Someone want to critique my PS? Updated. Much Obliged

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
shep33
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:53 pm

Someone want to critique my PS? Updated. Much Obliged

Postby shep33 » Wed Jan 16, 2013 11:24 pm

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Last edited by shep33 on Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

albanach
Posts: 1011
Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:05 pm

Re: Someone want to critique my PS? Updated. Much Obliged

Postby albanach » Wed Jan 16, 2013 11:31 pm

It's a good start.

Your first para doesn't seem to conclude well. It leads into a second paragraph that is backwards chronologically and we don't get a resolution.

Try and make it a bit shorter on the more mundane stuff. I think we understand that if you work in a motel you're familiar with cleaning. That keeps the punchier stuff to the fore.

Don't use I've in a PS. This is formal writing.

shep33
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:53 pm

Re: Someone want to critique my PS? Updated. Much Obliged

Postby shep33 » Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:26 am

Thanks man!




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