Military PS if you have a minute.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Military PS if you have a minute.

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jul 13, 2013 11:40 pm

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Jul 26, 2013 8:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Clearly
Posts: 4165
Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2012 4:09 pm

Re: Military PS if you have a minute.

Postby Clearly » Sun Jul 14, 2013 12:04 am

Will read tomorrow just because you were so polite about it.

erik the viking
Posts: 46
Joined: Wed Jul 10, 2013 4:06 am

Re: Military PS if you have a minute.

Postby erik the viking » Sun Jul 14, 2013 8:34 am

Grammer/Spelling/word choice: forbid --> forbade is the correct form of the word, though is sounds a little archaic. do wars 'close down' or do they 'wind down' or something else? That might be more of a stylistic choice. 'I even see ways my presence did help others: the morale of my comrades or the safety of the men on the ground.' Awkward sentence, maybe it's just me.

Great topic. I think I get where you're coming from, I was similarly disillusioned by my time in Afghanistan. I was hesitant to write about it as harshly as you have because I was afraid of coming off as one of those people that trashes an old employer at an interview with a new one or, worse, unnecessarily offending someone who has faith in the war or someone who likes the military (I know that's not what you're doing, but someone might not read it closely enough to get that). Just something to think about.

Anyway, I think you've done a great job here.

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Ramius
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Re: Military PS if you have a minute.

Postby Ramius » Sun Jul 14, 2013 10:07 am

This isn't a bad topic, but my initial impression comes off that you like the army when times aren't hard. No one likes deployments, and they are emotionally and mentally taxing for everyone. What I think you need to do better is explain why your faith and desire to be a JAG in the army came from somewhere other than being home from deployment. This might just be from a fellow AD perspective, but when I read this statement, I can't really understand a good reason why you specifically want to be a JAG. If its going to be the focus of your statement, it should very clearly explain what changed in your POV toward the Army and why you believe in the Army's mission and why you have a passion for being a part of that Army. Again, this might just be from a fellow AD perspective, but to me it seems like you're applying to be a JAG because its the best way to get law school paid for. I apologize if I'm reading too far into this, but that's just how it comes off to me.

Also, while it's not nearly as bad as others I've seen, this sounds a little like a resume/PS. Don't include things that are seen on your résumé unless it ties in directly to the story you're trying to tell and is immediately relevant to your story (eg going through ROTC at Georgetown).

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Military PS if you have a minute.

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Jul 14, 2013 11:17 pm

Hmm...thanks for the thoughts everyone.
I'm going to have to rework a couple of things to make sure the right message gets across and resonates. I appreciate the input.




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