Anything Wrong with this?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Tigress
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Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Tigress » Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:35 pm

"Some of the people to whom I somehow owe my decision to apply to Cornell Law School are: my deceased father, my friends and my teachers. My father had so much faith in me and taught me to be all that I can be. My sisters expect the best of me ( they have grand ideas for me like being a president). My friends Nuha, Nora, and Sultana--feminist warriors--always remind me of my mission to reform the legal system. Also, some of my teachers, most recently my Legal Writing professor, told me that I have one of the best minds they ever met; such comments emboldened me to overcome the resistance I faced in life.

Lastly and mostly, I give credit to myself. Much of my direction I derive from within. I wanted to go to a top law school so I researched different schools, read about Cornell, developed a fascination for it and knew that this is where I should be."

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Br3v
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Br3v » Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:40 pm

Tigress wrote:"Some of the people to whom I somehow owe my decision to apply to Cornell Law School are: my deceased father, my friends and my teachers. My father had so much faith in me and taught me to be all that I can be. My sisters expect the best of me ( they have grand ideas for me like being a president). My friends Nuha, Nora, and Sultana--feminist warriors--always remind me of my mission to reform the legal system. Also, some of my teachers, most recently my Legal Writing professor, told me that I have one of the best minds they ever met; such comments emboldened me to overcome the resistance I faced in life.

Lastly and mostly, I give credit to mys
elf. Much of my direction I derive from within. I wanted to go to a top law school so I researched different schools, read about Cornell, developed a fascination for it and knew that this is where I should be."


Eh I don't like it. The part about you being one of the best minds they ever met sounds like your tooting your own horn too much (that is something that would come across spectacularly if that person says so themselves in a LOR).

Also this doesn't seem to be a "why cornel". In the Beijing it doesn't even seem to be a "why law school" and at the end you rather abruptly try to add that part in (the cornel specific part is still missing to an even greater extent).

What are you trying to write? An additional "Why cornel" essay to submit in addition to your personal statement?

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Tigress
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Tigress » Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:47 pm

Br3v wrote:
Tigress wrote:"Some of the people to whom I somehow owe my decision to apply to Cornell Law School are: my deceased father, my friends and my teachers. My father had so much faith in me and taught me to be all that I can be. My sisters expect the best of me ( they have grand ideas for me like being a president). My friends Nuha, Nora, and Sultana--feminist warriors--always remind me of my mission to reform the legal system. Also, some of my teachers, most recently my Legal Writing professor, told me that I have one of the best minds they ever met; such comments emboldened me to overcome the resistance I faced in life.

Lastly and mostly, I give credit to mys
elf. Much of my direction I derive from within. I wanted to go to a top law school so I researched different schools, read about Cornell, developed a fascination for it and knew that this is where I should be."


Eh I don't like it. The part about you being one of the best minds they ever met sounds like your tooting your own horn too much (that is something that would come across spectacularly if that person says so themselves in a LOR).

Also this doesn't seem to be a "why cornel". In the Beijing it doesn't even seem to be a "why law school" and at the end you rather abruptly try to add that part in (the cornel specific part is still missing to an even greater extent).

What are you trying to write? An additional "Why cornel" essay to submit in addition to your personal statement?



Yes, they asked in the application for who influenced me to apply. How would you re-write??

justcallmeit
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby justcallmeit » Mon Jun 03, 2013 8:52 pm

Tigress wrote:
Br3v wrote:
Tigress wrote:"Some of the people to whom I somehow owe my decision to apply to Cornell Law School are: my deceased father, my friends and my teachers. My father had so much faith in me and taught me to be all that I can be. My sisters expect the best of me ( they have grand ideas for me like being a president). My friends Nuha, Nora, and Sultana--feminist warriors--always remind me of my mission to reform the legal system. Also, some of my teachers, most recently my Legal Writing professor, told me that I have one of the best minds they ever met; such comments emboldened me to overcome the resistance I faced in life.

