Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Tigress
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Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 11, 2013 6:58 pm

Going to Duke Law School will help me tremendously in achieving my future goals. Given its unique programs and international renown, I will be able to more effectively fight for women’s rights, advocate for greater religious plurality, and speak up against the inhumane persecution of homosexuals in the Middle East. I want to utilize the unique tools and opportunities that Duke Law School offers to reach a broader audience, relying on the solidity of its name and academic stature. Finally, being admitted to a school like Duke is a symbol of victory, not only to me, but also to all women who will look up to me as an inspiration. This is my ultimate goal in life: empowering women.

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justonemoregame
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby justonemoregame » Tue Jun 11, 2013 7:04 pm

lolTigress

PSA to everyone else: don't include anything like this in your PS. Don't include it in your LOCI, either.

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Tigress
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:08 pm

justonemoregame wrote:lolTigress

PSA to everyone else: don't include anything like this in your PS. Don't include it in your LOCI, either.


Ok, I took your advice, is it better now? it is for my diversity statement

Indeed, the power that decreed silence and servility to be my destiny also planted in my heart the desire to escape that fate. I believe that God has a greater plan for me than living a little life in which I face no challenge or grow as a person. All my life experiences have instilled in me the ability to face challenges that would crush an ordinary soul. I know that attending Duke Law School is an opportunity most people from my background will never have. I am determined to make the most of that chance.
Last edited by Tigress on Wed Jun 12, 2013 5:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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stuckinthemiddle
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby stuckinthemiddle » Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:30 pm

No.

This is so general and disingenuous. You don't even mention anything Duke-specific.

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Br3v
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Br3v » Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:35 pm

Tigress wrote:Going to Duke Law School will help me tremendously in achieving my future goals. Given its unique programs and international renown, I will be able to more effectively fight for women’s rights, advocate for greater religious plurality, and speak up against the inhumane persecution of homosexuals in the Middle East. I want to utilize the unique tools and opportunities that Duke Law School offers to reach a broader audience, relying on the solidity of its name and academic stature. Finally, being admitted to a school like Duke is a symbol of victory, not only to me, but also to all women who will look up to me as an inspiration. This is my ultimate goal in life: empowering women.


Are you saying that if you go to law school, all women, 50% of the human race, will look "up" to you?

Do you think that may be tooting your own horn a little? Or at least show that you may be completely out of touch with any form of reality?

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Tigress
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Tigress » Wed Jun 12, 2013 8:10 am

Br3v wrote:
Tigress wrote:Going to Duke Law School will help me tremendously in achieving my future goals. Given its unique programs and international renown, I will be able to more effectively fight for women’s rights, advocate for greater religious plurality, and speak up against the inhumane persecution of homosexuals in the Middle East. I want to utilize the unique tools and opportunities that Duke Law School offers to reach a broader audience, relying on the solidity of its name and academic stature. Finally, being admitted to a school like Duke is a symbol of victory, not only to me, but also to all women who will look up to me as an inspiration. This is my ultimate goal in life: empowering women.


Are you saying that if you go to law school, all women, 50% of the human race, will look "up" to you?

Do you think that may be tooting your own horn a little? Or at least show that you may be completely out of touch with any form of reality?


No I am not out of touch with reality. You have zero clue of who I am and if I can overcome that then I will be a source of inspiration that empowers women

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PourMeTea
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Post removed.

Postby PourMeTea » Wed Jun 12, 2013 9:24 am

Post removed.
Last edited by PourMeTea on Fri May 08, 2015 12:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

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thatdude222
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby thatdude222 » Wed Jun 12, 2013 9:40 am

justonemoregame wrote:lolTigress

PSA to everyone else: don't include anything like this in your PS. Don't include it in your LOCI, either.



Instead of just "lol-ing" at OP, how can they make it better?

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thatdude222
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby thatdude222 » Wed Jun 12, 2013 9:56 am

I think one of the ways that you can improve this paragraph and take it beyond being very general is to get more specific with how Duke specifically ties into your goals. For example, right now, you could basically replace "Duke" with any other school name and it would be the same to the reader.

Going to Duke Law School will help me tremendously in achieving my future goals.


