Personal Statement editing, please help! :D Forum

[lotionrobotron]

“You drive how far?” a familiar customer exclaims. “Oh about 75 miles one way, takes about an hour and half” was always my reply. Yes, this was me six days a week for five years, traveling to a part time job at a grocery store in New Jersey from my home in Pennsylvania. Many people could not believe the trip I had been making almost every day, but I had grown so accustomed to it, it had become only a nominal part of my day, well except having to leave my house at 4:30 in the morning to make it to work on time.

I consider myself to be a very determined person and tend to work hard and do whatever it takes to get any job done. I had kept my job in New Jersey, with hopes of moving up within the company and not to mention to see many familiar faces, whether it was coworkers, customers, or management. When I had started my job there at sixteen, I did not think I would still be working for the same company eight years later. I had moved up within the chain of command very quickly once I had turned eighteen, from customer service, to assistant front end department head, to bookkeeper in the cash office. I was always the one willing to do extra, especially when it came to fundraisers, even if it meant attending meetings in New York State. Whenever another store called looking for extra help, they always requested me because of my accuracy and reliability, and I would always end up going. I was never able to say no when it came to helping someone else no matter how significant or insignificant the request may have been.

Whenever there was something that needed to be done, everyone knew to ask me for their help. It had made things very stressful, because I was the one who could answer almost any question in relationship to my department. Everyone turn to me to seek advice, including those from other stores within the company. By twenty two, due to unforeseen circumstances, I had found myself working even harder trying to maintain normalcy and accuracy after my boss had gone out on disability. While I may have been young and not deemed as the head cash office clerk officially, everyone knew that I was the one in charge and kept everything together. I had passed internal audits with flying colors, attended various meetings and functions, all while attending school and even picking up a second part time job at night in Pennsylvania.

After being let down numerous times with full time positions I was supposedly a “shoe-in” for, I ultimately made the decision to transfer within the company to another chain in Pennsylvania. I made this choice for many reasons, but I quickly realized that this was the right one. The transfer had given me more time to focus on my school work, achieving dean’s list for first time. The store I had transferred to realized my potential and I am now a bookkeeper there. I was even offered a full time position less than six months of the transfer. I politely declined, realizing that if I ever wanted to achieve my dreams of becoming a lawyer, I needed to have time for school. The experience I had received within the company made me realize a lot of other things, most importantly that I need to put myself first if I ever wanted to succeed in life. These past eight years have only made me stronger and appreciate my qualities of being a successful, dependable, hard worker.

[rinkrat19]

You need much more detail, rather than just listing off that you moved quickly from job A to B to C. Show us, don't just tell us, that you are awesome at your job and have all these excellent qualities that you list off.

And it's "shoo-in," not "shoe-in."

[lotionrobotron]

You need much more detail, rather than just listing off that you moved quickly from job A to B to C. Show us, don't just tell us, that you are awesome at your job and have all these excellent qualities that you list off.

And it's "shoo-in," not "shoe-in."

aww thanks for your help!

[fredmerz]

"The experience I had received within the company made me realize a lot of other things, most importantly that I need to put myself first if I ever wanted to succeed in life."

So I gather you aren't interested in public interest? Seriously though, considering the stress a lot of schools put on pro bono work, collaborative learning, clinics and helping underserved communities, I don't think it's great to end on what might come across as a rather egotistical conclusion. I think you could twist it so that your experience at this job made you realize that A) you like taking on responsibility, have a keen eye for detail, are a hard worker, and that B) you really like and are good at being there for other people, but that C) you'd properly excel in an environment where you could do both while working in a stimulating profession like the law. In other words, you've been so successful because you both work hard and look out for other people (whether they be colleagues, clients, or the community at large). Just my two cents.

[fruitoftheloom]

Don't know if it's true, but if you come from rough circumstances or had to pay your way through school, you could easily weave that in.

I also think that organizationally, you can make this much better. How I would organize:

"A one hundred and fifty mile commute each day is rough. <description of time management skills>

<something else? background on why I believed it was worth a 75 mile commute>"

I don't know. What you have not only summarizes your resume, but doesn't give me a feel for you and is (frankly) pretty boring.

[lotionrobotron]

Thanks for all your help guys. I really appreciate it. I have a hard time when I have like NO direction or guidelines. The harsher the better! <3

[Redfactor]

The Bad:
- It's not good. It reads like a Lifetime channel movie for women; a story of self-empowerment and discovery through moderate adversity. I got the impression of you being weak willed when it should have given the opposite impression.
- Like others have stated, you list points rather than show takeaways.

The Good:
- Your story is pretty good. This can turn into a very strong PS, in my opinion.

I would open with you being placed into a position of greater responsibility at age 22 due to your boss going on disability. You say the duties you took over and how they affected the business / workers. The takeaway from the reader will be self-awareness in relation to others, your company / coworkers trust you, and maturity. Then you say how as opportunities presented themselves to learn and train as a worker over the years, you had taken advantage of them which prepared you for success. The takeaway is that you seek to learn and improve as an individual and that you understand how preparation and training directly improves performance. Then you say how this approach of preparation and constant improvement has resulted in promotions and opportunities to move to more desirable stores. The takeaway is that you have a history of success (supported by resume), drive, and others desire to work with you.

You can't tell the reader what impression they should have of you. The insights that will form their judgement is found between the lines.