Lastly and mostly, I give credit to mys
elf. Much of my direction I derive from within. I wanted to go to a top law school so I researched different schools, read about Cornell, developed a fascination for it and knew that this is where I should be."


Eh I don't like it. The part about you being one of the best minds they ever met sounds like your tooting your own horn too much (that is something that would come across spectacularly if that person says so themselves in a LOR).

Also this doesn't seem to be a "why cornel". In the Beijing it doesn't even seem to be a "why law school" and at the end you rather abruptly try to add that part in (the cornel specific part is still missing to an even greater extent).

What are you trying to write? An additional "Why cornel" essay to submit in addition to your personal statement?



Yes, they asked in the application for who influenced me to apply. How would you re-write??


You need more specifics. For example, "So and so was always watching the news and from an early age pointed out the problems with the drug war. This led to a deep interest in civil rights and criminal justice. While researching law schools, I couldn't help but notice that Cornell has a several professors specializing in this area that I want to pursue."

Make it sound better than that, and find a person and topic that work for your situation.

Oh, and make sure you make it very clear that you've researched Cornell thoroughly, you've identified one or two professors/centers you would love to work with, and you can elaborate how their research matches your interests.

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Br3v
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Br3v » Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:29 pm

I wouldn't name drop a professor though. A center or academic strength of Cornell will suffice.

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Postby PourMeTea » Mon Jun 03, 2013 10:43 pm

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chup
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby chup » Tue Jun 04, 2013 7:19 am

You should probably just make one thread where people can help you troubleshoot your personal statement, instead of starting a new thread every time you have a question.

drive4showLSAT4dough
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby drive4showLSAT4dough » Tue Jun 04, 2013 8:04 am

The "Who Influenced you to Apply?" question is meant to be answered when you have a Cornell-specific reason. I mean, your answer is: "my family, my friends, my teachers and I think I should apply to Cornell because we believe I'm gonna do great things." I bet just about every Cornell applicant could say that. It's not remarkable at all. No offense. You may be quite remarkable, but putting it that way is not going to convince an AdComm.

Instead, you sound ridiculous by saying your professors think you're the smartest person they've met and you're family thinks you're gonna be "a president"

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Tigress
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:55 am

Okay, I took all of your advice and here is what I acme out with:

"Some of the people to whom I somehow owe my decision to apply to Cornell Law School are: my deceased father, my friends and my teachers. My father had so much faith in me and taught me to be all that I can be. My sisters expect the best of me and have always supported my ambitions. My friends Nuha, Nora, and Sultana continually remind me of my mission to help fight for women's rights.

Lastly and mostly, I give credit to myself. Much of my inspiration I derive from within. I wanted to go to a top law school so I researched different schools, read about Cornell, learned about its programs and the contributions of several of its distinguished professors and alumni such as George Blakey, Michael C. Dorf, Emily Sherwin and Steven Shiffrin and developed a fascination for its human rights program, its Avon Global Center for Women and Justice and several of its student organizations. I knew that this is where I should be.

justcallmeit
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby justcallmeit » Tue Jun 04, 2013 10:51 am

Tigress wrote:Okay, I took all of your advice and here is what I acme out with:

"Some of the people to whom I somehow owe my decision to apply to Cornell Law School are: my deceased father, my friends and my teachers. My father had so much faith in me and taught me to be all that I can be. My sisters expect the best of me and have always supported my ambitions. My friends Nuha, Nora, and Sultana continually remind me of my mission to help fight for women's rights.

Lastly and mostly, I give credit to myself. Much of my inspiration I derive from within. I wanted to go to a top law school so I researched different schools, read about Cornell, learned about its programs and the contributions of several of its distinguished professors and alumni such as George Blakey, Michael C. Dorf, Emily Sherwin and Steven Shiffrin and developed a fascination for its human rights program, its Avon Global Center for Women and Justice and several of its student organizations. I knew that this is where I should be.


Closer, but not quite. Everyone who is applying to Cornell has researched the school and can name drop professors and alums. You need to make the connection of how your personal interests are ONLY going to be satisfied at Cornell.

