Help with my personal statement! Please!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Kenneth417
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri Nov 23, 2012 4:27 pm

Help with my personal statement! Please!!

Postby Kenneth417 » Sat Jan 19, 2013 11:23 am

This is my rough draft and I was hoping some of you can help me. Thank you so much!!

Being awakened by my devastated older sister in the early morning hours of Mother’s Day in 2001, represents the start to a day which has had an everlasting effect on my overall outlook on life. Dating back to the earliest stages of my young existence, all I can recall is that my father was one of the world’s countless numbers of individuals who chose to enter a excruciating battle with the world’s most horrifying drug of alcohol. While being a child I remember witnessing him stumbling into the kitchen, latching his hand around the handle of Vodka or Rum, tilt his head back, and then proceeding to consume as much alcohol as he possibly could in a single instance. Being a toddler and not fully understanding what was actually taking place before my eyes, I gathered up enough wisdom and asked my father “What are you doing Dad?” My father turned to me and said “It’s a man thing.” I didn’t fully comprehend what he meant by those four simple words, so I plopped my little body back in front of the television set without further examining the meaning behind that statement. Days turned into months and months turned into years and my father was still drinking excessive amounts of alcohol on an everyday basis. Every night I prayed to God in hopes for him to gain the strength needed to overcome this horrifying addiction and in 2001 on Mother’s Day, my father’s life unexpectedly changed forever.
I was in the middle of a deep sleep, like every other little 10 year old boy across the country was experiencing, until my big sister swung open my door, launched herself onto my bed and hollered “Kenny get up!” I kicked my nickelodeon blankets onto the floor, shot out of my bed and then sprinted to the living room. The next thing I saw was my grandfather, who had his arms locked underneath my father’s motionless body, dragging my father out of the bedroom towards the front door of our home. I did not understand what was taking place before me so I asked my mother “Where is Poppy taking Dad?” My mother sadly glanced at me, with a tear running down her cheek and replied “Poppy is taking Daddy to the hospital to get the help he needs Kenny.” After hearing those encouraging words come from my mother I had a supreme feeling of relief shoot through my body like a bolt of electricity. I kept telling myself if anyone can conquer the dependence of alcohol, it could only be the man who brought me into this world. After an extended period of time at the hospital, my father was then admitted to a rehabilitation center where he then went on to complete six months of therapy. After completing the six months of rehabilitation, my father returned home to myself and the rest of our family to live a normal life alongside his wife, his two children and a countless number of other supportive relatives.
My father has been sober since his return home in the Fall of 2001 and till this day he still fights his battle with alcoholism without any intentions of throwing in the towel. Witnessing the daily strain my father encompassed during the most strenuous time in his life brought something exceptionally significant to my attention. I noticed that no matter how difficult or complex something may seem, with hard work and truly holding the belief that you can succeed, anything is surmountable. I exploit this outlook on life during every daunting situation in which I find myself in and it has never resulted me falling short of my aspirations. Having watched the man, who has provided me with the necessary fundamentals needed to make my lifelong dream of becoming a lawyer a reality, defeat his extensive battle with alcoholism, is precisely the way I plan on attacking the difficulties that I will come across during the challenging path of becoming a lawyer.
Helping my father through this terrifying instance also opened my eyes to the fact that so many other people who are currently subsiding in various parts of the world are in definite need of assistance one way or another. That is the backbone of my desire to attend law school. If given this life changing opportunity, I will then hold the ability to aid and alleviate many of the problems that our fellow citizens are facing at this moment in time. Lending a helping hand to the people in need, while utilizing our nation’s laws during course of this action, is the engine to my motivation for success. Supporting my father through his extensive fight with alcoholism has lead me to this belief and I will never alter this conviction in any such way, shape or form.
Having the opportunity of being a child and witnessing this type of hard fought encounter my father experienced with alcohol has affected me on more levels than one. It has resulted in me becoming the strong, resilient, and devoted human-being that I currently am today. The challenges of law school will be incredibly different from the obstacles my father faced while defeating his war with alcoholism, but the approach in which I will have to utilize will be overwhelmingly similar. My father told me on a number of occasions that God has provided me with a gift and now I know exactly what this gift he always referred to is. To use every ounce of strength in which I hold to assist the human-beings of this world who are in need of assistance. My ambitions of becoming an individual who holds the ability to practice United States Law will always be respected. The role I played and still play today, in the struggle my father had and will always have with alcoholism, has given me the focal essentials required to accomplish any mission that I have to complete, especially the one that I am currently facing right now, which gaining admission to your highly respected institution.

cgw
Posts: 134
Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:06 pm

Re: Help with my personal statement! Please!!

Postby cgw » Sun Jan 20, 2013 2:24 am

The majority of your PS is about your father, which is a problem. It needs to be more about you. The dramatics you utilize in your essay don't really tell us anything about you or even much about how they effected you in any significant way as a child. At the end you mention ways in which your father's battle with alcoholism has influenced your personality/character, but you do not demonstrate these characteristics. You need to show examples of them in your life.

You write:
Kenneth417 wrote:"Helping my father through this terrifying instance also opened my eyes to the fact that so many other people who are currently subsiding in various parts of the world are in definite need of assistance one way or another."

How did you help your father? Nothing in your essay suggests you played any proactive role in his rehab.

You also fall into passive voice a lot and have some odd vocabulary choices. Just a few examples:

Kenneth417 wrote:Witnessing the daily strain my father encompassed during the most strenuous time in his life brought something exceptionally significant to my attention.

I'm not sure a person can "encompass" strain. He can be encompassed by strain, metaphorically, maybe.

Kenneth417 wrote:I exploit this outlook on life during every daunting situation in which I find myself in and it has never resulted me falling short of my aspirations.

Exploit generally has a negative connotation. To use something or someone selfishly for personal gain.

Kenneth417 wrote:Helping my father through this terrifying instance also opened my eyes to the fact that so many other people who are currently subsiding in various parts of the world are in definite need of assistance one way or another.

Subside means to become less, abate. Perhaps, "living" or "residing" would work better here than "subsiding."

I would point out grammar issues, but I think you need to do a pretty significant content overhaul first. Good luck!

Kenneth417
Posts: 27
Joined: Fri Nov 23, 2012 4:27 pm

Re: Help with my personal statement! Please!!

Postby Kenneth417 » Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:42 am

Thank you so much for your advice! You made some great points. I am going to take everything you considered when revising my personal statement! Ill repost my updated PS. Thanks again!




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