A critique please?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bluebean24
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:14 pm

A critique please?

Postby bluebean24 » Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:32 pm

I've just finished my personal statement draft 1.7, and was wondering if someone could please critique it before I start on the next draft? Thanks!

I am not supposed to be writing this personal statement. Two years ago I was on the track
to becoming a physician studying in a seven year combined BS/MD program at XYZ University.
Two years ago I was asked to run for the student senate. Two years ago I realized I did not want
to become a doctor, but a lawyer.

I started college in September 2007 at Blah, Blah College or X for short, a seven year BS/MD program. For the
first year everything went smoothly, I found a balance between studying and spending time with
my roommates- an actress from Florida and a jazz singer from Japan (I still don’t know how the
dorms thought to place the three of us together, but I am happy that they did since we’re all still
friends today.) It wasn’t until the fall semester of my second year that I found myself in a
predicament that I had never thought I’d be in- failing a required class, Bio-Organic Chemistry,
aka Organic Chemistry 1 and 2. I wasn’t all that surprised with the result since I hadn’t spent
much time studying due to the sudden illness my grandfather. My grandfather’s tragic flaw is his
kindness. He had met a woman who claimed to be a recovering addict and her toddler son who
had no place to live. Being the man that he is, he allowed them to move into one of the spare
rooms in his house rent free, provided that they took care of some of the chores around the house
until she could come up with a permanent solution. One day she had a relapse and attacked my
grandfather, causing head trauma that will probably never heal. That fall semester was my worst
academic semester and caused me to go on what X called a prescription year, where I
would sit out of science classes for a year before repeating Bio-Organic Chemistry. At the time I thought that was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me, but looking back I am
extremely grateful for it.

Knowing that I had a full year off from the program, I decided to pursue a minor. I had
always had a passion for reading and writing and had a few English credits that I earned in high
school, so I decided on completing an English minor in the extra year that I found myself with.
During this year I was also asked by a friend of mine to help start a new chapter of a community
service organization on campus, Circle K. For the first time in my life I found myself taking
courses that I was truly passionate about, not classes that I clung to hoping to rediscover a lost
passion. I also found myself excelling in a role I had previously never encountered, that of an
advocate. I found myself speaking with professors, deans, and administrators advocating the
need of an internationally recognized collegiate community service club, while at the same time
pitching the benefits of sponsorship to a Kiwanis Club. After a year of meetings we were able to
form a chapter of Circle K International at XYZ University that is still active today, despite
predictions made that it would not last past our graduation. Working as an advocate awakened
something inside of me, I wanted to do more work with advocacy and written word and less
science oriented. I threw myself into the organization head first becoming a project chair for a
state wide childhood literacy program and later a Lieutenant Governor where I would work to
write and pass amendments and bylaws to the Z of Circle K International.
My work with Circle K did not go unnoticed as a friend of mine from the dorms thought
to ask me to run with his slate for student government elections as a senator for the 2010-2011
academic year. I was hesitant at first, but eventually decided on running and had a successful
campaign. Working with student government and seeing firsthand how bylaws and amendments
are written and implemented and being surrounded by students who shared my new found passion helped me to make one of the hardest decisions in my life, to leave Sophie Davis and
pursue a career in law.

Following my new found passion for bylaws, amendments, and resolutions I decided to
tackle the position of Vice-President of X University in my best year at college yet, my
senior year. I worked with a group of students to redraft the bylaws of the
student government and led a committee that worked to achieve the dreams of many X University students- extended library hours. I also joined my school’s Model United Nations Team
where I learned how to analyze formal legal documents and apply them to current policy. As a
part of the team I competed in the National Model United Nations Competition where I worked
on drafting a sample Arms Trade Treaty and was part of a team that won the title of
Distinguished Delegation.

Insert Paragraph about school I'm applying to

User avatar
Davidbentley
Posts: 418
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:49 am

Re: A critique please?

Postby Davidbentley » Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:45 pm

Some General comments:

1) You're all over the place. This is the shotgun approach. Pick a theme and run with it.

2) It is a running joke that law students are just pre-med kids who couldn't pass organic chemistry. It is probably not a good idea to write a PS proudly stating this.

3) You are selling yourself here. It takes great skill to spend the first half of your PS talking about being a failure, and still be able to redeem yourself in the second half. I don't think you accomplished that.

bluebean24
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2013 7:14 pm

Re: A critique please?

Postby bluebean24 » Fri Feb 22, 2013 9:13 pm

Thank you for the comments, I appreciate them, I think I'm going to just stick to talking about my experience in student govrnment for the statement in this next draft and leave out the pre-med stuff. I do appreciate your honest critique.

User avatar
Davidbentley
Posts: 418
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:49 am

Re: A critique please?

Postby Davidbentley » Fri Feb 22, 2013 10:15 pm

bluebean24 wrote:Thank you for the comments, I appreciate them, I think I'm going to just stick to talking about my experience in student govrnment for the statement in this next draft and leave out the pre-med stuff. I do appreciate your honest critique.

I think that's a good Idea. The connection from med stuff to community work to student government to law seemed tenuous. Perhaps with a rewrite you can delve deeper into the nature of the experiences that led you from there to Law. Best of Luck.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.