Your thoughts are welcome.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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TheJanitor6203
Posts: 811
Joined: Sun Nov 04, 2012 5:12 pm

Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby TheJanitor6203 » Wed Feb 13, 2013 10:57 am

Deleted
Last edited by TheJanitor6203 on Thu Aug 29, 2013 1:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

totoro
Posts: 153
Joined: Sat Oct 13, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby totoro » Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:49 pm

Great job with this essay. The prose is simple and emotionally captivating enough to make it an easy read. My only feedback is that if you are nearing the high end of the word count limits, you can probably cut out a couple sentences in paragraph 4-5 where it starts to get a little redundant. Otherwise very solid PS.

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paratactical
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Re: Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby paratactical » Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:58 pm

The prose isn't bad, but your grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure is a mess.

ie, first paragraph corrected:

As we pulled up to the hanger, I could feel a lump swelling up in my throat. I knew what I was about to do and I could not stand the thought of it. I found an empty parking spot, pulled in, placed the transmission into park and sat there looking straight ahead. I knew once I got out of the car I was accepting my fate, something which I was not ready to do yet. I did not want to look over at my wife because my eyes were filling up with tears. I hate it when she sees me crying. This is not because it makes me feel weak or less masculine, but because I am supposed to be her rock. Rocks don’t cry. After a minute, my four-year-old son, oldest of the two, asked me from the backseat, “Can I get out now?” He did not understand the significance of what is about to happen. All he knew was that he got to go on a ride to drop Daddy off at work. He did not remember the last time he dropped Daddy off at work two years earlier. My youngest son slept in the backseat.

EDIT: You also are really really bad at staying in a single tense. It seems like you just wrote this as a post on TLS and did not look over it at all.
Last edited by paratactical on Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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laxbrah420
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Re: Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:59 pm

Do you mean to say hangar?

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laxbrah420
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Re: Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby laxbrah420 » Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:02 pm

Also why are you changing tenses from as we pulled up to the hanger [sic] to your kid presently talking? Also, what does placing your transmission into park mean?

Big Dog
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Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:34 pm

Re: Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby Big Dog » Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:09 pm

I really like how this goes. My only comment would be to have more show and less tell in the back half. In the first half, which is more show, you have us in the moment with you; the emotions are flowing. In the back half, you quickly change your writing and to and start to tell us about what you learned in the service. Perhaps an example or two of leadership is needed. Or an example as a friend, or mentor -- all of which are valuable skills in LS.

Good luck, and thank YOU for serving.

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Jsa725
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Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:20 pm

Re: Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby Jsa725 » Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:16 pm

.
Last edited by Jsa725 on Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

150s_or_bust
Posts: 45
Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:52 pm

Re: Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby 150s_or_bust » Tue Mar 19, 2013 2:52 pm

I know I'm late but DAMN! Good read :o

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Balthy
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Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Your thoughts are welcome.

Postby Balthy » Tue Mar 19, 2013 2:59 pm

The rocks don't cry bit.. just.. just please take it out.




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