Diversity Statement - please critique!

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dnptan
Posts: 354
Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:33 pm

Diversity Statement - please critique!

Postby dnptan » Wed Jan 30, 2013 6:29 pm

Hey all, please let me know what you think. It's a bit long (605 words) but I hope that's fine. edit: made it pictures, coz otherwise it's too much of a pain to read.

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Last edited by dnptan on Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

potted plant
Posts: 96
Joined: Tue Jan 08, 2013 8:01 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - please critique!

Postby potted plant » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:11 pm

1st paragraph: I believe the quote should say "fresh off the boat."

2nd paragraph: Suddenly I'm very confused. Freshman year of what? College? Is this someone at BU? or is this someone you knew from home, make this clearer. Again, sophomore year of what? you need to be much clearer with the timeline here and where these things are happening. Were you in the typhoon? or was this something people you knew were dealing with back home?

3rd paragraph: I'm guessing that CJ is your friend who died of dengue, but you haven't called him by name before, so you need to introduce him better to make it clear. I don't like your use of passive voice here. "The passing of CJ led to a student-run campaign to eradicate mosquito breeding pits." Were you involved in this? Did you run this? Make it clearer. You have the same problem with the rest of the paragraph.

4th paragraph: Now it seems like these are all things that happened in high school, yes? This wasn't obvious above. The rest of this paragraph is too philosophical without any clear point. You're saying a lot of general things that I can't clearly connect to what you've been talking about. Either connect them better to the rest of the essay or get rid of them.

5th paragraph: You're saying a lot of positive things about yourself here but without any clear evidence. I assume this is meant to connect to what you talked about above, but you discussed everything in the passive voice and it wasn't clear what involvement you had in those situations. Also, this paragraph has a bit too much of the random-seeming flowery platitude-like language you used in the last paragraph.

6th paragraph: Again, the phrase is "fresh off the boat." Also, the word "refuge" should be "refugee." In this paragraph you're talking about being an explorer in the U.S., but you're only talked about things you did in high school. You need to bring it forward in time a bit more. How did you go from the "fresh off the boat" kid to the one who is often mistaken for being American? You haven't addressed this. How has your background influenced you in concrete ways since coming to the United States?

Overall, I think you got a bit caught up in the writing style and lost some important structure.

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dnptan
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Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:33 pm

Re: Diversity Statement - please critique!

Postby dnptan » Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:21 pm

Thanks for the critique. Updated!




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