Critiques please?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Carnac
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2012 9:27 pm

Critiques please?

Postby Carnac » Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:14 pm

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Last edited by Carnac on Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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fruitoftheloom
Posts: 395
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2012 10:38 pm

Re: Critiques please?

Postby fruitoftheloom » Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:53 pm

Okay - not going to bother to give a line by line critique. I really, REALLY hope this is a first draft. Some thoughts:
-Do you really need to reach back to high school to find a meaningful experience?
-It's too short
-Hate the part where you explain that it's required. Seriously - if volunteering during high school was the most rewarding experience of your life, why didn't you continue it during college?
-Reword this:
It was during this time that I came to appreciate the simple joy of aiding those who are unable to do anything in return for the generosity they were receiving.
it makes you seem super arrogant. In part because some of what you're expressing should be that they DID give you something for your generosity - a feeling of accomplishment and meaning.

It's not a bad topic - it's somewhat cliche - but it's not very well done. I would rate at 2 or 3 / 10 (ie, below average).

cgw
Posts: 134
Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:06 pm

Re: Critiques please?

Postby cgw » Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:15 pm

I agree with the previous poster. Unless this event was a catalyst for pursuing public service and you had other examples of volunteer work to show, you really shouldn't base your PS on a high school experience. Especially when that experience is mandatory volunteer work. Both the content and the prose feels like a PS for UG admission.

Why do you want to run for public office? Do you have any experience in politics? This might be a better avenue to explore.

Carnac
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2012 9:27 pm

Re: Critiques please?

Postby Carnac » Mon Feb 18, 2013 11:34 pm

Thanks for the critiques. I'm throwing that one out and starting over fresh with something entirely different. That was my first draft of the first personal statement I've ever written. I will post a follow up that will be dramatically better.
Thank you for the help




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