A New Draft - Please Critique TYIA

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273254
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

A New Draft - Please Critique TYIA

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jul 31, 2013 10:58 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Aug 06, 2013 9:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

chinadoll
Posts: 32
Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:50 pm

Re: A New Draft - Please Critique TYIA

Postby chinadoll » Wed Jul 31, 2013 4:55 pm

your old draft is a little informal, but much clearer than the new draft. cut the first paragraph of the new draft into shorter sentences.

very interesting story

blsingindisguise
Posts: 1296
Joined: Thu Nov 26, 2009 1:08 am

Re: A New Draft - Please Critique TYIA

Postby blsingindisguise » Wed Jul 31, 2013 5:19 pm

Decent overall.

1) Cut "poverty-stricken" from the first line. Awkward in the contest of an individual (as opposed to "poverty-stricken community") and also a cliche.

2) I don't understand from the new draft how you came to be working with Jawan. At least mention the program/context somewhere.

3) I like your line about statistics being about the past not the future, but then that paragraph got a little confusing. You also say you can't change them, but presumably if you're talking about "the future" then you think you can change them. Then the MIT/baseball line struck me as a little arrogant -- you're saying you know better than those guys? Are there really that many top shelf players out there for as little as $2 million (1% of 200m)?

4) It's kind of impressive that you founded a non-profit that worked with NY Schools, I wish you gave a little more detail on that. And I couldn't tell if you intended to continue working with that non-profit during/after school or not.




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