Long PS 1100 words okay? gory story? Forum
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soontobelawschooler
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:21 pm
Long PS 1100 words okay? gory story?
Thanks.
Last edited by soontobelawschooler on Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:17 pm, edited 6 times in total.
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rinkrat19
- Posts: 13922
- Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am
Re: Long PS 1100 words okay? gory story?
It's still 3 1/2 pages long.
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cgw
- Posts: 135
- Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:06 pm
Re: Long PS 1100 words okay? gory story?
This is much improved from your previous version. Your allusions to division and yourself as a bridge lend some cohesion to the disparate elements. It's definitely too long. I would cut the personal experience with botox. I don't think it adds anything that your other examples don't already add.
So, I read your encounter with Michelle as pure chance? Is that right? I think it would be better if you made it explicit. And if that's not right, correct that assumption.
I also don't think the trade firm adds a whole lot, as is, and you could feasibly cut that paragraph and zero in on (what I am assuming) is your volunteer experience helping non-Korean speakers navigate their medical disputes.
If I recall correctly from your previous essay, you immigrated with your mother while your father remained in Korea; I think that is an important point to convey here because it emphasizes the divide that you experienced culturally. Its not clear in this version that your father remained in Korea.
Also, contractions. Eliminate them.
So, I read your encounter with Michelle as pure chance? Is that right? I think it would be better if you made it explicit. And if that's not right, correct that assumption.
I also don't think the trade firm adds a whole lot, as is, and you could feasibly cut that paragraph and zero in on (what I am assuming) is your volunteer experience helping non-Korean speakers navigate their medical disputes.
If I recall correctly from your previous essay, you immigrated with your mother while your father remained in Korea; I think that is an important point to convey here because it emphasizes the divide that you experienced culturally. Its not clear in this version that your father remained in Korea.
Also, contractions. Eliminate them.
