A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

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Tigress
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A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby Tigress » Sun Jun 23, 2013 3:52 pm

Sic Parvis Magna


"Being admitted to your school is my dream. I urge you to go beyond my reality to my potentiality, my performance to my promise, and my facticity to my transcendence. I want, with my entire heart and soul, to admitted to your school, and once there, I will work so hard and give my all. I may not have perfect grades or a soaring GPA, but that was owed to an extenuating act of God that I had no hand in. Indeed, had I but world enough and time, I would have shined like a diamond in a coalmine. However, plagued with crippling circumstances, I could not, being a mortal, but capitulate to their tremendous weight. And now that I have reconciled with my fate, now that nature is more kind to me, I am able to more fully capitalize on the gifts fortune has been so kind as to bestow upon me. Now, I can confidently say that I will be one of a kind. Yes, I may not have received my education in X or Y but, by God, I possess the intellectual prowess and the intestinal fortitude to speak my mind and to never bow to laws created to ensure my bland conformity. Indeed, a cat my look at a king; I will challenge, by this very wisdom, the semantic underpinnings operative in this patriarchal world. I will exit, by my law degree, the phallocentric scheme that infantilizes me based upon my physical appearance and relegates me as a woman to a lower existential status, to wit, a world that is killing me softly. I will establish for myself my own code of moral conduct, absolving myself to my own inner voice that unfailingly tells me what is right or wrong, fair or unjust, and conducive to the growth of societies or stunting to its evolution."

Then I will elaborate more fully on the circumstances that hindered me from fully utilizing my potential in the past two years. However, is this a good start? Am I trying too hard to display my knowledge of philosophy and literature? The intent is to come across as intelligent not desperate.

Thanks in advance for the help.

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t-14orbust
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby t-14orbust » Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:23 pm

.
Last edited by t-14orbust on Tue Jul 23, 2013 4:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rinkrat19
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:26 pm

More thesaurus vomit, yayyyyy.

facticity. Just lol.

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cinephile
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby cinephile » Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:27 pm

Tigress wrote:Sic Parvis Magna


"Being admitted to your school is my dream. I urge you to go beyond my reality to my potentiality, my performance to my promise, and my facticity to my transcendence. I want, with my entire heart and soul, to admitted to your school, and once there, I will work so hard and give my all. I may not have perfect grades or a soaring GPA, but that was owed to an extenuating act of God that I had no hand in. Indeed, had I but world enough and time, I would have shined like a diamond in a coalmine. However, plagued with crippling circumstances, I could not, being a mortal, but capitulate to their tremendous weight. And now that I have reconciled with my fate, now that nature is more kind to me, I am able to more fully capitalize on the gifts fortune has been so kind as to bestow upon me. Now, I can confidently say that I will be one of a kind. Yes, I may not have received my education in X or Y but, by God, I possess the intellectual prowess and the intestinal fortitude to speak my mind and to never bow to laws created to ensure my bland conformity. Indeed, a cat my look at a king; I will challenge, by this very wisdom, the semantic underpinnings operative in this patriarchal world. I will exit, by my law degree, the phallocentric scheme that infantilizes me based upon my physical appearance and relegates me as a woman to a lower existential status, to wit, a world that is killing me softly. I will establish for myself my own code of moral conduct, absolving myself to my own inner voice that unfailingly tells me what is right or wrong, fair or unjust, and conducive to the growth of societies or stunting to its evolution."

Then I will elaborate more fully on the circumstances that hindered me from fully utilizing my potential in the past two years. However, is this a good start? Am I trying too hard to display my knowledge of philosophy and literature? The intent is to come across as intelligent not desperate.

Thanks in advance for the help.


It doesn't come across as genuine because people don't speak like this. Also, there are grammar issues.

You should say something like:
It is my dream to be admitted to your school. I have the potential to improve my performance and transcend [whatever it is you're trying to transcend, past poor grades, etc.]. If accepted, I would give law school 110% effort. Due to [circumstance outside my control, death in the family, etc.] my grades in college did not reflect my true abilities. But for [x circumstance] I am confident that I would have performed better. I have since moved on from [x incident] and recovered my strength and bounced back and am capable of performing at a higher level. I will exercise the creativity I have shown thus far in life and apply those talents to law school. My hopes are to use my law degree to advocate for women and women's issues. Law school will help me not only reach self-actualization, but also allow me to help others through targeted litigation [or whatever] and create an impact on society.

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t-14orbust
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby t-14orbust » Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:27 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:More thesaurus vomit, yayyyyy.

facticity. Just lol.


I did feel that was a bit much lol. Who knows, maybe that's how she actually writes/speaks.

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rinkrat19
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby rinkrat19 » Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:31 pm

t-14orbust wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:More thesaurus vomit, yayyyyy.

facticity. Just lol.


I did feel that was a bit much lol. Who knows, maybe that's how she actually writes/speaks.

This like her fifteenth post where she posts a turgid pile of Palin-esque word salad and then refuses to take any constructive criticism on her incredibly awkward prose. It's not worth the effort to try.

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Tigress
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby Tigress » Sun Jun 23, 2013 5:14 pm

t-14orbust wrote:I'm not the most qualified critic, but I feel that it is a bit pretentious. Of course, I'm not as knowledgeable about philosophy, and I don't know your specific circumstances. I'll just trust that your difficulties warrant such strong language in regards to overcoming difficulty. Also, there was a typo I noticed: "to be admitted to your school." Also, I have no idea what "a cat my look to a king" means. The last bit "conducive to the growth of societies or stunting to its evolution" seems to jump from plural societies to a single society, though I'm not entirely sure if there's something wrong with that, I think it should either be "conducive to the growth of society" or "stunting to their evolution."

