please delete

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273601
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

please delete

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:01 am

deleted
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

canarykb
Posts: 151
Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2012 11:56 am

Re: My personal statement

Postby canarykb » Fri Mar 08, 2013 1:33 pm

Anonymous User wrote:All advice is appreciated


It was a magnificent and snowy November evening in Wisconsin. I parked my car in the commuter lot and took my supplies out of the backseat. It contained a clipboard with all of the financial data I would update as well as my makeshift piggybank, a glass food container with the top hollowed out to allow bills and coins to be stuffed inside. I began my daily journey, visiting each residence hall on campus and collecting the money left in a customized and decorated container that was at the front desk of each building. After two weeks were over, the resident hall that raised the most money would get an ice cream party that I would host. This fundraiser was a part of my experience with the Relay For Life campaign hosted by The American Cancer Society, which I was a team captain for. [I don't really think this is an impressive anecdote to start with, honestly. You put cans in residence halls and then picked them up? Without going into more detail of what you did it sounds like a very minimal time commitment and effort. You say you're a team leader, so I'm assuming you did a lot more than this, but you gotta tell us what that is! How many people were on your team? How did you organize & delegate their efforts? What sort of advertising/marketing did you do? Was the residence hall/pizza party thing your idea? Give us something to be impressed with! Otherwise, I mean, kids do this kind of fundraiser all the time. ]

For the first few days of the fundraiser I had been disappointed, finding a lot of containers with not even enough change to buy a pack of gum, let alone partly fund an ice cream party and have money left over for my real goal of helping the American Cancer Society. I was hoping that tonight would be different. With Christmas soon approaching, maybe people would be more willing to donate to good causes like helping those with cancer. After finding just fewer than ten dollars at my first stop I had an increased hope. It seemed like the residents were finally starting to take notice of my fundraiser. I continued around the campus and the snow filled the sky around me, making the trip very eventful as I slid on what seemed like every other step I took.

On my way to the second to last building I started adding up the totals in my head. It had been my best night since I started fundraising as I approached thirty dollars of small bills and coins. I entered the resident hall, relieved to get a break from the harsh wind and snow from the outside. I could see a few bills in the container on the front desk and I was anxious to see exactly how much was inside. I opened the lid and one bill caught my eye. I had been used to seeing a bunch of one dollar bills, but this one did not look nearly as beat up as your typical one dollar bill. I was quite surprised when I took it out of the container and noticed that it was a twenty dollar bill. While it may not be the most generous donation everRephrase, finding that twenty dollar bill really inspired me. I knew that most college students have financial trouble. Many are forced to live off of ramen noodles and bland generic food, so for this person to donate twenty dollars when they could just have easily spent it on their own needs really showed great kindness. The experience of this fundraiser really motivated me to try to maximize what I could raise for The American Cancer society. It showed me that even small amounts like dimes and quarters can really add up to make an impact. [Here again you're not showing the effort you put into this campaign. Why were you hopeful? Had you done a big advertising push? Talked with people in the residence halls? Written an article in the paper? You have a story of a flagging fundraising campaign that turned itself around and raised a lot of money, where was your part in it besides passively waiting for more change? When you received your first $20 bill did it reinvigorate you to take more action and change the campaign at all? Without details of the work you put into this fundraiser(besides physically collecting the money), you're a pretty passive actor in your own PS.]

Three months later as we all piled up the stairs to the elevated track for the opening ceremony of the Relay For Life event, a variety of emotions overwhelmed me. I was proud of my team for gathering over $1,800 dollars in donations for The American Cancer Society. [Good to show real numbers/success. TELL US MORE ABOUT THIS TEAM YOU WERE COORDINATING] It took a lot of hard work [Show us the hard work you did!] raise this much money and I knew that my team members did everything they could. We had a small team compared to most of the others that were led by organizations and clubs of the campus. But of the more than sixty teams there that night, we raised more than all but eight of them, showing that even a few friends banding together can make a difference[b][How did you do it!?!].[/b] I was also relieved that after countless hours of fundraising, attending meetings, and planning that I could enjoy a night of bonding with my friends through the countless activities that would be offered throughout the overnight stay. I pondered what would be more fun, the recreational volleyball tournament or the board games and delicious pizza that would follow. [I think the focus on camradarie is good, but I would spend more time on how your fundraiser helped the ACS, and what tangible difference you think it made.] But most of all, I considered myself lucky to even be here; I knew that my life could have gone in a very different direction without a father. [I think you could improve on this transition, I might play around with putting the paragraph about your dad in different places in the PS to see what might work better structurally.]

