a critique of my PS would be greatly appreciated

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pta113
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:12 pm

a critique of my PS would be greatly appreciated

Postby pta113 » Fri Feb 22, 2013 5:04 pm

I have never posted anything before but I would love some opinions on the direction of this. I know some of it is wordy and drawn out, grammatical errors I am sure and so on. Not concerned about that I'll be cleaning that up. I want to improve the quality and/or see if its going in the right direction. This is only my second draft. Thanks everyone.


Taking calculated risks and embracing opportunities have been uniquely defining factors in my life. The many crossroads I have encountered have shown me what happens when I take the road less traveled and when I take the other path. In the process I have learned about myself but more how I can make an impact with the skills I contribute and bring to the table. I have become involved in local and national politics, learned the legal community by working in a state firm with many departments, and made the most of all doors that opened because of the work I had put in throughout the last few years. I will bring an ambitiously focused, forward driven and experienced pragmatist to the University of *** once again, but as a law student. This time I am also bringing an even more profound and passionate desire to excel beyond my potential and show what I can accomplish. It comes down to the person I have become because of the life experiences that have led me here, and I am confident in my dedication to further and better myself more now more than ever before. Achieving my Juris Doctorate is not merely the completion of my aspirations, but the next stepping stone in accomplishing a goal set in motion a long time ago. I hope you will give me the opportunity to prove my worth in this next step of my life. With this opportunity to attend *** law, I will thrive and embrace full heartedly the call I feel to do something bigger than myself. This call to be that person is and always has been the goal that pushes me forward.
By my Junior year at *** I had no political science classes left to take, so I devised a strategy that would take my political education and use it as a building block for my future goals. **US Congressman/woman's ****’s son *** was running for state Attorney General that fall and I heard they were looking for interns. This was the piece missing to my plan that had been in the works since long before I came to ***state. Since I moved to ***city from my home in suburban **homefaraway state, this was the foot in the door I need to take my life and career to the next level. I left **homefaraway state to come so far away for college because I wanted to prove to myself by making it my own way, on my own terms. This semester was the time to set the play in motion. I always felt a call to public service, and this was law mixed with politics? I jumped on this and asked where to sign up. I read all about the candidate and I was impressed. Following politics has been a passion of mine since I was a child during the Clinton White House. This guy had all the qualities and accolades I look for in my political officials: crime fighting prosecutor with a respectable record, an Iraqi war veteran, similar political beliefs, and an honorable, trustworthy family man. I immediately got in touch with the political director of the campaign, and it was one of the smartest calls I ever made.
My idea was to get in on the ground floor of the campaign and work harder than anyone else. I wasn’t from ***new city, frankly I didn’t know much outside of the University because I had only been in ***new city for a few years. I had to pick up that slack in order to show I could adapt to such a new environment seamlessly and I set out with the goal to never be a liability. I made up for my local, cultural inexperience by using my other attributes: my knowledge of all things politics, my youthful energy, my sociability, my willingness to put in the time and sweat to do a good job and always be a positive presence. I made sure I was interning for academic credit and getting more credit hours than anyone, and I made sure to build important relationships during that extra time I was putting in. I knew once I got to know the staff, interns, volunteers, and finally the candidate himself, that it would be a winning combination. The political climate at the time certainly didn’t hurt the campaign’s cause either because we won, in a spectacular fashion. I took away from this practical experience, a ton of new connections, and the hope that a year later when I graduated, that ***politicalguy's door would be open to me. It was and I have never taken it for granted and stopping bettering myself since. I worked has his body-man right away, staffing political events and also getting to work in and learn the in's and out's of a law firm with a multitude of departments. I left to work as a Field director for a few months during the 2013 national election doing grassroots and political outreach work. I had a staff of interns and volunteers that I had to manage (which was a first), but I improvised and learned how to make it work. My districts ended up exceeding the benchmarks set for us. After this finished, I returned to the law firm and gained more job responsibilities which meant new opportunities for myself until I am able to enroll in law school.
The profound and ambitious drive I have comes from my mother. When my family lost her to cancer during my freshmen year at college, it was a very difficult time. She was a fixture in my community back home as a social services leader and true role model to so many. In one of our final conversations, my mom and I spoke about responsibility, priorities, and how by truly living up to my potential was the only way I would ever be content. Those words have resonated and driven me every day. I vowed to myself and to her I would follow through with my plan to be the individual I aspired to be. I knew the next few years to get through school and establish myself would be difficult but it set a fire inside me that has never gone out. I learned a long time ago what to expect and how to roll with the obstacles life throws my way. Without my understanding of the type of social and personal navigation that requires, at 23 I would not have been able to do and experience all the things I have in such a short time. I sincerely thank you for your time and consideration for my acceptance to the law school class of 2016.

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CorkBoard
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Re: a critique of my PS would be greatly appreciated

Postby CorkBoard » Fri Feb 22, 2013 5:38 pm

pta113 wrote:Taking calculated risks and embracing opportunities have been uniquely defining factors in my life. The many crossroads I have encountered have shown me what happens when I take the road less traveled and when I take the other path the one that most people go on?. In the process I have learned about myself but more how I can make an impact with the skills I contribute and bring to the table okay, vague. I have become involved in local and national politics, learned the legal community by working in a state firm with many departments, and made the most of all doors that opened because of the work I had put in throughout the last few years. I will bring an ambitiously focused, forward driven and experienced pragmatist to the University of *** once again, but as a law student. This sounds like a conclusion paragraph. Why is it an opening one?

