First paragraph- can you tell me what you think

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Anonymous User
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First paragraph- can you tell me what you think

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jul 13, 2013 9:50 am

Hi,
This is my first paragraph of my PS. I am interested in family law and mental health/drug courts. While the meat of the PS won't come until later, I was just wondering if anyone could tell me what they think about the first paragraph, and if I am setting myself up well? Please excuse any small grammer or spelling errors as those will be edited out.

Standing before a judge at the age of 12 didn’t initially prepare me for how significant this event would be; I couldn’t believe that today was the day that I could maybe reclaim my childhood and could perhaps live a “normal” life—one where I could invite someone home to play without feeling horribly embarrassed of the poverty I lived in and where I would not have to explain away the actions of my mother. I had grown accustomed to the legal system much before I knew I ever wanted to, thanks in large part to my mother who was a frequent flier at the county jail—mostly for methamphetamine-related charges with the occasional domestic battery charge. “Why doesn’t anyone stop her, why can’t anyone see who she really is?” I asked, wondering why I had to live in fear each and every single day, and why everyone ranging from my teachers to guidance counselors, and even members of my own family were afraid of her. Being hit, thrown about, and emotionally tortured was something I had grown accustomed to and I had begun to feel hopeless; I’ll never forget the day she called me a [HI I'M THE WORD FILTER. THIS PERSON MIGHT BE A DICK.] before I ever knew I was a gay man, or what being gay would mean in my adult life. This time though, standing in that small Arkansas courtroom, things were different—my mom was absent, though my aunt was standing by my side. As I told the judge whom I wanted to live with, my voice shook into the microphone “yes, I want to live with my aunt your honor”. Hearing those words and knowing that they carried at least a little weight in what would become a long healing process aided me that day in a decision that inevitably changed my life.That day, a judge transformed my life for the better; she took me out of an abusive home and placed me, temporarily of course, into the care of someone fit to raise a child. It was on that day that I both sighed a breath of relief—and again braced myself for legal battles yet to come, including my father.

mmbt123
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Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2012 12:47 am

Re: First paragraph- can you tell me what you think

Postby mmbt123 » Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:40 pm

I think this is fine; it's hard to say w/o seeing the rest. I would be careful about the many legal battles you mention. I think the essay would probably be more powerful and more cohesive if you focused on one or two (maybeee three) battles and try to be insightful about those specific ones, rather than to list the many legal cases you were involved in.

Feel free to pm later w/ your ps if you're interested. Good luck!

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: First paragraph- can you tell me what you think

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jul 17, 2013 1:37 am

mmbt123 wrote:I think this is fine; it's hard to say w/o seeing the rest. I would be careful about the many legal battles you mention. I think the essay would probably be more powerful and more cohesive if you focused on one or two (maybeee three) battles and try to be insightful about those specific ones, rather than to list the many legal cases you were involved in.

Feel free to pm later w/ your ps if you're interested. Good luck!


Thank you, I appreciate that! :)

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mvonh001
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Re: First paragraph- can you tell me what you think

Postby mvonh001 » Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:38 am

of the over x amount of cases i took a part in, there were 3 that really taught me something -about the law and myself.-

the - - can be adjusted to fit your essay.




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