Is This Sentence Proper?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Dr. Dre
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Dr. Dre » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:36 am

CO2016YEAH wrote:
Dr. Dre wrote:i dont like when you say "shut up"


Funny, that was my favorite part. :)

How can I politely say that op made me lol?

Seriously, though, the only way op will be taken seriously is if this sentence is altogether omitted. :D


yup. that sentence just makes me want to pimp slap op.

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Nova
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Nova » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:38 am

Dr. Dre wrote: that sentence just makes me want to pimp slap op.

You wont be able to get away with that once her qualifications speak for themselves.

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CO2016YEAH
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby CO2016YEAH » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:39 am

Nova wrote:
Dr. Dre wrote: that sentence just makes me want to pimp slap op.

You wont be able to get away with that once her qualifications speak for themselves.


Zing!

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Dr. Dre
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Dr. Dre » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:56 am

My choice for Cornell Law School is a well-thought-out decision. Matriculating at Cornell Law will be an indication of my work-ethic, intellectual curiosity, and perseverance to overcome gender inequalities in our society. In addition, a Cornell JD will equip me with the tools to move forward: [INSERT CAREER GOAL HERE].

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CO2016YEAH
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby CO2016YEAH » Fri Jun 07, 2013 10:03 am

Dr. Dre wrote:
My choice for Cornell Law School is a well-thought-out decision. Matriculating at Cornell Law will be an indication of my work-ethic, intellectual curiosity, and perseverance to overcome gender inequalities in our society. In addition, a Cornell JD will equip me with the tools to move forward: [INSERT CAREER GOAL HERE].


Well done, Dre.

Op, your statement is best delivered with a positive and progressive tone, absent of any conveyance of hostility or bitterness. I believe this to be good advice for most correspondence. Calm confidence comes across much more pleasant and desirable than bitterness coupled with having something to prove.

Good luck.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Jun 07, 2013 11:24 pm

Dr. Dre wrote:
My choice for Cornell Law School is a well-thought-out decision. Matriculating at Cornell Law will be an indication of my work-ethic, intellectual curiosity, and perseverance to overcome gender inequalities in our society. In addition, a Cornell JD will equip me with the tools to move forward: [INSERT CAREER GOAL HERE].

choice OF, not choice FOR
"well thought-out" should only have the second hyphen
"work ethic" shouldn't have any
"perseverance to overcome..." is awkward used there, if not outright wrong.
"equip me with the tools" is cliche

kaiser
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby kaiser » Fri Jun 07, 2013 11:31 pm

Anonymous User wrote:Alright, I understand how the original sentence might have come across and here's how I revised it:

"Hence, my choice of Cornell Law School goes beyond mere fascination with its name and prestige; it is a well-thought-out decision. Going to Cornell will signal to my peers that, despite my gender, I am to be taken seriously. I will not be a mere “woman” who somebody could shut up because “she does not know what she is talking about.” This will help me tremendously in my pursuit and future goals."


I'm not sure what the context is or what you are writing about, but I would reconsider the tone and content

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Dr. Dre
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Dr. Dre » Fri Jun 07, 2013 11:33 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:"equip me with the tools" is cliche



not at all

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ManoftheHour
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby ManoftheHour » Fri Jun 07, 2013 11:40 pm

ManoftheHour wrote:
PourMeTea wrote:Tigress flame?


Tigress wrote:"When I am a Cornell graduate, I will not be just any other woman who somebody could shut up because “ she does not know what she is talking about”; my qualifications will then speak for themselves to refute whatever opposition I will encounter."


She still has yet to tell us why Cornell.

:lol:


Anonymous User wrote:Alright, I understand how the original sentence might have come across and here's how I revised it:

"Hence, my choice of Cornell Law School goes beyond mere fascination with its name and prestige; it is a well-thought-out decision. Going to Cornell will signal to my peers that, despite my gender, I am to be taken seriously. I will not be a mere “woman” who somebody could shut up because “she does not know what she is talking about.” This will help me tremendously in my pursuit and future goals."



Damn. I'm a genius.




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