nvm

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273479
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

nvm

Postby Anonymous User » Mon Jan 21, 2013 6:24 am

- thank you... decided to scrap this ps and draft a new one
Last edited by Anonymous User on Wed Jan 23, 2013 4:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.

cgw
Posts: 134
Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:06 pm

Re: 700 word PS, please take a look at it

Postby cgw » Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:39 pm

Anonymous User wrote:I would appreciate any feedback, especially on the conclusion... it looks somewhat loose and I would like to tighten it up

TL;DR: I led the largest sports club in my university and realized what kind of influence that I can have on people. I am better able to appreciate how important legal assistance is, and I would like to receive education to lead my ethnic community.


I had a vision as my xxx team filled the first-place trophy that we won in an inter-university tournament and took turns drinking out of it. Victory tasted good; the club hasd never won a tournament before, but the club washad not been in a good shape. Its budget was dwindling, and the club was taken off probation a year ago for running in the black. [I don't understand this sentence, the budget was dwindling and it was financially sound? Maybe you want to use "but" here. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey.] It was small, so we were assigned to a rat-hole sized gym for practices. What frustrated me the most was that xxx felt like a hobby here, as opposed to a competitive sport. My vision was to transform this club into a perennial winner that was respected throughout Canada, and the change had to start with new members.

As a lifelong xxx practitioner, I wanted to convey how great it is to prospective members, and help them become great players. Finding those talented individuals and cultivating them was so important because they were the ones who were going to compete on behalf of the club in the future and mentor the next generation of new members. During my tenure, a lot was accomplished, and the club became the largest sports club in the university. But I was also tested.

One of the issues that I wanted to address was the club’s long-standing way of allocating its budget. Even though the majority of the budget was generated from new membership fees, most of it was allocated to cover the costs that the senior members incurred which included transportation and room and board for all tournaments. As a senior member that competed in tournaments last year, I didn’t mind the benefits. However, by teaching new members and interacting with them, I thought about how they would feel if they found out about this. If I was a new member that paid $2xx for an annual membership as opposed $1xx that senior members paid, I would expect to receive greater benefit than them. Otherwise, I would be furious, feel betrayed by the club, and generate a negative stereotype towardsperception of it.

I could have decreased the financial support for senior members, but this was unacceptable as the cost allocation was a symbol of respect towards them for helping new members discover xxx and win tournaments on behalf of the club and its members. This was also a disrespectful gesture to the instructors who voluntarily trained senior members for tournaments.
[Why would it be disrespectful to volunteer instructors? You still haven't told us what you did do to resolve this issue.]

Besides these cultural factors, [what cultural factors? you just talked about money.] it was paramount for the club to win. It was the quickest way to gain sponsorships, which would put less stress on the budget. It was also important to win to gain lobbying power towardswith the university sports administration. Because the club had so much success last year, and because we were able to recruit a larger number of members, we were able to demand better practice times and facilities; we no longer practiced in a dump from 10:30 pm to midnight. This system was designed for the greater good of the club, and while I recognized that this was unfair for the new members, I made the difficult decision to leave this issue alone and hope that when the club grows enough, this problem can be addressed more easily in the future. Thankfully, the executive members that I worked with took turns leading the club for the next few years and this issue has been resolved. [How was it unfair to new members? Why do we need to know anything about this issue if you didn't play any role in its resolution?]

As I interacted with members from a privileged position, and as I put myself in the shoes of new members, senior members, and instructors, I gained more perspectives, and I felt more responsibility towards everyone. I also realized that leading is a privilege and that I can makehave a huge influence in a community. My experience reminded me of Mr. xxx, who is probably the most recognizable lawyer in the xxx xxx community, and his assistance for my family. I gained appreciation for it; without his help, my family may not have been able to find stability when we immigrated to Canada, and we might not have found happiness. I would like to attend law school to receive the tools necessary to represent my ethnic community and have a chance to provide legal assistance for those that may not find it accessible because of cultural or language barriers. As a student, I would like to offer a new perspective of legal accessibility and its importance for helping individuals strive in a different part of the world.


Your conclusion doesn't have much to do with the rest of the essay. If you are interested in immigration law and/or providing legal assistance to a certain ethnic community, I would open your essay with this desire to help your community, use your experience leading your sport club to demonstrate the skills you've developed that will aid you in this pursuit, and then conclude with why law school is essential to your plan.

However, I think your description of your college sport experience needs a lot of work. It's confusing. You skip around in your timeline a lot (I think anyway) and its hard to follow what happened and when. I also don't really get a sense of what you did or why it was significant. You pose some problems and then don't show any solutions, just an okay outcome (not even a great one). After reading it, I am left with so many questions. I have no idea how your budget allocation issues were solved, how you raised more funds, how you increased your membership, how you increased your performance, or how you managed to lobby for better conditions. What did you actually do?

Anonymous User
Posts: 273479
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: 700 word PS, please take a look at it

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jan 22, 2013 2:15 am

cgw wrote:
Anonymous User wrote:I would appreciate any feedback, especially on the conclusion... it looks somewhat loose and I would like to tighten it up

TL;DR: I led the largest sports club in my university and realized what kind of influence that I can have on people. I am better able to appreciate how important legal assistance is, and I would like to receive education to lead my ethnic community.


