random quote about law.

But up to OP if he wants to use it.

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manofjustice
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Re: draft #6....getting close!

Postby manofjustice » Sat Aug 10, 2013 11:26 pm

chinadoll wrote:pretty good, though don't start a ps with a quote


Why not?

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manofjustice
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Re: draft #6....getting close!

Postby manofjustice » Sat Aug 10, 2013 11:34 pm

Anonymous User wrote:After revising slightly after a previous post, here's my updated essay. Personally I think it's great, what do you think? Is there a way to revisit my opening quote in my conclusion??

“Alright, [Name]. Go talk to that man in the polo by the pro shop and call me later.” Those were the words my father left me with in the middle of a hot week in June of 2006. As he drove away, 14-year-old me began to hike towards the pro shop at [Country Club] to begin my first job; a caddie. The caddie master, Carl, soon told me to “work the parking lot,” essentially sentencing me to countless, unpaid hours retrieving members’ bags from their cars.
The next day, I went on my first loop with “Teacher Joe,” a middle school English teacher, caddie, and a personal role model. Teacher Joe and his wife have two adopted daughters and he has made it his mission to fund their college educations through his part-time caddying, a luxury he did not receive from his own parents. As the smoldering heat beat down on us, Teacher Joe showed me the ropes; raking bunkers, walking distances, judging wind, and reading putts.
Eight years, three country clubs, and countless loops later, I find myself in my fifth year caddying at Donald Trump’s golf masterpiece in [Location]. [Country Club], with its hefty initiation fee and private gate counts itself amongst the most exclusive country clubs on the East Coast. Between the Ferraris and the private helicopters, I have caddied in multiple amateur events including the U.S. Junior Amateur Championship and the N.J. State Amateur. Over the years, I have carried the bags of CEOs, lawyers, bankers, sports stars, and average Joes. Working at [Country Club], however, is not all fast cars and big events; it’s an education in life.
Most summer Saturdays for the majority of my teenage and young adult years have seemingly followed the same script. I awake at 6:15 a.m., put on my full-white jumpsuit, and drive 15 minutes through the rolling hills of [Location] to the golf course. On arrival, I tip my hat to the gate guard and follow the winding driveway to the caddie parking lot. Then, I begin the five-minute stroll towards the caddie shack to greet my co-workers. There’s Willie, a large, middle-aged caddie who will make you pancakes or a breakfast sandwich, for a price. There’s “Half-Bill” a former professional golfer whose love of the game is matched only by his physical inability to caddie due to a bad left shoulder, left eye, and left knee. Finally, there’s “Big Frank,” a caddie whose broken smile would make a dentist’s wallet sing.
Through caddying, I have learned a lot about life and people. Three essential lessons I have learned are the importance of patience, adaptation, and hard work. Patience is a virtue and ultimately one of the most important traits a caddie can have. Waiting hours on end has made me a better person. Often, things do not always happen as soon as we want them to in life and accepting that is vital to professional success. Patience is important in nearly all aspects of the law, whether it be judges assigning far away court dates or waiting on documents from others. The capacity to adapt is another key lesson I have learned from caddying. I must adjust my behavior to meet each member’s specific needs. I will be different on the course if I am caddying for a Hall-of-Fame hockey player as opposed to the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. In law, one must always be able to adapt their behavior to the current needs of the client or a specific judge in order to be successful. Hard work is the other major life lesson I have learned from caddying. Carrying two 25 lb. golf bags in upwards of 100°F heat is difficult. Hard work and determination results in success, both on the fairways and in the courtroom. The life lessons I have learned through caddying relate closely to studying and practicing law.
My experience as a caddie has made me into someone who wants to help others. After law school, I look forward to being able to reach out to people who may not know the law or, in fact, may feel they have become victims of it. To me, it seems, at its core, practicing law is about helping people who need help. Similar to giving guidance to wayward golfers who are unfamiliar with the course, I want to be able to deliver a valuable and timely service to clients who are unversed in the legal system. Being able to offer assistance to those in a place of transient need is something that I very much desire, and that is why I want to pursue a career in law.


Bad. If I cannot glean the point about you you are trying to make by the second paragraph, I conclude there is none and stop reading.

edit: my eyes glanced upward as I was writing my response and I found this: "my experience as a caddie has made me into someone who wants to help others."

Now I understand why the point of your PS was not front-and-center at the top of the piece: if that was the first thing you wrote, you'd have embarrassed yourself and you knew it.

Seriously? You want to help others? No you don't. Who are you, Mother Teresa? When you're board, do you go out and help others? What did you do today? Help others? Do you tell your buddies "hey, I'd love to go out with you tonight, but I am going to help others instead."

God awful P.S. But here's the good news: it won't hurt you. It just won't help you.

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manofjustice
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Re: draft #6....getting close!

Postby manofjustice » Sun Aug 11, 2013 12:50 am

update: I just unlocked my comp. My browser was open, showing this tab. In this tab was your P.S. and I read this: "[c]arrying two 25 lb. golf bags in upwards of 100°F heat is difficult. Hard work and determination results in success, both on the fairways and in the courtroom. The life lessons I have learned through caddying relate closely to studying and practicing law."

You are literally telling us that because you carried 50 pounds over your shoulder in 100 degree heat that you are going to be a good courtroom lawyer. That is, literally, the thesis of your P.S. (again, from the little pieces of it that I accidentally read.)

Holy flying shit in hell, just think about that for a moment.

If all it took to overcome your competition and get into Harvard is to carry 50 pounds over 18 holes in hot weather, the following is the percentage of applicants that would do so: 100.

There is a connective thread between your experience and why you would be a great lawyer or a great law student. Carrying heavy things is not that connective thread.

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lastsamurai
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Re: draft #6....getting close!

Postby lastsamurai » Fri Aug 16, 2013 12:10 pm

^well that was harsh. I like it, but I think you need to tone down the "this relates to law school" rhetoric. You don't need to tell the ADCOM that a hard worker makes for a good law student. They already know that, so spend more time showing them how you're a hard worker.




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