Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
sparty99
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby sparty99 » Sat Jun 15, 2013 5:40 pm

Tigress wrote:Going to Duke Law School will help me tremendously in achieving my future goals. Given its unique programs and international renown, I will be able to more effectively fight for women’s rights, advocate for greater religious plurality, and speak up against the inhumane persecution of homosexuals in the Middle East. I want to utilize the unique tools and opportunities that Duke Law School offers to reach a broader audience, relying on the solidity of its name and academic stature. Finally, being admitted to a school like Duke is a symbol of victory, not only to me, but also to all women who will look up to me as an inspiration. This is my ultimate goal in life: empowering women.


Just stop already. What does american legal system have to do with persecution of gays in the middle east. Also, women will not look up to you for inspiration. Get over yourself. Do you know what a law degree does? You have "pie in the sky" dreams. A law degree does not make you GHandi where you start saving lifes and become a world inspiration. It is something that makes you $100,000 in debt where you compete to get jobs that pay $35,000 - $50,000. Most legal graduates will not pursue a career where they help people around the world becuase those jobs don't exist or they are low pay and won't pay back their debt.

You need to stop with the b.s. Write clearly. You need to make this statement about you. And be specific. Why the hell should the admissions think you will empower women? What have you done in your life that was empowering? Were you a social worker? What have you done?




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