This time I am also bringing an even more profound and passionate desire to excel beyond my potential and show what I can accomplish. It comes down to the person I have become because of the life experiences that have led me here, and I am confident in my dedication to further and better myself more now more than ever before. Achieving my Juris Doctorate is not merely the completion of my aspirations, but the next stepping stone in accomplishing a goal set in motion a long time ago. I hope you will give me the opportunity to prove my worth in this next step of my life. With this opportunity to attend *** law, I will thrive and embrace full heartedly the call I feel to do something bigger than myself. This call to be that person is and always has been the goal that pushes me forward. Cool but nobody thinks this is interesting. At this point I have no clue what you're even writing about. You talk about "setting a plan in motion that you had thought about a long time ago" but don't really talk about how you got there or anything substantial.


By my Junior year at *** I had no political science classes left to take, so I devised a strategy that would take my political education and use it as a building block for my future goals. **US Congressman/woman's ****’s son *** was running for state Attorney General that fall and I heard they were looking for interns. This was the piece missing to my plan that had been in the works since long before I came to ***state.

Since I moved to ***city from my home in suburban **homefaraway state, this was the foot in the door I need to take my life and career to the next level. What career? To do what? I left **homefaraway state to come so far away for college because I wanted to prove to myself by making it my own way, on my own terms. You and a lot of other people This semester was the time to set the play What play? in motion. I always felt a call to public service, and this was law mixed with politics? I jumped on this and asked where to sign up. I read all about the candidate and I was impressed. Following politics has been a passion of mine since I was a child during the Clinton White House. This guy Terrible word usage. "This guy had all the qualities" sounds really informal and not in a good way. had all the qualities and accolades I look for in my political officials: crime fighting prosecutor with a respectable record, an Iraqi war veteran, similar political beliefs, and an honorable, trustworthy family man. I immediately got in touch with the political director of the campaign, and it was one of the smartest calls I ever made. Why?


My idea was to get in on the ground floor of the campaign and work harder than anyone else. I wasn’t from ***new city, frankly I didn’t know much outside of the University because I had only been in ***new city for a few years. I had to pick up that slack in order to show I could adapt to such a new environment seamlessly and I set out with the goal to never be a liability. Huh? I made up for my local, cultural inexperience by using my other attributes: my knowledge of all things politics, my youthful energy, my sociability, my willingness to put in the time and sweat to do a good job and always be a positive presence. I made sure I was interning for academic credit and getting more credit hours than anyone, and I made sure to build important relationships during that extra time I was putting in. I knew once I got to know the staff, interns, volunteers, and finally the candidate himself, that it would be a winning combination. The political climate at the time certainly didn’t hurt the campaign’s cause either because we won, in a spectacular fashion. I took away from this practical experience, a ton of new connections HINT: you are NOT talking to your buddy. Cut "a ton of connections", and the hope that a year later when I graduated, that ***politicalguy's door would be open to me. It was and I have never taken it for granted and stopping bettering myself since. I worked has his body-man right away, staffing political events and also getting to work in and learn the in's and out's of a law firm with a multitude of departments. I left to work as a Field director for a few months during the 2013 national election doing grassroots and political outreach work. I had a staff of interns and volunteers that I had to manage (which was a first), but I improvised and learned how to make it work. My districts ended up exceeding the benchmarks set for us. After this finished, I returned to the law firm and gained more job responsibilities which meant new opportunities for myself until I am able to enroll in law school. Like what? This is sort of a cool story, but it's basically just a resume dump talking about what you did during your time there with really nothing more than that.


The profound and ambitious drive I have comes from my mother. When my family lost her to cancer during my freshmen year at college, it was a very difficult time. She was a fixture in my community back home as a social services leader and true role model to so many. In one of our final conversations, my mom and I spoke about responsibility, priorities, and how by truly living up to my potential was the only way I would ever be content. Those words have resonated and driven me every day. I vowed to myself and to her I would follow through with my plan to be the individual I aspired to be. I knew the next few years to get through school and establish myself would be difficult but it set a fire inside me that has never gone out. I learned a long time ago what to expect and how to roll with the obstacles life throws my way. Without my understanding of the type of social and personal navigation that requires, at 23 I would not have been able to do and experience all the things I have in such a short time. I sincerely thank you for your time and consideration for my acceptance to the law school class of 2016. Sounds more like an opening paragraph than a closing one.


Covers too much, and most of it isn't great. Lots of stuff needs to be changed around. The beginning sounds more like a conclusion, the ending sounds more like an opening paragraph, and the word choice is way too informal and is totally sloppy. Rewrite.

pta113
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:12 pm

Re: a critique of my PS would be greatly appreciated

Postby pta113 » Sat Feb 23, 2013 5:08 pm

That's very helpful, I appreciate your help going through it. I'm going to do a lot of work to organize my thoughts and writing structure and reevaluate how i want to articulate my direction.




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