Please help - Personal Statement (Adversity Statement)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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luuma
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2011 2:04 am

Please help - Personal Statement (Adversity Statement)

Postby luuma » Tue Jan 29, 2013 4:08 pm

Thank you!
Last edited by luuma on Sat Feb 23, 2013 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

eerie_erie
Posts: 174
Joined: Thu Dec 27, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Please help - Personal Statement (Adversity Statement)

Postby eerie_erie » Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:35 am

Oh hey, your experience is very meaningful. Just a few comments. I want you to introduce your theme of helping serve (and also empower?) under-resourced communities up front in your essay. That will put the reader in the frame of mind that you want them to be in. Also, try to connect this personal experience to some skills that you've acquired and why this would make you a successful attorney. Finally, maybe take out a few details here and there--just save the most compelling ones for the statement. This will help your statement be more concise. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

totoro
Posts: 153
Joined: Sat Oct 13, 2012 7:55 pm

Re: Please help - Personal Statement (Adversity Statement)

Postby totoro » Wed Feb 06, 2013 11:40 am

You have a very good story here. Your prose is very direct and quick paced, and for the most part you aren't mincing any words. Sorry I do not have more concrete feedback, just wanted to tell you that its pretty good already.

XLogic
Posts: 34
Joined: Sat Feb 16, 2013 2:22 am

Re: Please help - Personal Statement (Adversity Statement)

Postby XLogic » Sat Feb 16, 2013 4:05 am

You are like a super hero! Did you really go through all that? Good for you for taking life by the "you-know-what".

I like the essay. It is clear, concise and to the point. You are a "go-getter" and it clearly shows in your short essay.

If I was being anal, then I would pick on this sentence "As a single mother, I know she did the very best she could to raise her children". It threw me off the first time I read it because I thought you were trying to refer to yourself as the "single mother".

May just be my silliness, but the sentence could probably be improved.

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jselson
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Joined: Sat Jan 05, 2013 3:51 am

Re: Please help - Personal Statement (Adversity Statement)

Postby jselson » Sat Feb 16, 2013 1:50 pm

XLogic wrote:If I was being anal, then I would pick on this sentence "As a single mother, I know she did the very best she could to raise her children". It threw me off the first time I read it because I thought you were trying to refer to yourself as the "single mother".


It's not being anal, it's a misplaced modifier, and it's incorrect. Just take out "I know" OP.

Great story, less-than-stellar writing, especially the first paragraph, which reads like a college essay thesis, and which has about 10 synonyms for "overcome adversity" within 3 sentences. (We get it.) The showing stuff is great, the telling stuff (especially the intro), less so.




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