Is This Sentence Proper?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:28 pm

"When I am a X graduate, I will not be just any other woman who somebody could shut up because “ she does not know what she is talking about”; my qualifications will then speak for themselves to refute whatever opposition I will encounter."

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quakeroats
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby quakeroats » Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:34 pm

Anonymous User wrote:"When I am a X graduate, I will not be just any other woman who somebody could shut up because “ she does not know what she is talking about”; my qualifications will then speak for themselves to refute whatever opposition I will encounter."


No. This is beyond correction. Recast it.

Hutz_and_Goodman
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Hutz_and_Goodman » Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:54 pm

Based on this sentence I don't think you should go to law school.

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MikeSpivey
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby MikeSpivey » Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:54 pm

I think another question is, "why would you say that in a Personal Statement"? Obviously none of us has the entire context of your text but this does not seem to be going in the right direction. Overcoming challenges or stereotypes = great. Sounding bitter = not great at all.
Last edited by MikeSpivey on Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Merylian
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Merylian » Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:59 pm

It kind of makes you sound like you're saying you will always be correct, and that everyone will KNOW you are always correct, just because you went to [school X]. I'm going to assume that is not the vibe you are trying to convey, because if you were, that would be terrible.

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presh
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby presh » Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:02 pm

Sidenote: I don't know if you actually expect that from having a law degree or if it's just something to put in your PS, but as a female lawyer, that is DEFINITELY NOT true at all.

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ManOfTheMinute
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby ManOfTheMinute » Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:04 pm

Hutz_and_Goodman wrote:Based on this sentence I don't think you should go to law school.

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ManoftheHour
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby ManoftheHour » Wed Jun 05, 2013 9:14 pm

ManOfTheMinute wrote:
Hutz_and_Goodman wrote:Based on this sentence I don't think you should go to law school.

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suralin
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby suralin » Wed Jun 05, 2013 10:06 pm

ManoftheHour wrote:
ManOfTheMinute wrote:
Hutz_and_Goodman wrote:Based on this sentence I don't think you should go to law school.

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PourMeTea
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Post removed.

Postby PourMeTea » Wed Jun 05, 2013 10:07 pm

Post removed.
Last edited by PourMeTea on Fri May 08, 2015 12:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Bronte
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Bronte » Wed Jun 05, 2013 10:36 pm

It is grammatically correct, but it is beyond repair. Its syntax is awkward in more ways than one, the sentiment it expresses is absolutely inappropriate in almost any context, and it is almost certainly not true.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Jun 05, 2013 10:39 pm

Bronte wrote:It is grammatically correct, but it is beyond repair. Its syntax is awkward in more ways than one, the sentiment it expresses is absolutely inappropriate in almost any context, and it is almost certainly not true.
+1

And may god have mercy on your soul. :P

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holdencaulfield
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby holdencaulfield » Thu Jun 06, 2013 12:28 am

Suralin wrote:
ManoftheHour wrote:
ManOfTheMinute wrote:
Hutz_and_Goodman wrote:Based on this sentence I don't think you should go to law school.

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laxbrah420
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Jun 06, 2013 12:34 am

Anonymous User wrote:"When I am a X graduate, I will not be just any other woman who somebody could shut up because “ she does not know what she is talking about”; my qualifications will then speak for themselves to refute whatever opposition I will encounter."

I'd change it to, "Graduating from the prestigious law school X will signal to my peers and adversaries that I am not just a Plain Jane lawyeress. While plain Jane Lawyeresses are often censured and presumed ignorant, listing school X atop my resume communicates to all, that despite my gender, I am to be taken seriously."

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suralin
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby suralin » Thu Jun 06, 2013 3:30 pm

PourMeTea wrote:Tigress flame?


My thought as well.

wlee1220
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby wlee1220 » Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:13 pm

Suralin wrote:
PourMeTea wrote:Tigress flame?


My thought as well.


This.

jkay
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby jkay » Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:38 pm

Semicolons go inside the quotation marks.

Other than that, genius. Nothing could go wrong.

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Bronte
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Bronte » Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:42 pm

jkay wrote:Semicolons go inside the quotation marks.


That's not correct. Periods and commas do but not colons and semicolons. See http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/qu ... ommas.aspx. There is one small formatting error in OP's sentence in that there is an extraneous space before the first quotation mark.

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ManoftheHour
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby ManoftheHour » Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:47 pm

PourMeTea wrote:Tigress flame?


Tigress wrote:"When I am a Cornell graduate, I will not be just any other woman who somebody could shut up because “ she does not know what she is talking about”; my qualifications will then speak for themselves to refute whatever opposition I will encounter."


She still has yet to tell us why Cornell.

:lol:

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Dr. Dre
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Dr. Dre » Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:51 pm

Image

Anonymous User
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:02 am

Alright, I understand how the original sentence might have come across and here's how I revised it:

"Hence, my choice of Cornell Law School goes beyond mere fascination with its name and prestige; it is a well-thought-out decision. Going to Cornell will signal to my peers that, despite my gender, I am to be taken seriously. I will not be a mere “woman” who somebody could shut up because “she does not know what she is talking about.” This will help me tremendously in my pursuit and future goals."

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Dr. Dre
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Dr. Dre » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:04 am

i dont like when you say "shut up"

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Bronte
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby Bronte » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:25 am

Anonymous User wrote:Alright, I understand how the original sentence might have come across and here's how I revised it:

"Hence, my choice of Cornell Law School goes beyond mere fascination with its name and prestige; it is a well-thought-out decision. Going to Cornell will signal to my peers that, despite my gender, I am to be taken seriously. I will not be a mere “woman” who somebody could shut up because “she does not know what she is talking about.” This will help me tremendously in my pursuit and future goals."


Your writing has mysteriously improved, yet your ability to recognize that the content of this sentence is inappropriate has not. I'm thinking flame. If not, you really should not be writing about how Cornell is going to impress people and stop people from shutting you up because you're a woman. It sounds like a mixture of prestige whoring, bitterness, and paranoia.

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CO2016YEAH
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby CO2016YEAH » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:29 am

Dr. Dre wrote:i dont like when you say "shut up"


Funny, that was my favorite part. :)

How can I politely say that op made me lol?

Seriously, though, the only way op will be taken seriously is if this sentence is altogether omitted. :D

Edit: To be fair, the revision isn't horrible, but it is awkward how you switch from the first to the third person. Also, I said I like the "shut up" part because it is amusing. I would opt to use more professional language, though.
Last edited by CO2016YEAH on Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

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WhiteyCakes
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Re: Is This Sentence Proper?

Postby WhiteyCakes » Fri Jun 07, 2013 9:34 am

PourMeTea wrote:Tigress flame?




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