Get specific here.... What specifically are your goals? What skills, tools, or knowledge do you hope to take away from your law school experience that will help you achieve them? What Duke-specific experiences, course offerings, etc. will help you?

I want to utilize the unique tools and opportunities that Duke Law School offers


Again, what programs, clinics, opportunities does Duke offer that you can't access anywhere else?

Duke is a symbol of victory, not only to me, but also to all women who will look up to me as an inspiration.


Take this further... what women do you hope to inspire? Women in your family? In your community? Also, you may want to go beyond saying that "Duke" or just getting admitted there is simply a symbol of victory.

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BelugaWhale
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby BelugaWhale » Wed Jun 12, 2013 11:57 am

Yeah I have to echo that this paragraph, for many many reasons, should never be read by an ad comm.

You make nearly every single mistake in the book.

I would just delete and write something more...homely.

Sav
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Sav » Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:44 pm

<Deleted in response to TLS admin>
Last edited by Sav on Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CaptainLeela
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby CaptainLeela » Fri Jun 14, 2013 2:53 pm

Sav wrote:
Br3v wrote:
Tigress wrote:Going to Duke Law School will help me tremendously in achieving my future goals. Given its unique programs and international renown, I will be able to more effectively fight for women’s rights, advocate for greater religious plurality, and speak up against the inhumane persecution of homosexuals in the Middle East. I want to utilize the unique tools and opportunities that Duke Law School offers to reach a broader audience, relying on the solidity of its name and academic stature. Finally, being admitted to a school like Duke is a symbol of victory, not only to me, but also to all women who will look up to me as an inspiration. This is my ultimate goal in life: empowering women.


Are you saying that if you go to law school, all women, 50% of the human race, will look "up" to you?

Do you think that may be tooting your own horn a little? Or at least show that you may be completely out of touch with any form of reality?


Actually I see what OP is saying. E.g., just by being elected, Obama made history and blacks who looked at him saw something they had not seen before. Not the actual human being Obama, but a black man who could become president. What OP is saying is true. Just seeing that a Muslim woman can go to law school is a victory for all women where she comes from, unrelated to her specific person. Any Muslim woman admitted to Duke would be the same symbol. It makes sense if explained in the PS better.

OP, can you tie it to the parallel of the US electing a woman president? In 2016, just by Hillary's being elected, women will see something they have not seen in their sex before.

No no no. Anything in which you draw a parallel between your acceptance to Duke Law and Hillary Clinton being elected President is dead in the water. This a ridiculous comparison. Do not do this.

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06102016
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby 06102016 » Fri Jun 14, 2013 5:29 pm

..

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Br3v
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Br3v » Sat Jun 15, 2013 11:43 am

Sav wrote:
Br3v wrote:
Tigress wrote:Going to Duke Law School will help me tremendously in achieving my future goals. Given its unique programs and international renown, I will be able to more effectively fight for women’s rights, advocate for greater religious plurality, and speak up against the inhumane persecution of homosexuals in the Middle East. I want to utilize the unique tools and opportunities that Duke Law School offers to reach a broader audience, relying on the solidity of its name and academic stature. Finally, being admitted to a school like Duke is a symbol of victory, not only to me, but also to all women who will look up to me as an inspiration. This is my ultimate goal in life: empowering women.


Are you saying that if you go to law school, all women, 50% of the human race, will look "up" to you?

Do you think that may be tooting your own horn a little? Or at least show that you may be completely out of touch with any form of reality?


Actually I see what OP is saying. E.g., just by being elected, Obama made history and blacks who looked at him saw something they had not seen before. Not the actual human being Obama, but a black man who could become president. What OP is saying is true. Just seeing that a Muslim woman can go to law school is a victory for all women where she comes from, unrelated to her specific person. Any Muslim woman admitted to Duke would be the same symbol. It makes sense if explained in the PS better.

OP, can you tie it to the parallel of the US electing a woman president? In 2016, just by Hillary's being elected, women will see something they have not seen in their sex before.


STOP

Getting into law school is in no way comparable to the first African American or woman being elected President of the United States. This is horrible advice and you need to stop.

OP if you insist on such a reference tone it down to something like being an inspiration to your sisters or something, not an entire world population.