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A. Nony Mouse
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby A. Nony Mouse » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:09 am

Yeah, it's still generic. Why did you want to go to a top law school to begin with? (although that might be in your PS, I suppose.) why are you fascinated with the human rights program and the center? which student organizations? why those professors?

And the first paragraph could apply to basically any profession - why did those things make you want to go into law? or Cornell specifically?

Also, "somehow" in the first sentence is awkward - makes it sound like you have no idea how they influenced you, but you then go on to (try to) talk about how they influenced you.

(Something else to consider: right now, this is all about what Cornell (or any law school) can do for you. What would you bring to Cornell?)

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Lincoln
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Lincoln » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:17 am

As someone who just graduated from Cornell, I don't see how any of this would convince admissions that you belong here, specifically. The paragraph about your family and friends has no connection to Cornell. It reads more like an acceptance speech at an award ceremony. If anything, I would connect one or two of these people, and what they taught you, to what you hope to do with a law degree or at Cornell.

The second part reads way too much like you did five minutes of research on the internet. Some of the professors you mention are great teachers; some are not (IMO). Either way, there's no guarantee any of them will be your professors. The Avon Center is great, but do you specifically want to work there or with the types of issues on which the Center focuses? Does the rest of your application or background reflect such a desire or focus?

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jas1503
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby jas1503 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:23 am

Tigress wrote:"Some of the people to whom I somehow owe my decision to apply to Cornell Law School are: my deceased father, my friends and my teachers. My father had so much faith in me and taught me to be all that I can be. My sisters expect the best of me ( they have grand ideas for me like being a president). My friends Nuha, Nora, and Sultana--feminist warriors--always remind me of my mission to reform the legal system. Also, some of my teachers, most recently my Legal Writing professor, told me that I have one of the best minds they ever met; such comments emboldened me to overcome the resistance I faced in life.

Lastly and mostly, I give credit to myself. Much of my direction I derive from within. I wanted to go to a top law school so I researched different schools, read about Cornell, developed a fascination for it and knew that this is where I should be."


Sounds like you're accepting a Grammy, not applying to law school...



ETA:
***My decision to apply to Cornell is not a carelessly made one. For years my father -who passed away X years ago- instilled in me the belief that, with hard work, I can do anything. Teachers, especially my Legal Writing professor, have noticed my potential throughout my academic career, and those scholars have emboldened me with the wisdom and confidence to pursue excellence at the highest level. For me, Cornell is the highest level of excellence. Cornell's blah, blah, blah reminds me of my mission to HELP reform (what part of the legal system are you trying to reform???) which has also been cited as unjust by (cite sources at Cornell who agrees with you if possible).***



In my opinion, you should blow up this direction you're taking in your essay and start over again.
Last edited by jas1503 on Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:45 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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Tigress
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:44 am

Lincoln wrote:As someone who just graduated from Cornell, I don't see how any of this would convince admissions that you belong here, specifically. The paragraph about your family and friends has no connection to Cornell. It reads more like an acceptance speech at an award ceremony. If anything, I would connect one or two of these people, and what they taught you, to what you hope to do with a law degree or at Cornell.

The second part reads way too much like you did five minutes of research on the internet. Some of the professors you mention are great teachers; some are not (IMO). Either way, there's no guarantee any of them will be your professors. The Avon Center is great, but do you specifically want to work there or with the types of issues on which the Center focuses? Does the rest of your application or background reflect such a desire or focus?



Ok help me please. Who is a great researcher and who isn't in your opinion? I am very interested in human rights and I want to be accepted in Cornell very bad, I like their Avon Center a lot. How do I make myself irresistible?

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holdencaulfield
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby holdencaulfield » Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:05 pm

See below. It's at least a start.

Tigress wrote:"Some of the people to whom I somehow owe my decision to apply to Cornell Law School are: to my deceased father, my friends and my teachers. My father had so much faith in me and taught me to be all that I can be. My sisters expect the best of me and have always supported my ambitions. My friends Nuha, Nora, and Sultana continually remind me of my mission to help fight for women's rights.

