PS first draft? Help critique please

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PS first draft? Help critique please

Postby UTexasLaw » Mon Jul 15, 2013 11:36 pm

undergoing editing
Last edited by UTexasLaw on Wed Jul 17, 2013 11:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: PS first draft? Help critique please

Postby aldiddy » Tue Jul 16, 2013 11:48 am

I think you have a start, but there is a lot of room for improvement. This is good because your PS seems short. Unlike my PS which I can't seem to think of things to add, I think you have a lot waiting to be put in. The main problem with your PS is that you TELL and don't show.

1)I don't think the first paragraph is useful so I think it might help to remove it.

2)Instead of saying that you saw the hardships in India talk about a specific time that may have particularly caught you off guard. Maybe include a sentence about how law could have helped this person/these people. Then you can say that you wanted to be a part of this help.

3) Saying you worked in a charity as a result of your experiences in India is good. You can make it much better though. Maybe say HOW it has shown you "the importance of advocacy." Mention a specific time where your charity did something that exhibits this. Tie your ability to help people with charity into your desire to help people with law (and I think you did this a bit).

4) Don't say that your father worked extremely hard to give you a better life. Show it, but don't talk about it too much. Say a sentence about what he specifically did. Then be reflective on his contributions to you and talk about how these specific things instilled a desire for success. I would advise against saying "I am hardworking," because anyone could say that.

5) I think the last paragraph detracts from the PS. Instead, maybe talk about how India, charity, and your father's contributions(this part breifly if at all) TOGETHER led you to pursue law.

Hope this helps.

Also, I got your pm and will send you mine later today!

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