I have a nervous condition, please don't hurt me. :~O

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

I have a nervous condition, please don't hurt me. :~O

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jul 11, 2013 5:36 am

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Last edited by Anonymous User on Fri Aug 02, 2013 10:30 am, edited 3 times in total.

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jetsfan1
Posts: 571
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 8:14 pm

Re: Scrap or revise?

Postby jetsfan1 » Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:06 am

Not bad, I think with some tinkering this vein of thought could work. The one thing I will say though is that the beginning needs to be cut a bit IMO. It's not really apparent off the bat that you are talking about yourself. You don't really say anything about yourself until the line "I wanted to do my part," which is like more than halfway down. This should be more about you than 9/11 and Iraq. You go in on Bin Laden for a couple sentences too. It's not that what you say is wrong, its just unnecessary and takes away from the narrative of yourself that you are trying to convey. So cut some of that.

The positives (there are many, I was pretty intrigued reading this) are that you have led a very interesting path. Going from anti-war activist to active military is not a transition many people make. IMO this should be the core of your PS, how this transition happened. Also, I really really really really really really really really (did I say really enough? haha) liked your subtle hints that you ended up in the military after the 9/11 tale (ruins of a Soviet Air Traffic Control tower, train to armory). It makes you sound like this is gonna be one of those classic "9/11 was so wrong and it made me so angry so I joined the military to get those godless jihadists" narratives (again, not necessarily condemning this path, just saying the story is old and played out and unoriginal for a PS). And then when you turn into a catholic school anti-war crusader its a good twist, makes for interesting reading.

Hopefully this helps. Think the beginning needs a good amount of work/cuts, but this topic can work well for you as a vet if you use your unusual path to differentiate yourself from others using the ever popular 9/11 narrative. Good luck hope it goes well!!!

P.S. Not to shatter your dreams, but I would look up international law on the search forum so you realize how difficult it is to get any of the jobs you seem to be going after.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273071
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Scrap or revise?

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:29 am

Thanks for the input. I think your criticisms are all really good. I'll do what you suggest and research those positions. :)

I wrote a new essay today that's has a different angle. It's more concise and I tried to specifically highlight my economic and family background and volunteer experience in addition to military service. Now that I see your comment though I think you're right about the activist to soldier angle. Maybe I can combine the two. Anyway, have a good day.

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jetsfan1
Posts: 571
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 8:14 pm

Re: Scrap or revise?

Postby jetsfan1 » Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:13 pm

Hmmm, I like the combination idea a lot actually. You would have to sacrifice the 9/11 narrative to make it work I think. Again, good luck!!!




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