Lastly and mostly, I give credit to myself. However, much of my inspiration I derive from within. I wanted to go to a top law school so I researched different many schools, read about Cornell, learned about its programs and the contributions of several of its distinguished professors and alumni such as George Blakey, Michael C. Dorf, Emily Sherwin and Steven Shiffrin. and I developed a fascination for its human rights program, its Avon Global Center for Women and Justice and several of its student organizations. I knew know that this is where I should be.

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Lincoln
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Lincoln » Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:38 pm

Tigress wrote:
Lincoln wrote:As someone who just graduated from Cornell, I don't see how any of this would convince admissions that you belong here, specifically. The paragraph about your family and friends has no connection to Cornell. It reads more like an acceptance speech at an award ceremony. If anything, I would connect one or two of these people, and what they taught you, to what you hope to do with a law degree or at Cornell.

The second part reads way too much like you did five minutes of research on the internet. Some of the professors you mention are great teachers; some are not (IMO). Either way, there's no guarantee any of them will be your professors. The Avon Center is great, but do you specifically want to work there or with the types of issues on which the Center focuses? Does the rest of your application or background reflect such a desire or focus?



Ok help me please. Who is a great researcher and who isn't in your opinion? I am very interested in human rights and I want to be accepted in Cornell very bad, I like their Avon Center a lot. How do I make myself irresistible?


My point isn't that some professors are better than others; the point is that the academic pursuits of individual professors have very little influence on your development as a law student and your career path. The exception would be if you work for a professor or participate in clinical offerings with that professor. None of the ones you mention do clinics, as far as I know, and there's no guarantee you'll be taught by those professors. Consequently, I think name-dropping professors is a silly idea for law school applications. This isn't a PhD program, where connections with professors are the key to both admissions and success.

Moreover, saying that you are interested in human rights or the Avon Center isn't very convincing; anyone can say that. If you think your interest in human rights is a selling point, I would link any such interest to your past experience or qualifications. "Show, don't tell" is an oft-repeated piece of advice with respect to personal statements. Show the admissions committee that you are interested by talking about what you've done until now to pursue those interests. Have you participated in or volunteered for any organizations with a focus on human rights? Do you have any personal experience, whether through family, a troubled background, or travel, with human rights violations? All these things have the potential for a compelling personal statement, and isn't something you should hash out in two paragraphs.

I have two further points that you didn't ask for, but that I feel I should mention. First, Cornell isn't the best school for getting into human rights work. Although they've improved their public interest clinical offerings, there are schools with more options, and schools more focused on public interest. Moreover, the vast majority of Cornell graduates obtain employment with large, commercial law firms. Also, (since you brought up the Avon Center) although some students work for the Avon Center during the 1L summer, the Center, as far as I know, isn't exactly putting any students on a path to human rights work. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't come here. But saying "I want to work in human rights, so Cornell is the only school for me" doesn't quite follow. There is a logical reasoning fail in the intermediate step.

Second, because I surmise from your writing that you are not a native speaker of English, you should edit, re-edit, and proofread everything you write. You may even consider taking some advanced English or writing classes before you come to law school. Law school, and especially law practice, is very writing intensive, and struggling with grammar and syntax puts you at an immediate disadvantage.

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Tigress
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:15 pm

Lincoln wrote:
Tigress wrote:
Lincoln wrote:As someone who just graduated from Cornell, I don't see how any of this would convince admissions that you belong here, specifically. The paragraph about your family and friends has no connection to Cornell. It reads more like an acceptance speech at an award ceremony. If anything, I would connect one or two of these people, and what they taught you, to what you hope to do with a law degree or at Cornell.

The second part reads way too much like you did five minutes of research on the internet. Some of the professors you mention are great teachers; some are not (IMO). Either way, there's no guarantee any of them will be your professors. The Avon Center is great, but do you specifically want to work there or with the types of issues on which the Center focuses? Does the rest of your application or background reflect such a desire or focus?



