Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

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cgjeon
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Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby cgjeon » Fri Feb 15, 2013 9:28 am

This should be an easy read for almost anyone.
I am willing to re-write if needed.
I just need many feedbacks, what to reinforce or what to take out etc...

Thanks you in advance!

A gentle touch from my mother woke me up from my sleep. “Your food is getting cold!” had been my mother’s usual morning call during my elementary years while living in my hometown of Daegu, South Korea. But it was different that day. As I pulled the blanket over my head, she sat down on the edge of my bed, brushing my hair with her hands as if she had something to tell me. I jutted out my right hand from the blanket and waved vigorously to indicate that I did not want breakfast. She calmly yet firmly held my hand. What she said to me that morning was, “Do you want to study in America?” Blindly leaning on my parents’ decisions, I replied, “Do you want me to?”

Walking down the street of apartments, I found a group of elementary school children and their parents waiting in a line. My guardian pointed and said, “That is the line for your school bus.” I froze for a second, not knowing what I was going to say to them. I did not want to be alone for my first day at an American school, so I mustered up my courage and approached a chubby, black-haired kid—a kid who shared the most in common with me. With my broken English I asked, “Hello, how are you?” He frowned and stepped closer to his mom. “Uh, what’s up?” he stammered in reply. What was up? The sky. Confused, I looked up and searched for something other than the sky. But when I looked down, the kid was already filing into the bus along with the others. Parents were waving goodbye to their children who had found their friends on the bus. I sat in an empty row, knowing my parents were not outside to wave bye to. I was uneasy knowing that they were not here next to me, but all the way across the Pacific Ocean sending money to my guardian, so that I could receive an American education. Partly out of jealousy, I asked myself, “What difference would there be if my parents were outside, waving at me right now?” I realized, thinking about something I could not change was a complete waste of time. I scanned my surroundings and found the chubby kid again. Grabbing my backpack, I rushed over to him and asked, “What did you mean by ‘What’s up?’” I didn’t know where the conversation was going before, and I didn’t like that. I no longer wanted to sit in the passenger seat of my life, but instead in the driver’s seat. My parents had driven my life the way they wanted to, but from then on I decided that they no longer had direct control of where my life was heading. I thought I could handle sitting in the driver’s seat, even at the young age of 13.

A rough but short detour of my life began on February 6, 2011. I was on my way to celebrate my 22nd birthday in downtown Los Angeles. I received a call from my friend on my way saying, “Don’t come out if you aren’t ready!” As excited as I was, I coolly replied, “Too late.” This was where it all started. My friends and I partied and drank as if there were no tomorrow. I had been legally drinking for a year, and I thought I could handle my alcohol. At 4 AM, after trying to sober up for a little bit, my friends and I stumbled out of the bar a friend slapped me on the back and asked, “You’re sober right?” “Yea man, I can handle this,” I replied, while smirking. The night--or the morning, I should say--ended with a round of happy birthday punches and handshakes.
I slipped into the driver’s seat and headed home. As soon as I entered the freeway, I loosened up: there was no traffic, no cars, and no one to pay attention to. It was just the five-lane road and me. Under my impaired judgment, I kept driving. I suddenly felt fatigued, and my grip slipped. I found my car drifting a little to the left, so I firmly gripped my wheel again, but two seconds later, I found myself drifting off again. As I opened the window for some fresh air, I saw a flickering of red and blue lights. Was I seeing things? I pulled over to the right-most lane, and waited. My mind went blank, and I thought to myself that this couldn’t be real. What happened next was the worst event of my life so far. I finally faced the dire consequences of irresponsibly taking the driver’s seat of my car and of my own life. In retrospect, that was exactly what I needed: a wakeup call.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Niccolo Machiavelli once wrote in his book, The Prince, these wise words: “One change always leaves the way prepared for the introduction of another.” As a young, ignorant child back in the days of my elementary school, I thought my judgments and choices were the only things that I should take into consideration.

