PS Critique Request

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
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PS Critique Request

Postby Anonymous User » Tue Jan 15, 2013 6:54 pm

“Hi, Mr. S!”

I knew that voice well. It was ten year-old JJJJ, the oldest of five kids, rolling out of the fire-red Dodge Sprinter conversion van in his power wheelchair. Little brothers, XXXX and XXXX, ran out behind him, and mom, XXXX, expertly set up the double-stroller for twins, XXX and XXXX. JJJJ’s family is one of many I work to support as a fundraising coordinator with the COMPANY. When I first started at COMPANY, I never expected to become an adopted member of so many new families, but it was a welcome perk. Today, JJJJ’s family was here to help thank WWW, a locally-owned gas station and convenience store chain, for an exceptionally successful fundraising year.

With just thirteen stores, WWW was one of my smaller accounts. Their company had raised only $800 in early 2010, a miserable number, and I was handed the account in 2011 with clear instructions: fix it. I looked into successful campaigns conducted by similar convenience stores across the country, and I created a plan that would tie store managers closer to the cause by assigning a specific local COMPANY Summer Camper to each store. Then, at the monthly store managers’ meeting, I brought along a local COMPANY family to tell their story and personally challenge each manager to raise enough money to send their assigned child to camp. During the campaign, I ran the numbers meticulously, discovered which stores were underperforming, and asked their assigned families to visit. As logistically difficult as it may have been, our families were more than happy to participate, due in part to my strong personal relationships with them. The plan paid off, and by 2012, WWW was raising well over $10,000. The owners were so eager to continue their success that they agreed to sponsor an annual vendor golf tournament in 2013, which would easily net an additional $30,000 per year, turning WWW from a trouble spot to an account that would single-handedly fund our entire COMPANY Summer Camp.

WWW is a typical example of my life at COMPANY. Everyday, I work directly with executives of local and national corporations to plan and execute fundraising campaigns. I juggle half a dozen different accounts at any given time, retaining full responsibility for budget planning, deadlines, and hiring needs. My individual accounts are judged on hard-dollar goals, but teamwork is sacrosanct for the success of large accounts. In my time at COMPANY, I have personally doubled net revenue for golf tournaments sponsored by SPONSOR and SPONSOR, led record-breaking point-of-sale fundraisers at SPONSOR and SPONSOR, and worked with our team to produce a highly successful black-tie gala honoring the SPONSOR, all while cultivating a network of influential relationships for new business opportunities. I have thrived in this environment by taking a rigorous, analytical, and lawyerly approach to fundraising and sales, paying close attention to details, tracking every dollar of every campaign, recognizing patterns of success, and replicating that success across accounts.

It is no accident that I view my job through what I consider a lawyerly lens. Indeed, I joined the workforce intent on better preparing myself for law school. Little did I know that COMPANY would offer much more than preparation; it has steeled my decision to pursue a legal career in ways I could not have predicted. At COMPANY, I have grown to know and love families that face some of the toughest hands life can deal. Challenged by adversity, families like JJJ’s fight everyday to make the most of their lives, empowered by resolve, faith, and hope, often yielding extraordinary results. While I love my job, I want to fight harder for disadvantaged families like JJJ’s, no matter what particular obstacles they face, whether that be health care, public policy, immigration, social justice, housing, or anything else. They inspire me to fight to improve the lives of others in the most effective way I can. I have believed since college that a successful legal career would ultimately be that way, and today, a bit hardened and wholly strengthened, I am eager to put my heart and soul into that pursuit.

Anonymous User
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: PS Critique Request

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:29 am

Anything?

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bluepenguin
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: PS Critique Request

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:45 am

*I just scanned this*

-Do you actually talk about J's story at all? You cut back to it at the end but I don't see any meat on this other than that it's some random person you helped
-Just looks like a lot of resume rehashing
-Not a lot of "personal" coming through
-Transition to law is weak and unnecessary

It's not appalling but I dont like it at all. Says very little about you.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273497
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: PS Critique Request

Postby Anonymous User » Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:30 pm

bluepenguin wrote:*I just scanned this*

-Do you actually talk about J's story at all? You cut back to it at the end but I don't see any meat on this other than that it's some random person you helped
-Just looks like a lot of resume rehashing
-Not a lot of "personal" coming through
-Transition to law is weak and unnecessary

It's not appalling but I dont like it at all. Says very little about you.


Thanks for the feedback!

- I didn't want to get into too many details about J's story due to privacy issues. Perhaps I should have spelled that out.

- I thought it best to give some specific details about my work experience. I'm a splitter who switched majors in the middle of UG at a top school and immediately turned my GPA around.

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bluepenguin
Posts: 285
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:33 pm

Re: PS Critique Request

Postby bluepenguin » Thu Jan 17, 2013 2:01 pm

Well they don't need to be identifying specifics. But you're saying the kid is somehow significant without really explaining why (at least in a way that isn't trite).

That's stuff that's easily inferred from your resume and transcripts. If you really want more detail, get an employer LOR. That info you have is kind of boring and old hat, and it doesn't reveal anything particularly interesting about you or add anything significant to your file, IMO.




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