Ok help me please. Who is a great researcher and who isn't in your opinion? I am very interested in human rights and I want to be accepted in Cornell very bad, I like their Avon Center a lot. How do I make myself irresistible?


My point isn't that some professors are better than others; the point is that the academic pursuits of individual professors have very little influence on your development as a law student and your career path. The exception would be if you work for a professor or participate in clinical offerings with that professor. None of the ones you mention do clinics, as far as I know, and there's no guarantee you'll be taught by those professors. Consequently, I think name-dropping professors is a silly idea for law school applications. This isn't a PhD program, where connections with professors are the key to both admissions and success.

Moreover, saying that you are interested in human rights or the Avon Center isn't very convincing; anyone can say that. If you think your interest in human rights is a selling point, I would link any such interest to your past experience or qualifications. "Show, don't tell" is an oft-repeated piece of advice with respect to personal statements. Show the admissions committee that you are interested by talking about what you've done until now to pursue those interests. Have you participated in or volunteered for any organizations with a focus on human rights? Do you have any personal experience, whether through family, a troubled background, or travel, with human rights violations? All these things have the potential for a compelling personal statement, and isn't something you should hash out in two paragraphs.

I have two further points that you didn't ask for, but that I feel I should mention. First, Cornell isn't the best school for getting into human rights work. Although they've improved their public interest clinical offerings, there are schools with more options, and schools more focused on public interest. Moreover, the vast majority of Cornell graduates obtain employment with large, commercial law firms. Also, (since you brought up the Avon Center) although some students work for the Avon Center during the 1L summer, the Center, as far as I know, isn't exactly putting any students on a path to human rights work. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't come here. But saying "I want to work in human rights, so Cornell is the only school for me" doesn't quite follow. There is a logical reasoning fail in the intermediate step.

Second, because I surmise from your writing that you are not a native speaker of English, you should edit, re-edit, and proofread everything you write. You may even consider taking some advanced English or writing classes before you come to law school. Law school, and especially law practice, is very writing intensive, and struggling with grammar and syntax puts you at an immediate disadvantage.



This is an extremely valuable advice. So how do you suggest I should convince them? I am interested in human rights and I want to go to Cornell

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Lincoln
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Lincoln » Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:19 pm

Tigress wrote:
This is an extremely valuable advice. So how do you suggest I should convince them? I am interested in human rights and I want to go to Cornell


Did what I wrote above not answer your question? You have to do some of this yourself, you know.

justcallmeit
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby justcallmeit » Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:27 pm

Lincoln wrote:
Tigress wrote:
This is an extremely valuable advice. So how do you suggest I should convince them? I am interested in human rights and I want to go to Cornell


Did what I wrote above not answer your question? You have to do some of this yourself, you know.


I actually thought that OP was writing that to be funny. But now I'm less sure.

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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby drive4showLSAT4dough » Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:34 pm

Tigress wrote:
This is an extremely valuable advice. So how do you suggest I should convince them? I am interested in human rights and I want to go to Cornell


Why do you want to go to Cornell? Cornell is not a good school for human rights. Are there other reasons?
Last edited by drive4showLSAT4dough on Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

wlee1220
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby wlee1220 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 1:35 pm

chup wrote:You should probably just make one thread where people can help you troubleshoot your personal statement, instead of starting a new thread every time you have a question.


This. It would help more if we knew how this paragraph fits into your statement before we comment.
Last edited by wlee1220 on Tue Jun 04, 2013 2:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Br3v
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Br3v » Tue Jun 04, 2013 2:08 pm

I wouldn't name drop professors

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suralin
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby suralin » Tue Jun 04, 2013 2:35 pm

Tigress wrote:
Lincoln wrote:
Tigress wrote:
Lincoln wrote:As someone who just graduated from Cornell, I don't see how any of this would convince admissions that you belong here, specifically. The paragraph about your family and friends has no connection to Cornell. It reads more like an acceptance speech at an award ceremony. If anything, I would connect one or two of these people, and what they taught you, to what you hope to do with a law degree or at Cornell.