After this incident, I have gotten closer with my lawyer. We talked about what made him the lawyer that he is today. He told me he felt most happy when he was appreciated by his clients for taking the client’s case as if it were his own.

I do not think this incident to be hindering my path of career. but from this foundation, I learned the hard way that to respect others’ choices by making the right choice of my own. I thank my lawyer for allowing me to see the world in a new perspective. As he has touched a life of an ignorant six grader, I want to make an even greater impact on someone else’s life. If my parents were to ask me if I wanted to be a lawyer, looking back at my elementary years and my undergraduate years, the answer is no longer “Do you want me to?” but instead “I want to be.”
Last edited by cgjeon on Fri Feb 15, 2013 7:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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AMilfordMan
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Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby AMilfordMan » Fri Feb 15, 2013 10:39 am

Coming to America, having to adapt to a new culture without your parents help, and deciding for yourself that you want to attend LS are good.

The transition in and out of the DUI are disconnected. That story is better suited for a C&F addendum.

The Machiavelli quote didn't relay any profound insight into your situation; it just seems like a nice quote from a smart guy that somewhat relates and was thrown in.

All that to say, I think you have an interesting and compelling story to work with. If you're willing to move the C&F issue to another essay and make your overcoming adversity story more cohesive, you're well on your way.

cgjeon
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Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 7:25 am

Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby cgjeon » Fri Feb 15, 2013 10:46 am

AMilfordMan wrote:Coming to America, having to adapt to a new culture without your parents help, and deciding for yourself that you want to attend LS are good.

The transition in and out of the DUI are disconnected. That story is better suited for a C&F addendum.

The Machiavelli quote didn't relay any profound insight into your situation; it just seems like a nice quote from a smart guy that somewhat relates and was thrown in.

All that to say, I think you have an interesting and compelling story to work with. If you're willing to move the C&F issue to another essay and make your overcoming adversity story more cohesive, you're well on your way.


Thank you AMilfordMan!

I will take you word into a consideration and try to revise my paper.
I will work on it and try to repost on this thread or a new one.

alex.feuerman
Posts: 147
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2012 2:32 pm

Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby alex.feuerman » Fri Feb 15, 2013 11:44 am

I like it.
But you repeat a sentence twisce at the end -
and my undergraduate years, the answer is no longer “Do you want me to?” but instead “I want to be.” Looking back at my younger years, I would have answered, “Do you want me to?” if my parents asked me if I wanted to become a lawyer. Now my answer is “I want to be.”
--
You should end it right at "I want to be." (the first time.)

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holdencaulfield
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Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby holdencaulfield » Fri Feb 15, 2013 6:22 pm

I really like this sentence:
I thought I could handle sitting in the driver’s seat, even at the young age of 13.


I would use the metaphor to connect the DUI part, something like "x years later I, learned that the driver's seat comes with consequences and responsibilities...perhaps I was not fully ready for it after all."

I don't like this sentence:
After this incident, I have gotten closer with my lawyer.
I would change it to something like "A lawyer helped me with this incident, and we have been close ever since."

I like this sentence also:
I do not think this incident to be hindering my path of career. but from this foundation
. Follow it with something about it teaching you how to take the drivers seat.

Hope that helps...

mls
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Joined: Mon Oct 01, 2012 2:32 pm

Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby mls » Fri Feb 15, 2013 6:23 pm

You take too long to get to the point. If I were on an admissions committee, I probably would have stopped reading after the first or second paragraph. Tighten it up!

cgjeon
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 7:25 am

Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby cgjeon » Fri Feb 15, 2013 7:49 pm

alex.feuerman wrote:I like it.
But you repeat a sentence twisce at the end -
and my undergraduate years, the answer is no longer “Do you want me to?” but instead “I want to be.” Looking back at my younger years, I would have answered, “Do you want me to?” if my parents asked me if I wanted to become a lawyer. Now my answer is “I want to be.”
--
You should end it right at "I want to be." (the first time.)


