jselson wrote:2807 wrote:A brief skim shows me that it is:
1. Full of passive voice
2. You do not know your comma rules.
Read the entire thing looking only for comma violations:
Basically, if the part after or before the comma cannot stand on its own--you are doing it wrong (unless it is a proper introduction, or qualifies for another random rule). Do not, add commas, just as an effect, thinking that you, are causing the reader to, pause. It is very annoying. When in doubt, just make two sentences. Short clear sentences are better.
Read the entire thing looking for only passive voice:
Passive writing will kill you in law school. You will see it in cases all the time, but your teacher will crush you if she sees it in your work. And good Lord ---Do not lead off with it in your PS...
Think like this: If you were arguing with someone, you would never argue in the passive voice. Write how you would argue. I do not mean "argue" as in court, I mean as in your living room.
Here are a few examples:
"I can recall with vivid clarity the first time.." ----> Just write: "I recall with vivid clarity..."
"My initial training took place at .." -----> "I was initially trained at..."
"I had done well in the T-6.." ----> "I did well in the T-6"
There are more. Go find them. Seek and destroy.
Lastly, it feels like you are reaching to use fancy expressions. It is a bit thick, and will not impress these readers.
I would edit it to be strong, clear, and purposeful. Less flowers, more force.
You have a good story. Now, sell it better to the actual reader by cleaning up some fundamentals.
NO PASSIVE VOICE
NO GRAMMAR MISTAKES.
Good luck to you. Thank you for your service.
You do realize that none of the "examples" of passive voice you gave is actually an example of passive voice, right?
Definitely had an "lolwut" moment with this one. I had to read through it again to make sure I wasn't out of my mind missing all of this passive voice and comma mistakes.