Is this paragraph well-written?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Bronte
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Re: Is this paragraph well-written?

Postby Bronte » Wed Jun 19, 2013 9:28 am

Tigress wrote:I am a woman, unlike the rest of humanity, who used to cherish silly pleasures like sneaking out of the house to meet with my friends, stealing away to eat a piece of bread during the fasting season, and reading erotic novels that I hid like a teenager under my pillow.


Like others have said, the piece needs to be rewritten. But focus just for a minute on this sentence, in particular the first two comma-delineated clauses. "I am a woman, unlike the rest of humanity . . . ." Well, at least 50% of the rest of humanity is a woman, so that sounds pretty weird. You probably meant: "I am a woman who, unlike the rest of humanity, used to cherish silly pleasures like sneaking out of the house to meet with friends, etc."

Do you really think "unlike the rest of humanity" is right here? That starts the DS off with a pretty ludicrous claim, namely, that you are unlike the rest of humanity. And then you follow it up with some pretty mundane "silly pleasures" that are probably analogous to things that millions of other little girls like to do (although I don't know about erotic novels).

20141023
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Re: Is this paragraph well-written?

Postby 20141023 » Wed Jun 19, 2013 10:01 am

.
Last edited by 20141023 on Sun Feb 15, 2015 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Tigress
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Re: Is this paragraph well-written?

Postby Tigress » Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:33 pm

Hmmm
Last edited by Tigress on Wed Jun 19, 2013 2:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Tigress
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Re: Is this paragraph well-written?

Postby Tigress » Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:34 pm

[quote="domino"][quote="Tigress"]
Last edited by Tigress on Wed Jun 19, 2013 2:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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domino
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Re: Is this paragraph well-written?

Postby domino » Wed Jun 19, 2013 2:17 pm

NP, once you are done revising, you might want to edit your posts to remove as much of your drafts as you can. Adcomms read here and you want to be evaluated based on your final product.

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Tigress
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Re: Is this paragraph well-written?

Postby Tigress » Wed Jun 19, 2013 2:42 pm

domino wrote:NP, once you are done revising, you might want to edit your posts to remove as much of your drafts as you can. Adcomms read here and you want to be evaluated based on your final product.


Oh okay thanks!




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