Sav
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Sav » Sat Jun 15, 2013 12:50 pm

<Deleted in response to Br3v>
Last edited by Sav on Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CaptainLeela
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby CaptainLeela » Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:24 pm

Sav wrote:
Br3v wrote:STOPGetting into law school is in no way comparable to the first African American or woman being elected President of the United States. This is horrible advice and you need to stop. OP if you insist on such a reference tone it down to something like being an inspiration to your sisters or something, not an entire world population.
OK, you are right. Probably the following is the right equation: Hillary in 2016 is for American women what Tigress in 2013 at Duke is for Saudi women (not all women like I said earlier by mistake).
Many US women go to law school, but women cannot become President in the US. Similarly Saudi women cannot go to law school at Duke. In fact, until Obama, Muslims could not become President either.
If a well-written comparison can be made between Republican men and Saudi men on the basis of religiosity and male dominance, this could be connected to how Republican men opposing Hillary's progress is like Saudi men opposing OP's progress. BUT it has to be well written, not whining, and good choice of words.

Another option would be to say, OP could be the first Muslim Saudi woman Duke student like Obama was the first Muslim President, a historic achievement. But it is critical for the idea to be expressed well.

I apologize for underestimating and misunderstanding you sir/madam. Carry on.

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Br3v
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Br3v » Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:44 pm

CaptainLeela wrote:
Sav wrote:
Br3v wrote:STOPGetting into law school is in no way comparable to the first African American or woman being elected President of the United States. This is horrible advice and you need to stop. OP if you insist on such a reference tone it down to something like being an inspiration to your sisters or something, not an entire world population.
OK, you are right. Probably the following is the right equation: Hillary in 2016 is for American women what Tigress in 2013 at Duke is for Saudi women (not all women like I said earlier by mistake).
Many US women go to law school, but women cannot become President in the US. Similarly Saudi women cannot go to law school at Duke. In fact, until Obama, Muslims could not become President either.
If a well-written comparison can be made between Republican men and Saudi men on the basis of religiosity and male dominance, this could be connected to how Republican men opposing Hillary's progress is like Saudi men opposing OP's progress. BUT it has to be well written, not whining, and good choice of words.

Another option would be to say, OP could be the first Muslim Saudi woman Duke student like Obama was the first Muslim President, a historic achievement. But it is critical for the idea to be expressed well.

I apologize for underestimating and misunderstanding you sir/madam. Carry on.


No their clarification just made it worse.
Sav you are claiming that women can't become president in the US, Muslim women can't go to Duke, and Obama is a Muslim? Besides being factually incorrect this is a horrible statement to make in an application essay.
Last edited by Br3v on Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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CaptainLeela
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby CaptainLeela » Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:49 pm

Br3v wrote:
CaptainLeela wrote:
Sav wrote:
Br3v wrote:STOPGetting into law school is in no way comparable to the first African American or woman being elected President of the United States. This is horrible advice and you need to stop. OP if you insist on such a reference tone it down to something like being an inspiration to your sisters or something, not an entire world population.
OK, you are right. Probably the following is the right equation: Hillary in 2016 is for American women what Tigress in 2013 at Duke is for Saudi women (not all women like I said earlier by mistake).
Many US women go to law school, but women cannot become President in the US. Similarly Saudi women cannot go to law school at Duke. In fact, until Obama, Muslims could not become President either.
If a well-written comparison can be made between Republican men and Saudi men on the basis of religiosity and male dominance, this could be connected to how Republican men opposing Hillary's progress is like Saudi men opposing OP's progress. BUT it has to be well written, not whining, and good choice of words.

Another option would be to say, OP could be the first Muslim Saudi woman Duke student like Obama was the first Muslim President, a historic achievement. But it is critical for the idea to be expressed well.

I apologize for underestimating and misunderstanding you sir/madam. Carry on.


No their clarification just made it worse.
Sav you are claiming that women can't become president in the US, Muslim women can't go to Duke, and Obama is a Muslim? Besides being factually incorrect this is a horrible state my to make in an application essay.

A+ trolling, hence my apology. I was taken in. Clearly, after 87,000 threads this PS is beyond correction or self-awareness, so nothing done here is going to matter.

