Personal Statement in need of Review!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Personal Statement in need of Review!

Postby Anonymous User » Wed Feb 27, 2013 6:59 pm

The past 18 years had led to this point in time. I sat in the courtroom with my parents and siblings as the judge granted a petition to establish guardianship over my brother. These “letters of authority” were new for all of us. We had recently learned that at age 18, individuals with disabilities require an appointed legal guardian to provide necessities for them if they are considered fully or partially unable of providing for themselves. This legal procedure played a major role in influencing my decision to pursue law school, and equally strengthened my love of health studies.

My younger brother had many significant medical problems when he was born. As a result, he has cerebral palsy, epilepsy and several other health issues. My support for my brother exposed me to the world of disability and special needs and I now know what is involved and necessary to have as much a normal and fulfilling life as possible. Due to this, I believe in helping those who are unable to help themselves. Although my brother may be different, it was in this moment in the courtroom that I realized he was still able to make his own choices in the eyes of the law. He can get married, and he can vote. According to the law, we are equal. In my journey to pursue dual degrees in both Health Law and a Master of Health Administration, I am eager to continue such equality for future generations.

I learned about this opportunity while researching X University and visiting X Law in person. I was already aware of X great environment for education and networking because I have two siblings that attended the University, and I myself attended for a semester. Seeing the Law school for myself and learning about the strengths of the Health Law Program at X cemented the idea that being a legal counselor for the disabled and children’s health is now my focus and desire.

Both my work and personal experiences have proven invaluable in pursuing my goals of legal advocacy for the disabled. I have been a volunteer for the I-Skate Program for the X Society since I was fourteen years old. This program allows me to work one-on-one with individuals from all backgrounds with a variety of disabilities. In recent years, I have also volunteered for the Disabled Athlete Sports Association (DASA) helping my brother get involved in track & field, as well as bowling and basketball through Special Olympics. His team has won quite a few gold medals, and the excitement and smiles are contagious! These organizations have provided me with unique opportunities to have a direct impact in making a difference in others’ lives.

I was very active in my sorority at the University of X throughout college, where I was involved in “on and off” campus charitable events directed towards the University as well as the City of X. I held council and leadership positions that taught me commitment, focus, time management and responsibility. Even activities such as Irish step dancing have forced me to be determined and focused.

Working at TouchPoint, a training and support program for Autistic children and their families, allowed me to apply my personal experiences and make a difference in these individual’s lives. In this environment I was able to help parents and their children set goals and achieve them. Additionally this experience helped me better understand class material and gain a better understanding of developmental disabilities. I currently have an undergraduate degree in Health Sciences and have taken numerous health courses. I have found these courses both fascinating and rewarding. In cooperation, the legal system and healthcare system have a lot in common, as they relate to those with special needs and are both ever-changing, diverse programs.

Originally my brother’s disability led me to Health Science and therapy, but after witnessing how important the legal aspect was in his case I realized I wanted to do more than focus on the physical aspect of a person’s life. Through this process I discovered my passion for law. I want to be an activist for those that don’t have a voice, to protect their rights and make sure the disabled have all options open to them, both medically and legally.

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Needajob1
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:05 pm

Re: Personal Statement in need of Review!

Postby Needajob1 » Fri Mar 01, 2013 3:55 am

Anonymous User wrote:The past 18 years had led to this point in time. I sat in the courtroom with my parents and siblings as the judge granted a petition to establish guardianship over my brother. These “letters of authority” were new for all of us. We had recently learned that at age 18, individuals with disabilities require an appointed legal guardian to provide necessities for them if they are considered fully or partially unable of providing for themselves. This legal procedure played a major role in influencing my decision to pursue law school, and equally strengthened my love of health studies.

My younger brother had many significant medical problems when he was born. As a result, he has cerebral palsy, epilepsy and several other health issues. My support for my brother exposed me to the world of disability and special needs and I now know what is involved and necessary to have as much a normal and fulfilling life as possible. Due to this, I believe in helping those who are unable to help themselves. Although my brother may be different, it was in this moment in the courtroom that I realized he was still able to make his own choices in the eyes of the law. He can get married, and he can vote. According to the law, we are equal. In my journey to pursue dual degrees in both Health Law and a Master of Health Administration, I am eager to continue such equality for future generations.

I learned about this opportunity while researching X University and visiting X Law in person. I was already aware of X great environment for education and networking because I have two siblings that attended the University, and I myself attended for a semester. Seeing the Law school for myself and learning about the strengths of the Health Law Program at X cemented the idea that being a legal counselor for the disabled and children’s health is now my focus and desire.

Both my work and personal experiences have proven invaluable in pursuing my goals of legal advocacy for the disabled. I have been a volunteer for the I-Skate Program for the X Society since I was fourteen years old. This program allows me to work one-on-one with individuals from all backgrounds with a variety of disabilities. In recent years, I have also volunteered for the Disabled Athlete Sports Association (DASA) helping my brother get involved in track & field, as well as bowling and basketball through Special Olympics. His team has won quite a few gold medals, and the excitement and smiles are contagious! These organizations have provided me with unique opportunities to have a direct impact in making a difference in others’ lives.

I was very active in my sorority at the University of X throughout college, where I was involved in “on and off” campus charitable events directed towards the University as well as the City of X. I held council and leadership positions that taught me commitment, focus, time management and responsibility. Even activities such as Irish step dancing have forced me to be determined and focused.

Working at TouchPoint, a training and support program for Autistic children and their families, allowed me to apply my personal experiences and make a difference in these individual’s lives. In this environment I was able to help parents and their children set goals and achieve them. Additionally this experience helped me better understand class material and gain a better understanding of developmental disabilities. I currently have an undergraduate degree in Health Sciences and have taken numerous health courses. I have found these courses both fascinating and rewarding. In cooperation, the legal system and healthcare system have a lot in common, as they relate to those with special needs and are both ever-changing, diverse programs.

Originally my brother’s disability led me to Health Science and therapy, but after witnessing how important the legal aspect was in his case I realized I wanted to do more than focus on the physical aspect of a person’s life. Through this process I discovered my passion for law. I want to be an activist for those that don’t have a voice, to protect their rights and make sure the disabled have all options open to them, both medically and legally.


Add something about why you are choosing X school and how you can contribute to the law school community. EX: Seattle University has a Mental Health Court Clinic that would align perfectly with your goals. Show that you have researched their school somehow. Great job and Good luck!

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BelugaWhale
Posts: 228
Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:31 pm

Re: Personal Statement in need of Review!

Postby BelugaWhale » Sun Mar 03, 2013 1:36 am

Not a fan of this personal statement.

It reads like an extended version of your resume and I failed to see the connection between the body of you statement and the opening/conclusion

It also does a lot of "telling" but not a lot showing.

Meaning, you use a lot of "I learned this, I did that, I worked on this" type construction. As opposed to you telling these things to the reader, you should work on presenting it in a more vivid and persuasive fashion.

Redfactor
Posts: 374
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 8:52 pm

Re: Personal Statement in need of Review!

Postby Redfactor » Sun Mar 17, 2013 8:03 pm

BelugaWhale wrote:Not a fan of this personal statement.

It reads like an extended version of your resume and I failed to see the connection between the body of you statement and the opening/conclusion

It also does a lot of "telling" but not a lot showing.

Meaning, you use a lot of "I learned this, I did that, I worked on this" type construction. As opposed to you telling these things to the reader, you should work on presenting it in a more vivid and persuasive fashion.


+1

you still have lots of time to improve before the fall




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