Please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2012 11:37 pm

Please critique

Postby bkrandy » Wed Jan 30, 2013 5:29 am

Last edited by bkrandy on Wed Jan 30, 2013 1:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Posts: 121
Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2011 6:49 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby vman21 » Wed Jan 30, 2013 5:51 am

Last edited by vman21 on Sat Feb 09, 2013 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2012 11:37 pm

Re: Please critique

Postby bkrandy » Wed Jan 30, 2013 1:58 pm

vman21 wrote:It is a good starting point.

I am going to be blunt with you though -- there are several pitfalls I think you are falling in to. Starting with your diversity statement, you spend 3/4ths of it talking about the bubbling, and only a tiny portion talking about how it has really impacted your life/perspective, etc.

It sounds a little superficial -- try to dig deeper and really share something that couldn't be written by ANYONE else. Referencing LSAC and so forth is also something you should avoid (and you should not reference the LSAT in your main essay either).

Ask yourself if anyone else could have written the diversity statement -- you share dances, cultural celebrations, etc.? OK, that is fine, but millions of people who are multiethnic probably have the same experience. What distinguishes you? How has it specifically impacted your life? Get deep, get more thoughtful.

As for your main essay -- I think you are taking it too literally. Almost step-by-stepping your way through your life, from background to education to experience to deciding to apply to applying.

Think of it more as writing a story, not a piece of explanatory work. A coherent story, to be sure, but a story nonetheless.

Again, try not to be so literal -- show, don't tell, what has happened in your life. You should not just say First this happened, then this happened, and then this happened...

Avoid cliches. I am sure you are being very heartfelt about what happened to your cousin, but using the death of a relative as a turning point / moment where you started getting serious is a very overused tactic on personal statements (sorry for being blunt).

Try to avoid that, and get deeper into how you think, things you have learned in life, and what your perspective is. Avoid statements like this "I do not want to stop until I know I have pushed my limits to its absolute peak and have achieved all that is possible." Also: "The time I spent with the kids was fulfilling and seeing their smiles when I went to visit is indescribable."

Anybody could write that. It is very generic. Make statements like these more personal. "My experience doing X has made me want to keep going until I achieve Y, because of Z." Talk about a specific kid you met, or a specific lesson you learned...tell a more convincing, detailed story.

Don't call being a lawyer eccentric.

Good luck

I appreciate your comments more than the amount I can show with this post. Thank you.

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