The second part reads way too much like you did five minutes of research on the internet. Some of the professors you mention are great teachers; some are not (IMO). Either way, there's no guarantee any of them will be your professors. The Avon Center is great, but do you specifically want to work there or with the types of issues on which the Center focuses? Does the rest of your application or background reflect such a desire or focus?



Ok help me please. Who is a great researcher and who isn't in your opinion? I am very interested in human rights and I want to be accepted in Cornell very bad, I like their Avon Center a lot. How do I make myself irresistible?


My point isn't that some professors are better than others; the point is that the academic pursuits of individual professors have very little influence on your development as a law student and your career path. The exception would be if you work for a professor or participate in clinical offerings with that professor. None of the ones you mention do clinics, as far as I know, and there's no guarantee you'll be taught by those professors. Consequently, I think name-dropping professors is a silly idea for law school applications. This isn't a PhD program, where connections with professors are the key to both admissions and success.

Moreover, saying that you are interested in human rights or the Avon Center isn't very convincing; anyone can say that. If you think your interest in human rights is a selling point, I would link any such interest to your past experience or qualifications. "Show, don't tell" is an oft-repeated piece of advice with respect to personal statements. Show the admissions committee that you are interested by talking about what you've done until now to pursue those interests. Have you participated in or volunteered for any organizations with a focus on human rights? Do you have any personal experience, whether through family, a troubled background, or travel, with human rights violations? All these things have the potential for a compelling personal statement, and isn't something you should hash out in two paragraphs.

I have two further points that you didn't ask for, but that I feel I should mention. First, Cornell isn't the best school for getting into human rights work. Although they've improved their public interest clinical offerings, there are schools with more options, and schools more focused on public interest. Moreover, the vast majority of Cornell graduates obtain employment with large, commercial law firms. Also, (since you brought up the Avon Center) although some students work for the Avon Center during the 1L summer, the Center, as far as I know, isn't exactly putting any students on a path to human rights work. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't come here. But saying "I want to work in human rights, so Cornell is the only school for me" doesn't quite follow. There is a logical reasoning fail in the intermediate step.

Second, because I surmise from your writing that you are not a native speaker of English, you should edit, re-edit, and proofread everything you write. You may even consider taking some advanced English or writing classes before you come to law school. Law school, and especially law practice, is very writing intensive, and struggling with grammar and syntax puts you at an immediate disadvantage.



This is an extremely valuable advice. So how do you suggest I should convince them? I am interested in human rights and I want to go to Cornell


Lol. viewtopic.php?f=18&t=210353

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Tigress
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Tigress » Tue Jun 04, 2013 10:14 pm

drive4showLSAT4dough wrote:
Tigress wrote:
This is an extremely valuable advice. So how do you suggest I should convince them? I am interested in human rights and I want to go to Cornell


Why do you want to go to Cornell? Cornell is not a good school for human rights. Are there other reasons?


Why is it not a good school for human rights? It is a member of the Feminism and Legal Theory Project, has an LGBT clinic and the Avon Center. I think it is fantastic for human rights. Am I missing something?

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Lincoln
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Re: Anything Wrong with this?

Postby Lincoln » Wed Jun 05, 2013 12:33 am

Tigress wrote:Why is it not a good school for human rights? It is a member of the Feminism and Legal Theory Project, has an LGBT clinic and the Avon Center. I think it is fantastic for human rights. Am I missing something?


I feel like I keep repeating myself:

Lincoln wrote:Cornell isn't the best school for getting into human rights work. Although they've improved their public interest clinical offerings, there are schools with more options, and schools more focused on public interest. Moreover, the vast majority of Cornell graduates obtain employment with large, commercial law firms. Also, (since you brought up the Avon Center) although some students work for the Avon Center during the 1L summer, the Center, as far as I know, isn't exactly putting any students on a path to human rights work.




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