First Draft - Please Critique

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Anonymous User
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First Draft - Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Jul 12, 2013 5:58 pm

delete
Last edited by Anonymous User on Tue Jul 16, 2013 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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jselson
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby jselson » Sat Jul 13, 2013 12:38 am

This is almost entirely resume repetition. You need to focus just on ONE of these things (probably the V10 financial regulation job). And lose the cutesy openings (although I like the conversational tone in general).

Anonymous User
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:31 pm

jselson wrote:This is almost entirely resume repetition. You need to focus just on ONE of these things (probably the V10 financial regulation job). And lose the cutesy openings (although I like the conversational tone in general).


I appreciate the reply and I agree with your assessment re: resume summary. I was trying to paint a broad picture showing how through hard work you can accomplish things you didn't think possible, etc. I might have to change that angle a bit if I am focusing on just one aspect (most likely the job): perhaps more towards a "why law" theme? I'll have to think about it.

Can you clarify what you mean by cutesy openings - do you mean the first sentence, or are there other examples as well?

Thanks

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jselson
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby jselson » Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:49 pm

Anonymous User wrote:
jselson wrote:This is almost entirely resume repetition. You need to focus just on ONE of these things (probably the V10 financial regulation job). And lose the cutesy openings (although I like the conversational tone in general).


Can you clarify what you mean by cutesy openings - do you mean the first sentence, or are there other examples as well?

Thanks


I used the plural in the sense of "now and future openings," ie., don't use them as a rule. I was specifically referring to the first sentence, and any possible future cutesy first sentences. I often use "cutesy" to refer to anything cliched and/or portentous in addition to things that seem "cute" - any sentence that is overburdened and undersupplied.

rendlelaw
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby rendlelaw » Sat Jul 13, 2013 11:39 pm

I agree with jselson here. You can cut out most of the first half and replace them with a line or two about wanting to work hard in college, but I'm not sure that even that would contribute to the point you're hoping to make.
Also, watch your motifs. For example you use the phrase "lightspeed." It's fine and there's nothing wrong with it, but it's not strong. If you can keep your visual imagery in one general area, you can strengthen each adjective and metaphor you use. Most of your language seems focused on work and dedication. See what kind of imagery you can invoke from that realm.

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Lincoln
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby Lincoln » Sun Jul 14, 2013 12:44 am

jselson wrote:You need to focus just on ONE of these things.

Ti Malice
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby Ti Malice » Sun Jul 14, 2013 2:53 pm

Agree with all of the previous advice. This is a classic résumé dump. Don't try to rework it -- you need to write a different essay, perhaps based on some experience mentioned here. Don't let that discourage you. Just treat this draft as a warm-up exercise. By the way, GPA numbers should never appear in a PS.

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thewaves
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby thewaves » Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:17 pm

I don't really get a sense of who you are, other than the fact that you're a hard worker, which is true of pretty much every applicant. Aside from cutting out the resume narrative and concentrating on one or two ideas, you need to add a reflection to your PS. That's what turns a PS from a "this a narrative of my life from high school up to now" into a thoughtful essay. How do you think? What motivates you? What have you learned? What matters to you and why? I think you've begun to answer those questions, so it's a good starting point.

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BlueJeanBaby
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby BlueJeanBaby » Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:50 pm

I think your writing is strong (aside from a few words I wouldn't use in a PS, like "solid" grades) but you need a new subject. This is your opportunity to tell the admissions staff something they can't see from your resume-- and from your accomplishments, the fact that you are a hard worker will likely be evident. I would scrap this entirely and dig deeper; there has to be something else that has happened in your life that has shaped you into the person you've become.

Anonymous User
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Re: First Draft - Please Critique

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jul 15, 2013 1:04 pm

Thank you all for the comments and suggestions. Back to the drawing board!




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