Submitting today would appreciate some critiques

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Anonymous User
Posts: 273478
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Submitting today would appreciate some critiques

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Jan 11, 2013 10:37 am

I posted my ps on here the other day but it wasn't very good and was extremely boring. I wrote a new statement that I feel is better depiction of who I am. I was just needing some insight on things I could possibly do better. Would like to submit today. Thanks for all the help.


On a quiet, cold January afternoon, I drive my police car around the city. It’s Sunday, nothing ever happens on a Sunday. As I drive in circles, neighborhood to neighborhood, I count down the minutes until it is time to go home.

“Police Units for a person that has fallen through the ice on Liberty Shores Lake,” the police dispatcher yells over the radio. Less than a mile from the location, I’m called into action. Knowing there isn’t any time to waste; I turn on my lights and sirens and speed toward the lake. Driving down the road, a million thoughts run through my mind. How am I going to get to the child without walking on the ice? What needs to be done if I get the child out of the water?
Finally getting there, another officer and I assess the scene. I see a small hole in the middle of the lake where the child fell through. “How are we going to get there,” I think to myself. A silver canoe catches my eye. I grab the canoe, drag it to the edge of the lake and we jump in.

The surface of Liberty Shores Lake suddenly seems turbulent as our canoe slides helplessly on the ice. Clumps of frozen snow fall off my boats, reminding me of my last moments secure on land. Just minutes ago, I was driving my police car aimlessly up and down the city streets. Now the canoe slides side to side beneath me in response to the icy lake and our own abrupt movements.

I dig my paddle into the thick ice, trying to break it up as I go. It’s hard, thick and unforgiving on my frozen hands. We continue aiming our canoe at the hole and desperately try to get there. The paddle wrenches and jerks as I continue to slam it into the ice. Foot by foot, stroke by stroke, we get to the hole. Expecting to see the child, I lean over the side of the canoe. I see nothing, just a cold black hole.

I start hitting the ice with my paddle to make the hole bigger. What seems like a long, tiring process, I get frustrated with my progress. I strike the ice with a newfound precision, cutting into the surface and heaving each chunk of ice behind me. I focus on displacing the ice around the hole, making each strike more deliberate than the last. I see a red object deep in the water, as it gets closer to the surface it is apparent the red object is a jacket. We plunge our hands into the water, grabbing the jacket. Trying to pull the person out of the water, the canoe slides back and forth on the ice, nearly tipping over. We pull one more time, this time successfully pulling them from the hole and into the canoe.

The hardest part over, we head back to shore. Following the path we already carved, we arrive back on shore in a fraction of the time. As we hand the person off to the medics, I fall to my knees in exhaustion. No longer at war with the ice, I close my eyes and just breathe.

Moving forward, I see new challenges as opportunities for innovation and approach them with diligence and energy. My career as a police officer—a dynamic, unpredictable and, at times, frustrating environment—continues, after seven years, to provide me with a renewed sense of achievement.

At the _________ Police Department, I have developed a fascination for law. I am recognized there as a leader capable of creating order from chaos. I have been managing people and helping citizens since age 14, when I started volunteering. In my legal career, I will employ the organizational, communication and management skills I honed in professional and volunteer positions.

Anonymous User
Posts: 273478
Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am

Re: Submitting today would appreciate some critiques

Postby Anonymous User » Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:24 am

Anybody? Would like to submit within an hour if there isn't anything terribly wrong with. Thanks again

smith23
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2011 8:18 am

Re: Submitting today would appreciate some critiques

Postby smith23 » Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:24 pm

I thought it was a good statement, maybe add why you want to go to law school. Not trying to be rude but did the person make it, just curious. Overall very good job.

User avatar
CorkBoard
Posts: 3216
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:05 pm

Re: Submitting today would appreciate some critiques

Postby CorkBoard » Fri Jan 11, 2013 11:50 pm

Maybe change your tenses so that they are all past tense. But, that is a purely personal preference.

Edits below.

Anonymous User wrote:

On a quiet, cold January afternoon, I drive my police car around the city. It’s Sunday,. Nothing ever happens on a Sunday. As I drive in circles, neighborhood to neighborhood, I count down the minutes until it is time to go home.

“Police Units for a person that has fallen through the ice on Liberty Shores Lake,” the police dispatcher yells over the radio. Less than a mile from the location, I’m called into action. Knowing there isn’t any time to waste, I turn on my lights and sirens and speed toward the lake. Driving down the road, a million thoughts run through my mind. How am I going to get to the child without walking on the ice? What needs to be done if I get the child out of the water?
Finally getting there, another officer and I assess the scene. I see a small hole in the middle of the lake where the child fell through. “How are we going to get there,” I think to myself. A silver canoe catches my eye. I grab the canoe, drag it to the edge of the lake and we jump in.

The surface of Liberty Shores Lake suddenly seems turbulent as our canoe slides helplessly on the ice. Clumps of frozen snow fall off my boats, reminding me of my last moments secure on land. Just minutes ago, I was driving my police car aimlessly up and down the city streets. Now the canoe slides side to side beneath me in response to the icy lake and our own abrupt movements.

I dig my paddle into the thick ice, trying to break it up as I go. It’s hard, thick and unforgiving on my frozen hands. We continue aiming our canoe at the hole and desperately try to get there. The paddle wrenches and jerks as I continue to slam it into the ice. Foot by foot, stroke by stroke, we get to the hole. Expecting to see the child, I lean over the side of the canoe. I see nothing, just a cold black hole.

I start hitting the ice with my paddle to make the hole bigger. What seems like a long, tiring process, I get frustrated with my progress. I strike the ice with a newfound precision, cutting into the surface and heaving each chunk of ice behind me. I focus on displacing the ice around the hole, making each strike more deliberate than the last. I see a red object deep in the water, as it gets closer to the surface it is apparent the red object is a jacket. We plunge our hands into the water, grabbing the jacket. Trying to pull the person out of the water, the canoe slides back and forth on the ice, nearly tipping over. We pull one more time, this time successfully pulling them from the hole and into the canoe.

The hardest part over, we head back to shore. Following the path we already carved, we arrive back on shore in a fraction of the time. As we hand the person off to the medics, I fall to my knees in exhaustion. No longer at war with the ice, I close my eyes and just breathe.

Moving forward, I see new challenges as opportunities for innovation and approach them with diligence and energy. My career as a police officer—a dynamic, unpredictable and, at times, frustrating environment—continues, after seven years, to provide me with a renewed sense of achievement.

Good so far, but it seems a little empty. Got anything else to tie in with this story?

At the _________ Police Department, I have developed a fascination for law. I am have recognized therethat I can be a leader,as a leader capable of creating order from chaos. I have been managing people and helping citizens since age 14, when I started volunteering. In my legal career, I will employ the organizational, communication and management skills I honed in professional and volunteer positions.

Sorta drops off here, too. Needs a stronger ending. I think the story is fine, but it seems a little short and I'd like to hear more of your thoughts.




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