That would have been a crucial error on my ps. haha
Thank you, alex.feuerman

---------------------------
holdencaulfield wrote:I really like this sentence:
I thought I could handle sitting in the driver’s seat, even at the young age of 13.


I would use the metaphor to connect the DUI part, something like "x years later I, learned that the driver's seat comes with consequences and responsibilities...perhaps I was not fully ready for it after all."

I don't like this sentence:
After this incident, I have gotten closer with my lawyer.
I would change it to something like "A lawyer helped me with this incident, and we have been close ever since."

I like this sentence also:
I do not think this incident to be hindering my path of career. but from this foundation
. Follow it with something about it teaching you how to take the drivers seat.

Hope that helps...


Thank you holdencaulfield.

excellent idea!
I don't know why i didn't think about using a metaphor to connect the dui part.

--------------------------------------

mls wrote:You take too long to get to the point. If I were on an admissions committee, I probably would have stopped reading after the first or second paragraph. Tighten it up!


Thanks mls,

I had the same concern.
I thought however, two first paragraphs are the backgrounds for main idea of an essay.
Do you still think it drags on too much?
What would you delete and add if you were me?

cgjeon
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 7:25 am

Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby cgjeon » Fri Feb 15, 2013 8:37 pm

Any more feedbacks?
These are all great. I am in the process of revising my PS and I would love more criticisms.
Thank you guys for great help!

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jselson
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Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby jselson » Fri Feb 15, 2013 11:31 pm

For me, it seems to be covering too many different things. If I were an adcomm, I'd want to know who you are right now, and I don't have much of a sense of that. That doesn't mean you can't talk about the past, but it should illuminate in-depth a major aspect of who you are.

Personally, I'd drop the DUI stuff and whatnot, condense the first two paragraphs, and add something that's basically a similar situation of you "overcoming" adversity because of prejudice or something but that occurred more recently and reveals not just that you have a drive to succeed but how you actually implemented and used that drive.

XLogic
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Joined: Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:22 am

Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby XLogic » Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:35 am

I agree with jselson.

Pick a topic/theme and let it permeate your entire essay. You writing is really top notch. The essay reads like a novel, but it lacks a thesis.

It's like potentially great music without a hook. Give it a main theme and your great writing will shine through.

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holdencaulfield
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Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby holdencaulfield » Sat Feb 16, 2013 3:50 pm

I think the DUI part is important bc it seems to be where OP's desire to be a lawyer came from.

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AMilfordMan
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Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby AMilfordMan » Sat Feb 16, 2013 6:41 pm

holdencaulfield wrote:I think the DUI part is important bc it seems to be where OP's desire to be a lawyer came from.


It's an excellent way to turn a C&F issue into a positive. It it's just too disconnected from the first overcoming adversity aspect.

I see them as two great opportunities or one disconnected story.

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fltanglab
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Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby fltanglab » Sat Feb 16, 2013 6:47 pm

AMilfordMan wrote:
holdencaulfield wrote:I think the DUI part is important bc it seems to be where OP's desire to be a lawyer came from.


It's an excellent way to turn a C&F issue into a positive. It it's just too disconnected from the first overcoming adversity aspect.

I see them as two great opportunities or one disconnected story.


Completely agree with this. There needs to be something to tie it all together and I'm really not getting that.

cgjeon
Posts: 36
Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 7:25 am

Re: Just got done with my PS, Please take a look. Easy read.

Postby cgjeon » Sat Feb 16, 2013 8:25 pm

fltanglab wrote:
AMilfordMan wrote:
holdencaulfield wrote:I think the DUI part is important bc it seems to be where OP's desire to be a lawyer came from.


It's an excellent way to turn a C&F issue into a positive. It it's just too disconnected from the first overcoming adversity aspect.

I see them as two great opportunities or one disconnected story.


Completely agree with this. There needs to be something to tie it all together and I'm really not getting that.


I think this is where i am going to stick with.
Thank you guys,
I will try to connect these stories a bit more.
I think i will repost after i revise.
thanks for the great help!




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