I had a vision as my xxx team filled the first-place trophy that we won in an inter-university tournament and took turns drinking out of it. Victory tasted good; the club hasd never won a tournament before, but the club washad not been in a good shape. Its budget was dwindling, and the club was taken off probation a year ago for running in the black. [I don't understand this sentence, the budget was dwindling and it was financially sound? Maybe you want to use "but" here. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey.] It was small, so we were assigned to a rat-hole sized gym for practices. What frustrated me the most was that xxx felt like a hobby here, as opposed to a competitive sport. My vision was to transform this club into a perennial winner that was respected throughout Canada, and the change had to start with new members.

As a lifelong xxx practitioner, I wanted to convey how great it is to prospective members, and help them become great players. Finding those talented individuals and cultivating them was so important because they were the ones who were going to compete on behalf of the club in the future and mentor the next generation of new members. During my tenure, a lot was accomplished, and the club became the largest sports club in the university. But I was also tested.

One of the issues that I wanted to address was the club’s long-standing way of allocating its budget. Even though the majority of the budget was generated from new membership fees, most of it was allocated to cover the costs that the senior members incurred which included transportation and room and board for all tournaments. As a senior member that competed in tournaments last year, I didn’t mind the benefits. However, by teaching new members and interacting with them, I thought about how they would feel if they found out about this. If I was a new member that paid $2xx for an annual membership as opposed $1xx that senior members paid, I would expect to receive greater benefit than them. Otherwise, I would be furious, feel betrayed by the club, and generate a negative stereotype towardsperception of it.

I could have decreased the financial support for senior members, but this was unacceptable as the cost allocation was a symbol of respect towards them for helping new members discover xxx and win tournaments on behalf of the club and its members. This was also a disrespectful gesture to the instructors who voluntarily trained senior members for tournaments.
[Why would it be disrespectful to volunteer instructors? You still haven't told us what you did do to resolve this issue.]

Besides these cultural factors, [what cultural factors? you just talked about money.] it was paramount for the club to win. It was the quickest way to gain sponsorships, which would put less stress on the budget. It was also important to win to gain lobbying power towardswith the university sports administration. Because the club had so much success last year, and because we were able to recruit a larger number of members, we were able to demand better practice times and facilities; we no longer practiced in a dump from 10:30 pm to midnight. This system was designed for the greater good of the club, and while I recognized that this was unfair for the new members, I made the difficult decision to leave this issue alone and hope that when the club grows enough, this problem can be addressed more easily in the future. Thankfully, the executive members that I worked with took turns leading the club for the next few years and this issue has been resolved. [How was it unfair to new members? Why do we need to know anything about this issue if you didn't play any role in its resolution?]

As I interacted with members from a privileged position, and as I put myself in the shoes of new members, senior members, and instructors, I gained more perspectives, and I felt more responsibility towards everyone. I also realized that leading is a privilege and that I can makehave a huge influence in a community. My experience reminded me of Mr. xxx, who is probably the most recognizable lawyer in the xxx xxx community, and his assistance for my family. I gained appreciation for it; without his help, my family may not have been able to find stability when we immigrated to Canada, and we might not have found happiness. I would like to attend law school to receive the tools necessary to represent my ethnic community and have a chance to provide legal assistance for those that may not find it accessible because of cultural or language barriers. As a student, I would like to offer a new perspective of legal accessibility and its importance for helping individuals strive in a different part of the world.


Your conclusion doesn't have much to do with the rest of the essay. If you are interested in immigration law and/or providing legal assistance to a certain ethnic community, I would open your essay with this desire to help your community, use your experience leading your sport club to demonstrate the skills you've developed that will aid you in this pursuit, and then conclude with why law school is essential to your plan.

However, I think your description of your college sport experience needs a lot of work. It's confusing. You skip around in your timeline a lot (I think anyway) and its hard to follow what happened and when. I also don't really get a sense of what you did or why it was significant. You pose some problems and then don't show any solutions, just an okay outcome (not even a great one). After reading it, I am left with so many questions. I have no idea how your budget allocation issues were solved, how you raised more funds, how you increased your membership, how you increased your performance, or how you managed to lobby for better conditions. What did you actually do?


Should I focus on what I actually accomplished instead of talking about a problem that I could not solve?

I focused on my limitations because I wanted to convey that I can think about a problem in different perspectives and that ... I'm not a "superhuman".

I mean, I could talk about how I lobbied for better conditions and what not, but I didn't want to write a PS that only listed my accomplishments... I would need more than 700 words to be honest... and I don't think I want to repeat what's on my resume.

Anyhow it sounds like I need to work on my college experience.

cgw
Posts: 134
Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:06 pm

Re: 700 word PS, please take a look at it

Postby cgw » Tue Jan 22, 2013 1:49 pm

Should I focus on what I actually accomplished instead of talking about a problem that I could not solve?

I focused on my limitations because I wanted to convey that I can think about a problem in different perspectives and that ... I'm not a "superhuman".

I mean, I could talk about how I lobbied for better conditions and what not, but I didn't want to write a PS that only listed my accomplishments... I would need more than 700 words to be honest... and I don't think I want to repeat what's on my resume.

Anyhow it sounds like I need to work on my college experience.


Absolutely focus on your accomplishments, that's the whole point. The PS gives you an opportunity to expand on an experience or accomplishment in order to demonstrate your skills and character. You can convey your ability to identify with different perspectives and still show yourself as successful. There's no point in mentioning limitations unless you plan to show how you overcame them. As it is now, it just kind of reads like "these people thought A and these other people thought B and While I understand why they thought differently, I didn't do anything about it."

They know you're not superhuman, you don't need to convince them of that. You need to convince them you're a good candidate for law school.




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