Taken down for now!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Taken down for now!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:12 am

Taken down for now, many thanks to those who provided feedback and comments! Will re-post final version after my cycle.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

chinadoll
Posts: 32
Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:50 pm

Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby chinadoll » Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:23 pm

i like it. it shows that you can handle scrutiny. by any chance do you happen to have a technical degree?

some minor adjustments: cut adjectives like "soaring." also the paragraph about "putting the presentation together..." is more description than action. maybe talk about some of the things you did to be convincing but not confusing

Anonymous User
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Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:36 pm

chinadoll wrote:i like it. it shows that you can handle scrutiny. by any chance do you happen to have a technical degree?

some minor adjustments: cut adjectives like "soaring." also the paragraph about "putting the presentation together..." is more description than action. maybe talk about some of the things you did to be convincing but not confusing


I have an engineering degree. Those are good comments, thanks a lot!

Do you think that the paragraph describing the board members is off-topic? I was worried that it might be viewed as not showing enough about me.

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby blsingindisguise » Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:41 pm

I have a personal rule about admissions essays that if you're going to use the "right into the action" style of intro, the reader should always know what the hell you're talking about by early in the second paragraph. Maybe this is my ignorance, but I had no idea what the "change control board" was, so I still didn't get what kind of workplace you were in, what you were doing, why this presentation mattered, etc. In fact, I was never completely clear on what you were talking about -- there's a lot of jargon here, which can make for nice color, but only when balanced by at least some explanation (i.e. you don't have to explain what every term means but give the lay reader some idea of what you're generally talking about).

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:45 pm

blsingindisguise wrote:I have a personal rule about admissions essays that if you're going to use the "right into the action" style of intro, the reader should always know what the hell you're talking about by early in the second paragraph. Maybe this is my ignorance, but I had no idea what the "change control board" was, so I still didn't get what kind of workplace you were in, what you were doing, why this presentation mattered, etc. In fact, I was never completely clear on what you were talking about -- there's a lot of jargon here, which can make for nice color, but only when balanced by at least some explanation (i.e. you don't have to explain what every term means but give the lay reader some idea of what you're generally talking about).


I was also worried about this, thanks for your input! I didn't want to focus on what the presentation was about because I thought it would detract from the essay. I tried to keep the minimally required details in so the reader wouldn't be completely lost, but I can see that I didn't keep enough in.

I'll rework it a bit to be more descriptive of the circumstances, thanks!

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:56 pm

Taken down
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby blsingindisguise » Thu Aug 01, 2013 1:11 pm

I still kind of want to know what kind of company it was/what you were manufacturing. I think the writing style overall is strong. There's no obvious connection to law but I don't think there needs to be -- it shows that you do well under pressure, that you like performing well at something, etc. Some might argue for a more "sum up what you learned" conclusion, but I found it kind of refreshing for it to end more like a short story instead of beating me over the head with platitudes.

Anonymous User
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Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Aug 01, 2013 2:34 pm

Taken down
Last edited by Anonymous User on Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thenewguy
Posts: 87
Joined: Thu Jul 11, 2013 9:51 am

Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby thenewguy » Thu Aug 01, 2013 3:46 pm

My only suggestion, keep in mind I have yet to even finish my own first PS draft, is to convey the weight of this meeting. What reprucussions would failure have had on your career? on your bosses perception of you? stuff like that. You do a good job of describing how anxious you were for it, but I think you can improve by painting a better picture of why.

Other than that I really enjoyed it and it read very smoothly.

chinadoll
Posts: 32
Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:50 pm

Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby chinadoll » Thu Aug 01, 2013 8:13 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
chinadoll wrote:i like it. it shows that you can handle scrutiny. by any chance do you happen to have a technical degree?

some minor adjustments: cut adjectives like "soaring." also the paragraph about "putting the presentation together..." is more description than action. maybe talk about some of the things you did to be convincing but not confusing


I have an engineering degree. Those are good comments, thanks a lot!

Do you think that the paragraph describing the board members is off-topic? I was worried that it might be viewed as not showing enough about me.


i don't think it's off topic at all. actually if handled the right way, i think it can do you a lot of good. i'll pm it to you if you send me a message (since you're anonymous)

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: 2-Page PS -- help appreciated!

Postby blsingindisguise » Thu Aug 01, 2013 8:16 pm

[EDIT: Quote removed]

You could always just take the opening line of the second version and put it after the opening paragraph of the first version. I like the first opener better.




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