Long PS 1100 words okay? gory story?

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soontobelawschooler
Posts: 30
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:21 pm

Long PS 1100 words okay? gory story?

Postby soontobelawschooler » Wed Jan 16, 2013 5:19 pm

Thanks.
Last edited by soontobelawschooler on Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:17 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13918
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Long PS 1100 words okay? gory story?

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Jan 16, 2013 5:21 pm

It's still 3 1/2 pages long.

cgw
Posts: 134
Joined: Wed Mar 21, 2012 11:06 pm

Re: Long PS 1100 words okay? gory story?

Postby cgw » Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:40 am

This is much improved from your previous version. Your allusions to division and yourself as a bridge lend some cohesion to the disparate elements. It's definitely too long. I would cut the personal experience with botox. I don't think it adds anything that your other examples don't already add.

So, I read your encounter with Michelle as pure chance? Is that right? I think it would be better if you made it explicit. And if that's not right, correct that assumption.

I also don't think the trade firm adds a whole lot, as is, and you could feasibly cut that paragraph and zero in on (what I am assuming) is your volunteer experience helping non-Korean speakers navigate their medical disputes.

If I recall correctly from your previous essay, you immigrated with your mother while your father remained in Korea; I think that is an important point to convey here because it emphasizes the divide that you experienced culturally. Its not clear in this version that your father remained in Korea.

Also, contractions. Eliminate them.




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