My father was first diagnosed with leukemia when my mother was still pregnant with me. The outlook did not look good, and doctors told my dad he had less than a twenty-five percent chance of living. But after surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy, and against all odds, he was in remission. Thankfully he has not had any reoccurrences since his difficult battle with cancer. And every time I faced a difficult obstacle, I thought of my father. In comparison, whatever problem I may have seemed like nothing compared to what he had to go through. His difficult experience has constantly motivated me to put my best effort in whatever I do.

As I snapped back to reality and walked around the track surrounded by hundreds of other excited volunteers, all I could think about was how happy I was to still have a father. It did not matter that statistically he should not be alive; there was no way that he would ever give up. He could not leave my mother alone with a soon to be newborn child. It finally occurred to me that in a society so focused about statistics that some things like sheer willpower cannot be measured. I firmly believe that my dad’s experience with leukemia made him a stronger person and in term helped shape me for who I am today.


I think you have a very clear and effective writing style that works well for a PS. Most of the critiques here are related to content. I think your topic is a good one as well, but you need to pay attention to what the reader will be thinking going through the essay. Like I said, you have the knowledge of all the work you did on this campaign, but you're not letting the reader see the full picture of it, leaving us unclear on what effort you put into it besides simply collecting change. The thoughts on including your dad's experience with cancer is my personal bias, but I would think about what type of narrative the reader would find interesting here. Hope this helps.

When/where is this PS being submitted? Haven't most of the deadlines passed?
Last edited by canarykb on Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273601
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: My personal statement

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Mar 08, 2013 1:44 pm

Within the next week. I'm applying late because I retook for February

kakistocracy
Posts: 66
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:14 am

Re: My personal statement

Postby kakistocracy » Fri Mar 08, 2013 7:21 pm

The above is a really good critique.

Although finding a twenty dollar bill is inspiring, it's ultimately not climactic enough for paragraphs of leadup. The personal statement does best to focus on your contributions - it should show off your talents, your experiences, your leadership. Relating an anecdote is fine, but should ultimately take second precedence. Anyone could have placed those cans around and discovered a twenty dollar bill that night. Sure, it's heartwarming, but does it show off your individual strengths?

I'd also work on condensing your prose and trimming your details.

User avatar
Jsa725
Posts: 2003
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:20 pm

Re: My personal statement

Postby Jsa725 » Sun Mar 10, 2013 6:41 pm

.
Last edited by Jsa725 on Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273601
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: My personal statement

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:35 pm

deleted
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Mar 25, 2013 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Jsa725
Posts: 2003
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:20 pm

Re: My personal statement

Postby Jsa725 » Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:00 pm

.
Last edited by Jsa725 on Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
ManOfTheMinute
Posts: 1562
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2012 12:54 am

Re: My personal statement

Postby ManOfTheMinute » Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:03 pm

Jsa725 wrote:¶5: My experience organizing and managing a fundraising team unquestionably prepared me for success in law school and for success in life. I am confident that I can tackle any task, no matter how challenging it may be. yada yada yada


Please don't write that. Fundraising did not prepare you for law school, let alone unquestionably.

User avatar
Jsa725
Posts: 2003
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:20 pm

Re: My personal statement

Postby Jsa725 » Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:11 pm

.
Last edited by Jsa725 on Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rebexness
Posts: 4163
Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2011 6:24 am

Re: My personal statement

Postby rebexness » Wed Mar 13, 2013 8:44 pm

The first one feels very natural, yet isn't really strong enough for a PS. The second feels very forced.

Possibly condense the Relay for Life bit into the first few paragraphs.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.