Thoughts on my PS?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Young Marino
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Thoughts on my PS?

Postby Young Marino » Mon Jun 17, 2013 7:54 pm

So here's my personal statement. I know I probably have a lot of revising to do but if you guys can give me some feedback on this rough draft I'd really appreciate it. I'm having a former professor look at it next week and also taking it to the writing center this week. So yea, please let me know what you think:

In the 1980s, most of Latin America experienced government corruption at unprecedented levels and caused an abundance of civil unrest. As a result of growing tensions, my family immigrated to the United States to pursue a more prosperous life before I was even born. Of course, life brought numerous challenges to my family but the will and determination to succeed prevailed over any obstacles my parents and grandparents faced.
Despite relying on government assistance such as welfare checks and food stamps for the first few years of my life, my parents were still able to provide my siblings and I with food to eat and a stable home to live in. As a result, I began to appreciate simple things, such as food and shelter at a very early age. My parents made sure to illustrate a strong example of the benefits of hard work so that I would understand how to lead a positive and successful life. I took that example and excelled academically in almost all levels of my education, especially in college. I began at XXXXXX College where I graduated with honors with an Associate’s in Arts degree and was placed on the Dean’s List every semester. I continued at YYYYY University where I was awarded the prestigious RRRRRR scholarship and wrote an honors thesis on ZZZZZZ. My thesis received a great deal of recognition and won first place at the third annual undergraduate research symposium. After receiving a congratulatory letter from the chair of the department for winning first place, I ended my undergraduate career by graduating Suma Cum Laude with a Bachelor’s in Arts in political science. The values of hard work I derived from my parents helped me as an undergraduate and these same values will help me be a better law student and practicing attorney as I continue to mature through all walks of life.
My successes in college came with wonderful experiences but the defining moment of my undergraduate career came in October 2012 when I personally met the President of the United States of America, Barack Obama. At the time, I was an intern on his campaign and was considering the possibility of pursuing a law degree. Although our conversation only lasted a few minutes, President Obama recommended that I follow through with the idea of becoming an attorney as he felt I was “well suited” for the job. After a few months of becoming more involved with my local government and realizing how much of an impact an attorney can have in the community, I decided to listen to what President Obama told me and push all of my efforts towards law school. Today, I continue to stay active in my local government by serving on an advisory board that discusses ways to make the community a better place for the underprivileged. When my parents first came to this country, they were part of that underprivileged minority that continues to be taken advantage of economically, politically and legally. I believe that the skills I will attain in law school can help me assist the underrepresented and underprivileged while contributing to the strength of our unique judicial system.

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jselson
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Re: Thoughts on my PS?

Postby jselson » Tue Jun 18, 2013 1:55 am

Not a bad start, but 1) This seems really short, 2) The middle portion reads like a resume recitation, 3) The intro, while I get it, isn't really about you, and so is wasted space (that stuff could be integrated better with your own story), and 4) The Obama stuff seems a bit like name-dropping, so I would shorten it and focus much more on the work that that meeting inspired you to do, and the challenges you faced there. I'd really make the whole PS about your PI-related experience.

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Young Marino
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Re: Thoughts on my PS?

Postby Young Marino » Tue Jun 18, 2013 8:02 am

jselson wrote:Not a bad start, but 1) This seems really short, 2) The middle portion reads like a resume recitation, 3) The intro, while I get it, isn't really about you, and so is wasted space (that stuff could be integrated better with your own story), and 4) The Obama stuff seems a bit like name-dropping, so I would shorten it and focus much more on the work that that meeting inspired you to do, and the challenges you faced there. I'd really make the whole PS about your PI-related experience.


Thanks for the feedback. Regarding the middle, I tried to demonstrate how my successes in undergrad can translate to law school. Is there a more effective way of saying this? For example, I excluded my first place prize, scholarship and honors recognition so I can include it in the PS. Also, I see what you mean regarding the last part. I should probably give a specific example of what I'm doing on the board instead. Thanks again!

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Young Marino
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Re: Thoughts on my PS?

Postby Young Marino » Tue Jun 18, 2013 8:03 am

*excluded honors, scholly and thesis from resume so I can include it in the PS

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smdpnp
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Re: Thoughts on my PS?

Postby smdpnp » Tue Jun 18, 2013 10:19 am

ALeal90 wrote:*excluded honors, scholly and thesis from resume so I can include it in the PS

Your publications and awards should be on your resume. Listing them in your PS will read like a resume recitation, whether they're on your resume or not.




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