Probably my fifth draft...please any advice is appreciated!!

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Anonymous User
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Probably my fifth draft...please any advice is appreciated!!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 01, 2013 9:02 pm

“Alright, [NAME OMITTED]. Go talk to that man in the polo by the pro shop and call me later.” Those were the words my father left me with in the middle of a hot week in June of 2006. As he drove away, 14-year-old me began to hike towards the pro shop at [NAME OMITTED] County Club to begin my first job; a caddie. The caddie master, Carl, soon told me to “work the parking lot,” essentially sentencing me to countless, unpaid hours retrieving members’ bags from their cars.
The next day, I went on my first loop with “Teacher Joe,” a middle school English teacher, caddie, and a personal role model. Teacher Joe and his wife have two adopted daughters and he has made it his mission to fund their college educations through his part-time caddying, a luxury he did not receive from his own parents. As the smoldering heat beat down on us, Teacher Joe showed me the ropes; raking bunkers, walking distances, judging wind, and reading putts.
Eight years, three country clubs, and countless loops later, I find myself in my fifth year caddying at Donald Trump’s golf masterpiece in [LOCATION OMITTED]. [NAME OMITTED] Country Club, with its hefty initiation fee and private gate counts itself amongst the most exclusive country clubs on the East Coast. Between the Ferraris and the private helicopters, I have caddied in multiple amateur events including the U.S. Junior Amateur Championship and the N.J. State Amateur. Over the years, I have carried the bags of CEOs, lawyers, bankers, sports stars, and average Joes. Working at [NAME OMITTED], however, is not all fast cars and big events; it’s an education in life.
Most summer Saturdays for the majority of my teenage and young adults years have seemingly followed the same script. I awake at 6:15, put on my full-white jumpsuit, and drive 15 minutes through the rolling hills of northern New Jersey to the golf course. On arrival, I tip my hat to the gate guard and follow the winding driveway to the caddie parking lot. Then, I begin the five-minute stroll towards the caddie shack to greet my co-workers. There’s Willie, a large, middle-aged caddie who will make you pancakes or a breakfast sandwich, for a price. There’s “Half-Bill” a former professional golfer whose love of the game is matched only by his physical inability to caddie due to a bad left shoulder, left eye, and left knee. Finally, there’s “Big Frank,” a caddie whose broken smile would make a dentist’s wallet sing.
Through caddying, I have learned a lot about life and people. Three essential lessons I have learned are the importance of persistence, adaptation, and hard work. Patience is a virtue and ultimately one of the most important traits a caddie can have. Waiting hours on end has made me a better person. Often, things do not always happen as soon as we want them to in life and accepting that is vital to professional success. Patience is important in nearly all aspects of the law, whether it be judges assigning far away court dates or waiting on documents from others. The capacity to adapt is another key lesson I have learned from caddying. I must adjust my behavior to meet each member’s specific needs. I will be different on the course if I am caddying for a Hall-of-Fame hockey player as opposed to the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. In law, one must always be able to adapt their behavior to the current needs of the client or a specific judge in order to be successful. Hard work is the other major life lesson I have learned from caddying. Carrying two 20 lb. golf bags in upwards of 100°F heat is difficult. Hard work and determination results in success, both on the fairways and in the courtroom. The life lessons I have learned through caddying relate closely to studying and practicing law.
My strong academic record coupled with my proven talent in my work experience provides a pragmatic foundation for my success in law school. These experiences have made me a better person and compelled me to reach out to others who may not know the law or, in fact, may become victims of it. At its core, practicing law is about helping people who need help. Similar to giving guidance to wayward golfers who are unfamiliar with the course, being a lawyer allows you to provide a tangible, valuable service to clients who are unversed in the legal system. The ability to help those who require it is something I believe strongly in, and that is why I want to pursue a career in law.


Thank you all!

erik the viking
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Joined: Wed Jul 10, 2013 4:06 am

Re: Probably my fifth draft...please any advice is appreciated!!

Postby erik the viking » Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:52 am

I like this topic. I really like the analogy between giving advice as a caddy and giving legal advice. It is refreshingly humble. One thing I noticed right away is that you highlight a lot of themes that schools are typically thought to be looking for and you do this well, but then you have a tendency to explicitly say that you're doing it. For instance, the following seems redundant and forced.

"My strong academic record coupled with my proven talent in my work experience provides a pragmatic foundation for my success in law school."

You can let your essay stand for itself. Good job.

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szb5058
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Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 4:33 pm

Re: Probably my fifth draft...please any advice is appreciated!!

Postby szb5058 » Fri Aug 02, 2013 10:30 am

Totally agree with the above comment.

Good personal statement, original, well-written.

You could definitely do a bit more "showing" and a little less "telling" at the end. Your reader should be able to understand the lessons you've learned by the action in the story. Explicitly stating it takes a bit of charm off the story.

But seriously, good stuff. I like it.

rapstar
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Joined: Wed Dec 30, 2009 10:37 pm

Re: Probably my fifth draft...please any advice is appreciated!!

Postby rapstar » Fri Aug 02, 2013 10:55 am

Last paragraph.
"I believe my intellect and hard work provide the necessary foundation for success in law school. My experience as a caddy has made me into someone who wants to help others. After law school, I look forward to being able to reach out to people who may not know the law or, in fact, may feel that they have become victims of it. To me, it seems that at its core, practicing law is about helping people who need help. Similar to giving guidance to wayward golfers who are unfamiliar with the course, I want to be able to provide a valuable and timely service to clients who are unversed in the legal system. Being able to offer assistance to those in a place of temporary need is something that I very much desire, and that is the reason why I want to pursue a career in law."

Anonymous User
Posts: 273173
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Probably my fifth draft...please any advice is appreciated!!

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Aug 02, 2013 11:08 am

OP here. Awesome, thank you so much for the positive feedback! I'm currently in the process of sending it around to virtually everyone I know.

I have a few minor questions, however:

Should I tailor it to specific schools in any way, or leave it as is, ie general enough for all schools?

Currently, my essay is right at two pages. I assume these admissions staff read tons of statements and may like to see one that isn't over 2 pages long, and also some schools require it to be no more than two pages long. What do you think on the length of it?

Thanks again everyone!

P.S. I just wish my LSAT wasn't 150...

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szb5058
Posts: 98
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2011 4:33 pm

Re: Probably my fifth draft...please any advice is appreciated!!

Postby szb5058 » Fri Aug 02, 2013 11:15 am

Anonymous User wrote:OP here. Awesome, thank you so much for the positive feedback! I'm currently in the process of sending it around to virtually everyone I know.

I have a few minor questions, however:

Should I tailor it to specific schools in any way, or leave it as is, ie general enough for all schools?

Currently, my essay is right at two pages. I assume these admissions staff read tons of statements and may like to see one that isn't over 2 pages long, and also some schools require it to be no more than two pages long. What do you think on the length of it?

Thanks again everyone!

P.S. I just wish my LSAT wasn't 150...


Each school has it's own directions for the personal statement. The best thing you can do is to read each of these carefully and follow them to a T.

But on the norm, you should avoid going over 2 pages. and as for tailing it to specific schools, it's really up to you. Some schools ask that you include this in the PS, others dont mention it at all. I'd say that you shouldn't go completely out of your way to do it, but if you can make it smooth and natural, then by all means go for it. Still, reading the direction for each specific school you're applying to is really important.

Just an fyi, this article helped me out tremendously while I was writing my personal statement http://lawschooladvice.com/guides/personal-statements/

Probably the best guide on law school personal statements i've seen




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