Personal Statement -this is my first draft please critique!

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Personal Statement -this is my first draft please critique!

Postby Anonymous User » Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:00 am

Whenever someone asks me what experience has shaped my life and personality the most I respond, without hesitation, growing up on a farm. There is a sense of pride and integrity that comes with being raised in a place where your father works from sunrise to sunset and who has only ever used the title, self-employed dairy farmer, to fill the occupation line. My childhood was safe, healthy and full of remarkable influences. Lessons of hard work, responsibility, dedication, and respect were learned during chores before sunrise, milking cows, cropping, and late nights in the barn. My morals were challenged and reaffirmed daily on the farm, however; I was far from challenged when it came to my education.
Growing up in a rural town my family lacked access to a quality public school system. However, my father didn't allow the laxidasical school system from lessening the value of intelligence or education in my life. As a result, I have always pushed myself to excel. In high school, when I chose to leave home and attend a private boarding school, I found myself behind other students. However, I learned from myself and my peers and was able to achieve success in and outside of the classroom. In college I moved to the city of Boston and found a passion studying the laws that form the foundation of our society. 

However, I left a city I spent many years in, a city I love greatly, to accomplish my next great achievement. During my first year of law school I challenged myself and have come out with an even greater appreciation for what I can accomplish if given a direct course. While I have enjoyed my studies and look forward to the challenges the next few years present, I find myself in transition as my heart is truly still in Boston. I have sacrificed much but gained more and I realize your institution would offer better access to my ultimate goal of becoming part of the city of Boston. Your institution not only provides students with a rigorous academic environment but also offers immediate access to internships and jobs in the Boston area. I look forward to the accomplishment of my dream, of being a woman of the law, and a proud graduate of your institution.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:15 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Personal Statement -this is my first draft please critique!

Postby Nova » Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:05 am

However, I was not admitted into a school where I felt would push me to my full potential and ultimately choose to attend The Dickinson School of Law.

I dont think you should say your current law school sucks

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Postby PourMeTea » Sun Jun 09, 2013 9:25 am

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Re: Personal Statement -this is my first draft please critique!

Postby justcallmeit » Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:41 am

Why bother with anonymous posting when you post an identical topic at the same time with your real name?

Oh, and don't insult dickinson law when that's your best example of writing.

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Re: Personal Statement -this is my first draft please critique!

Postby NYstate » Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:46 am

Why do you say "however" so much? Is this a result of writing law school exams?

I would simplify the first sentence. Delete the part about " whenever someone asks me."

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