Then again, you may know more than I do. Just my $.02. Hope this helps


I agree about the cat thing, it is actually a proverb but it seems awkward

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Tigress
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby Tigress » Sun Jun 23, 2013 5:19 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:
t-14orbust wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:More thesaurus vomit, yayyyyy.

facticity. Just lol.


I did feel that was a bit much lol. Who knows, maybe that's how she actually writes/speaks.

This like her fifteenth post where she posts a turgid pile of Palin-esque word salad and then refuses to take any constructive criticism on her incredibly awkward prose. It's not worth the effort to try.


So you write stuff like " turgid pile of Palin-esque word salad" to criticize my own pretentious writing, delightful!

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Dmini7
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby Dmini7 » Sun Jun 23, 2013 5:49 pm

Tigress wrote:
t-14orbust wrote:I'm not the most qualified critic, but I feel that it is a bit pretentious. Of course, I'm not as knowledgeable about philosophy, and I don't know your specific circumstances. I'll just trust that your difficulties warrant such strong language in regards to overcoming difficulty. Also, there was a typo I noticed: "to be admitted to your school." Also, I have no idea what "a cat my look to a king" means. The last bit "conducive to the growth of societies or stunting to its evolution" seems to jump from plural societies to a single society, though I'm not entirely sure if there's something wrong with that, I think it should either be "conducive to the growth of society" or "stunting to their evolution."

Then again, you may know more than I do. Just my $.02. Hope this helps


I agree about the cat thing, it is actually a proverb but it seems awkward


This is from an 0L so take it with a grain of salt, but I don't necessarily think proverbs that aren't widely known (and I don't think this is a widely known proverb as I also had no idea what it was suppose to mean) are wise to use in a personal statement. I will admit your writing style is unique, and I did find it interesting, I just could not imagine having to read an entire diversity statement written like this. I also think you may be writing in too much of a flowery and romantic style. Again, I am not an addmissions committee member, but I don't feel they are looking for an essay in this style, especially since a good portion comes off as excuses, or at least it felt that way to me.

Also, I was a little confused, you stated you have accepted your fate, but then towards the end you go on about establishing your own fate. Is this going to be a switch from your acceptance of god and the hand dealt towards one where you create your own path? Maybe I misread it, which is entirely possible since I am watching a movie while trying to type of a quick response.

edit: Also, this is more 0L talk, If you are going to include the Sic Parvis Magna, I think you should include the translation right next to it. Again, maybe it is just because I am not familiar with latin and maybe everyone working with admissions is, but if I am stuck seeing things I am unfamiliar with, I will miss out on the importance it holds towards the whole essay, and I can only imagine that title encapsulates everything you are about to write on.
Last edited by Dmini7 on Sun Jun 23, 2013 5:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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t-14orbust
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby t-14orbust » Sun Jun 23, 2013 5:51 pm

.
Last edited by t-14orbust on Tue Jul 23, 2013 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Samara
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby Samara » Sun Jun 23, 2013 8:31 pm

You really need to get off your high horse and stop making excuses. This sounds like it was written by a seventh-grader with a vocab list. As so many have been suggesting, start simple. The quality of the idea should be the focus, not the "quality" of the writing. Especially in a legal setting.

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Tekrul
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby Tekrul » Sun Jun 23, 2013 9:47 pm

I think you should remove the phrase intestinal fortitude. The image this conjures is unpleasant and it is not relevant to the point you make in the sentence.

I'll reserve my other comments.

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jselson
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby jselson » Sun Jun 23, 2013 11:41 pm

I've heard "cat may look at a king" before, but that phrase is the very LEAST of the OP's problems.

My reaction as an adcomm member to the last bit: How do you KNOW that your "moral compass" will be "unfailing"? It's good to be confident, but who wants a student who's so sure that she's right? Doubt, self-reflection, and humility are essential. How will this person perform on an exam in which she is supposed to objectively and in a nuanced manner consider multiple points of view? Or is this person likely to let ideology, morality, and bias carry her answers to a Contracts question?

Sav
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby Sav » Mon Jun 24, 2013 8:21 pm

OP, I know you are sincere, from a country where you have suffered oppression, and because you grew up there your writing is the way it is. Talk to accepted.com. They are very good and can help you. TLS is unlikely to give you the help you need in a short timeframe.

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JasonH
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby JasonH » Tue Jun 25, 2013 10:38 pm

Its a little much. At a point it seems as if you are making excuses rather than taking responsibility. But hey, I havn't applied anywhere yet, so it's not like I know what I'm talking about.


intestinal fortitude?

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rinkrat19
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Jun 25, 2013 10:44 pm

"Intestinal fortitude" is a common cliché used in place of "guts" by people who mistakenly believe the write elegantly.

ClubberLang
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby ClubberLang » Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:05 am

Awful. I think you are less likely to be admitted if you submit this.

Sav
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Re: A Diversity Statement in Lieu of a Previously Submitted One

Postby Sav » Fri Jul 05, 2013 5:40 pm

ClubberLang wrote:Awful. I think you are less likely to be admitted if you submit this.
http://top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=210779




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