Sav
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Sav » Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:57 pm

<Deleted in response to Br3v>
Last edited by Sav on Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NYstate
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby NYstate » Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:59 pm

OP make this more about you and what to will learn at Duke. Have you done anything specific you can emphasize about your goals to empower women? Maybe tie one or two of those here.

OP I think you can get there just make it about you.

Be careful about claiming to be the first Muslim woman anywhere unless you know for sure this is true.


Also it is best to ignore the trolls. They aren't interested in helping you.

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BelugaWhale
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby BelugaWhale » Sat Jun 15, 2013 2:40 pm

Sav wrote:The many female US presidents we have had will be happy to know you think I am factually incorrect, just like the hordes of Saudi women enrolled at Duke Law.


You do know the difference between "US women cannot become President of the US" and "there has not been a woman US President" right?

Sav
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Sav » Sat Jun 15, 2013 2:43 pm

<Deleted in response to Br3v>
Last edited by Sav on Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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jselson
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby jselson » Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:18 pm

Sav wrote:OP, divide your PS into three sections. In the first section, reminisce about childhood in Saudi, your father's livelihood providing the family with a modest lifestyle. Male classmates tease you because you are a girl, describe your experiences meeting two visitors at the Riyadh zoo, one a devout Muslim and one a committed atheist.

OP is raised a Muslim, but as a fourteen-year-old she investigates Christianity and becomes an adherent of both religions, saying she "just wants to love God." She tries to understand God through the lens of each religion and comes to recognize benefits in each one.

Shifting Saudi government policies lead to a decision by OP's father to sell the family business. The second part of the PS begins with OP aboard a ship to the US for law school. A few days out of port from Riyadh, the ship encounters a storm and sinks. OP manages to escape in a small lifeboat, only to learn that the boat also holds a 450-pound Bengal tiger that has been hiding under the boat's tarpaulin.

Frightened, OP constructs a small raft out of rescue flotation devices, tethers it to the stern of the boat and retreats to it. She begins conditioning the tiger to take a submissive role by using food as a positive reinforcer and seasickness as a negative reinforcer while using a whistle for signals. OP asserts herself as the alpha animal and is eventually able to share the boat with the Bengal.

OP recounts various events while adrift in the Pacific Ocean. At her lowest point exposure renders her blind, feeble and unable to catch fish. In a state of delirium she has a conversation with a marine "echo" that she eventually identifies as the tiger finally speaking up, then identifies as another URM 1L on another lifeboat who is also blinded by exposure and dying. They share dreams of pizza at ACS meetings. The other voice speaks with a French accent and prefers meat to the vegan fare OP longs for--she might actually be a better fit at Boalt, assuming she does not shave her legs like the tiger. OP welcomes this "brother" aboard her boat. The other person moves to attack and eat OP but is instead devoured by the tiger, who springs out at him from under the tarpaulin. Later, her sight restored, OP's boat comes ashore on a floating island network of algae and inhabited by meerkats. OP gains strength but her discovery that the island's plant life is carnivorous forces her to return to the boat. 227 days after the ship's sinking, the lifeboat washes onto a beach in Durham. The tiger disappears into the nearby jungle without a glance back.

The third part of the novel describes a conversation between OP and two adcomms from Duke Law who are conducting an inquiry into her app. They meet her at the hospital in Durham where she is recovering. OP tells them her tale but the adcomms reject it as unbelievable. OP then offers them a second diversity statement in which she is adrift on a lifeboat not with zoo animals, but with the ship's cook, a Taiwanese sailor with a broken leg, and her own mother. The cook amputates the sailor's leg for use as fishing bait, then kills the sailor and OP's mother for food. OP then kills the cook and dines on him.


Oh my God

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Br3v
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby Br3v » Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:55 pm

Sav is trolling, I reported him earlier today, should only be a matter of time.

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jselson
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Re: Do You Like This Paragraph? How Can I Make it Better?

Postby jselson » Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:59 pm

Br3v wrote:Sav is trolling, I reported him earlier today, should only be a matter of time.


It was more of an "Oh my God" stated in awe than an "Oh my God" stated in exasperation.




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