Critique please! To be submitted soon ....

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 1:08 am

Critique please! To be submitted soon ....

Postby JD2013PhD » Sat Feb 02, 2013 1:11 am

... deleted ....

thanks for your help!
Last edited by JD2013PhD on Tue Feb 05, 2013 9:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2012 7:04 pm

Re: Critique please! To be submitted soon ....

Postby jmsae » Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:25 am

please double check what I say, been up all night ;b

Humbly, I might make these changes...

Paragraph 1, sentence 3: nor instead of or

P1, S4: wouldn't your back gently push into your seat from the acceleration rather than vice versa? maybe i'm over thinking

P2, S1: The way you say you "looked back to your childhood" does not roll off the tongue well. I'd maybe try "While... ocean, I could not help but reminisce as I peered out the window." or variation thereof, I think you get where I am goin'.

P2, S2: I'd consider turning that into more than one sentence.

P2, S5: I feel like ending on "...and that I had to be brave in order to take on the challenges ahead." sounds much more confident.

P3, S3: I'd use a different word than "looming"

P3, S4: Check your tense or clarify, paragraph as a whole kinda.

and the way people speak in this country. = "linguistic nuances" is a way to say this with brevity.
I think you can strengthen the conclusion of p3 much more. you totally kicked ass by being the only one to qualify!

"I feel embarrassed in my department" doesn't make the best sense, remove or fix

"I could not sleep well and lost 15 pounds of body weight in the two months. When I met with my committee again, they were satisfied with my new thesis." sounds like a whole lot of negative to me. you just worked your ass off and they were merely, satisfied... no way! spin this in a more positive way. For ex, even though the work was having a toll on my body I knew I had to stay disciplined (or whatever). And they were proud of your new thesis or something better than satisfied.

I like P5, I think it is good you talk about why you actually want to go to law school and where your interest lies. Maybe add a solid conclusion to this paragraph summing up why really want to go into law in a succinct fashion.

Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 1:08 am

Re: Critique please! To be submitted soon ....

Postby JD2013PhD » Mon Feb 04, 2013 6:26 pm

Thank you jmsae! I appreciate your feedback and will incorporate them.

I think I want to delete my first post content in 12 hours if I don't see more replies. Thank you!

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