Mods - please delete

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:15 pm

Mods - please delete

Postby Lawhelpneeded2013 » Wed Jan 30, 2013 2:25 pm

Thank you....
Last edited by Lawhelpneeded2013 on Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Posts: 41
Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:04 pm

Re: Submitting Tonight - need help cutting two lines please!

Postby delizabeth10 » Wed Jan 30, 2013 4:32 pm

I really enjoyed reading your statement. It's an amazing story.

Just wanted to point out a grammatical inconsistency in your first paragraph-- you said "people who" in one sentence and began the next sentence with "people that."

I would also adjust this part "Fortunately, I began to be empowered" to something less passive (and you also say "began" again a little later in the sentence). You should own the empowering and show you empowered yourself, rather than wording it in a way that suggests the empowering happened to you.

I think you can cut down by simplifying some sentences rather than taking them completely out:
On one occasion I witnessed my employer
After months of developing, the software company released an unlicensed version for the large corporation to try andevaluate. Insteadof evaluating the software, the largecorporation decided to distribute the unlicensed version to all plants that used similar welding techniques and elected not to purchase a licensed version without purchasing the licensed one.

If an additional cut needs to be made, I would consider eliminating just one of the examples of how you had "lost every ounce of control"-- they're all powerful lines, but may be less necessary to your message than others.

Really great, though- I hope you're accepted wherever you apply.

Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2012 4:15 pm

Mods - Please delete

Postby Lawhelpneeded2013 » Wed Jan 30, 2013 5:07 pm

Thank you

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